Friday, December 31, 2010

Perspective used to be but a fleeting moment for me. One of those random realizations that passes through, where you are suddenly struck by the notion that this is indeed not, a dress rehearsal. I have access to that understanding on a more constant basis now. Perhaps because I seek it out myself.

On my birthday on Tuesday, I went to see Hubble, the IMAX-show at the Museum of Natural History.
Somehow, all that I saw on that big screen of our universe and of our planet, has stayed with me this time. Yes, I get obsessed by minutiae, but at least I have images in my head of what's out there... Flashback-like, as I walk outside and look at the sky... These thoughts and images used to freak the shit out of me, but right now I'm finding them increasingly calming. Through them, I am reminded that I am absolutely responsible for my own life. A thought that has always filled me with dread, now feels empowering.

Seeing our beautiful planet from afar also struck me in another way... (The crazy snow storm we had in New York on Sunday may have strengthened the effect.) It's becoming more and more obvious, how very limited capacity we as people have to cope with a changing climate. !!! Shit needs to start changing. Very fucking quickly. The planet will be ok in the long run. We won't.

We are of no consequence to the universe. But I like to think we are meaningful, and that we have the potential for greatness. I for one am looking forward to making the individual changes needed to preserve the environment. It's all a matter of breaking habits, which is certainly challenging...but totally doable. And possibly exciting at the same time..? Yes!

The following is a passage I saw whilst at the Natural History Museum. I find it appropriate with my thoughts/rant this week. With it, I wish you a wonderful year 2011!

“Treat the Earth well. It was not given to you by your parents. It was loaned to you by your children” Kenyan Proverb

Friday, December 24, 2010

I write this, as I listen to Paul McCartney's Ram On... (And Dear Boy, following!) Oh my God. So beautiful!!! And unfortunately, so short.... *presses repeat*

For everything that I'm thinking or feeling right now, there is a conflicting, opposite emotion happening at the same time. All this year I've come to realize that everything is gray area. "Both are true" is one of the more profound wisdoms I've come to understand through my experiences. Even if I wished everything to be black and white... It makes for a lot of confusion. Argh.

All is slowing down this time of year, including my brain. Being that it's impossible to make sense of anything right now, I declare this "steeping time." I will wait. I will be patient. And in time, the bigger picture will present itself. I don't have to figure out anything today. Just eat. And enjoy the moment with my friends. Confusion and enjoyment can coexist. Both are true. :)

Merry Xmas!!!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I feel very peaceful right now.
This is a new experience for me, as it is not how I used to feel coming back from Finland, my home country.

This time, I was only there for a few days, and I hardly told anyone about my trip. I spent all my time with my family, with whom I am realigning my relationships. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has a tendency of turning twelve, any time they're around their family..? (Funnily enough, a similar thing occurs at school reunions....) The dynamic is so old, and so stagnant, and very restricting... Unless one changes drastically, as I have during this year.

My change seems to affect every relationship I've had, especially the close ones. A person's change requires adjustment from everyone around them... Sometimes I get disappointed, as it is obvious that I am not as enticing to some, as I used to be...
And thus I end up losing friends. But at the same time, I'm attracting and getting to know a wholly new type of person. One that wasn't a part of my previous experience at all.

But in the case of my family--I am not about to lose any of them. On the contrary, I am hoping to build a healthier, stronger relationship with all of them. One where I don't feel the need to revert to a childlike state, in order to fit in. Even in the case of family, there is no need to fit in. One can remain a mature Individual even in that surrounding. (Yes! It is possible!!!) And possibly in the process, end up inspiring positive change in others and a new natural flow of things.

This is what I learned this week. And honestly, it is one of the biggest lessons I've learned this whole year. Though in the end I know that this peace I feel, is hard-earned. All the pieces of the puzzle so far, were required, for me to now see what I see.

Friday, December 10, 2010

People can do many vicious things unconsciously. The motivation behind these acts are horrific sometimes... It makes one wonder--how can the doer not be aware of them? How do they continue running away from/denying their dark side, when they are causing so much pain around them? How do they not see this? How do they not see the consequences of their actions?

This week I have been trying my hand at forgiveness. Not for their sake, but for mine. I don't want to be carrying this shit around, as it does me no good. And actually, it hurts me. So, I googled how to forgive. Apparently you can google anything. hehe.
I have to say that I feel a lot better, if I concentrate on my life in the here and now, and going forward, as opposed to spending all my energy on hate.

This is the essence of what I learned: "The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."Guess which category I'm going to place myself in.

Friday, December 3, 2010

I dreamed last night that I was having a drink at a bar, whilst telling someone that I haven't been drinking for 10 months. To which I added, "but you know, I'll have a drink every now and then, with friends." The first part is actually true.

I was pretty traumatized by this dream, because it reminded me of a certain peer pressure I used to feel. How I'd do most things in my life, just to please others. I was horrified that I'd succumbed to it, once again. My biggest fear in life, at this point, is that somehow I end up losing myself again. After all this hard work that I've done to put myself together, to become independent and strong...that I was to lose it all? I will not allow that to happen! (Even though unfortunately it frequently happens in my dreams. The wound is very deep.)

It's like Frodo, in the Lord of The Rings...having been stabbed by the Nazgul. (hehe...I watched a marathon this week...) That shit never goes away. Those wounds are a part of you, and they color your view on life, people, the world. That, I suppose, is part of what makes us unique: we all have different wounds. Perhaps they are to serve as good reminders not to make the same mistake three times.

Friday, November 26, 2010

I think that most of us are brought up to believe that it is important to please others, to be agreeable. Many of us have the illusion that it is more important to make friends with others, than it is to make friends with ourselves. Well, I certainly bought into that brainwash for most of my life, and gradually forgot who I was.

For many years, I thought I was a party-girl. Now, having gotten to know myself better, I realize that in truth I am a bit of a loner. I am very selective these days when it comes to friends. I must be able to be sober and still have a good time with the people that I'm with. Rarer than one would think, that.

Parties like Thanksgiving remind me that life is too short to be spent around people I don't really care about. Why waste time? Why not concentrate on the people who I love, people who support me, people who inspire me, and people who think of me as an equal? I don't want to spend my time biting my tongue, holding back punches, enduring the company of others. The kung fu in this situation is avoidance. Why put myself into situations that I don't enjoy?

I care less and less about what others think about me, and thus am becoming more and more true to myself. There are some in this world who will find me more appealing because of this, and many others, who will have the opposite response. Needless to say, I will be concentrating on spending my time with those who get me. And those who don't? Fuck em.

Friday, November 19, 2010

There is very little I have power over; very few things I can control. (arghhh!!!)
This is becoming increasingly clear to me. While it is initially a disappointing realization, perhaps I will learn to, from now on, concentrate on those very few things that I in fact can...control/change/affect. Makes more sense, doesn't it?

Though I am not a conventional believer, there is much wisdom in this prayer.
My favorite line in it: " it is, not as I would have it."

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Friday, November 12, 2010

I have never experienced fall with this poignancy before. I have in the past considered myself a "fall-person", and have always looked forward to it, but this year I was actually sad to see summer go... In the recent weeks, I have, more than once, found myself haunted by ghosts of my past on the streets of New York.. And partly due to season, I have also become painfully aware of the fleeting nature of things. Of life itself.

And yet, this is as important a part of the life cycle as any other. Shit needs to die before it can rejuvenate again. (I prefer not to get too poetic about this...) Change is constant, change is inevitable. I can't believe how many years I tried to fight against a natural change that should have been happening in me all along. We can do that, sure! We can resist change, thinking that doing so will benefit the people close to us. Truth is, it doesn't. Preventing your own change and growth, or somebody else's, is really fucking unhealthy, and will bite you in the ass sooner or later.

I end with a more eloquently written quote I received from my friend today:
"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." -William Somerset Maugham, writer (1874-1965)

Friday, November 5, 2010

Healing (mentally, physically, spiritually) is a strange and peculiar business... It never seems to be a straight road. It's not a process where you go up and up and up, towards more success every day. Instead it's two steps forward and one step back. (And usually, that one step back feels more like 4 steps back...)

Healing is hard work. And unfortunately no one else can do it for us--it is our own responsibility. One has to really make an effort to be patient with oneself in the process, cause it's so frickin' challenging (and frustrating!). Sometimes the things we are handed seem like just a little too much to handle. But there's beauty in the struggle; a beauty that can be seen very clearly after making it through the worst bit. It is when we are pushed to our limits, that we end up growing the most.
And we get by with a little help from our friends.... :)

Friday, October 29, 2010

The inevitable side-product of plugging myself in and finally understanding myself, is that I'm also plugging myself into my surroundings. Now, without a thick layer of anxiety shielding me from the world, and from reality, I am able to grasp the truth of what's going on within myself, in social situations, in society, culturally, environmentally....

It is interesting how much knowledge we as people can gather, without actually absorbing it... Knowing how wasteful we are and how it's impacting the environment, and yet not making any changes within our own lives. This is because in addition to ignoring our surroundings, we have grown to ignore what's going on in our bodies as well. If we are not able to listen to and understand ourselves, how are we to see the world for what it truly is?

We are so busy conforming to the rules of society, fitting the mold, keeping with the fashion, saying the right things, doing the right things, making money, meeting the right people, making the right connections, getting ahead, showing off... Imagine how much anxiety all of this creates! How the fuck would we have any time to consider what's actually going on in the world?

I want to share two links I found rummaging around the Radiohead-website (again!):

Quite thought-provoking. I have a strong urge to start doing something. A couple of weeks ago, I was scared to death in my home on the top floor, as hail the size of gum-balls drummed deafeningly on the roof of the building I live in. I had no idea what was going on, and I was already traumatized by the tornado that had swept through Brooklyn a couple of weeks before...Global warming, anyone? Extreme weather..?

I know that I need to fix myself first, before I start attempting to do anything about anything. It's like they say on the airplanes: put your own mask on first. But once my mask is securely on, I'll do what I can.

Friday, October 22, 2010

I am a recovering agoraphobic. This means that I've been scared/anxious of wide open spaces. Imagine how much you have to work on sedating yourself in order to ignore the fact that we are surrounded by this vast open space: the universe, at all times. Talk about running away!

But, like I said--I am recovering. Here is part of my daily dose of reality: the Astronomy Picture of the Day.

Breathtaking, isn't it?

I have always been fascinated by space, despite my fear. How could one not be? Now, I've recently begun my astronomy studies from the original series of Star Trek  ( Man, that show is genius! Ok, so possibly not the most trustworthy and current source for information on the universe. Especially being that it was made in the sixties.... But I'm taking babysteps, yo!

Seriously though, astronomy will be a lifetime project for me. I have an appetite for knowledge about it now, and I'll learn a little bit every day. The space gives me perspective to give myself time. To not be impatient, and try to be more than I am at any moment. There is a process to everything. Learning should/could really be a peaceful process and there is no strain or exertion needed. Knowledge and skill (and healing too) come with patience and an open and relaxed mind.

Here, I'd like to quote Rainer Maria Rilke. The following speaks of an artist, but it could apply to any human being:

"There is here no measuring with time, no year matters, and ten years are nothing. Being an artist means, not reckoning and counting, but ripening like a tree which does not force its sap and stands confident in the storms of spring without the fear that after them may come no summer. It does come. But it comes to the patient, who are there as though eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly still and wide. I learn it daily, learn it with pain to which I am grateful: patience is everything!"

Friday, October 15, 2010

I am marveling at the fact that right now, I'm really grabbing hold of music, like I haven't done since childhood. It is because of all this life, pouring back into my veins! I can hardly recognize myself for who I used to think I was. Instead of thriving, I was surviving. It's about time to turn this around.

Now, Neil Young is teaching me guitar, Nirvana is teaching me bass, Patty Griffin is teaching me singing, and Radiohead is teaching me new chords on my piano. This is how I originally learned singing: on my own. It makes sense that in studying every other instrument, I would use the same tactic.

There are no rules to anything in this world, though the powers that be would like to have us think otherwise. Whatever works for you is right. Schools will teach you a generic skill, and be very self-righteous and pompous about their methods... But they will not teach you your own way of doing things. And that, if anything, is valuable.
Like Bruce Lee (my hero) says: “using no way as a way, using no limitations as a limitation.”
My translation: do your own fucking thing. Follow your own fucking vision, put no limits on yourself.
I hope nobody ever quotes me. There'll be so many swear-words....

Friday, October 8, 2010

When it rains, it snows. Life is so unexpected.
In my life right now, there is rarely a dull day. Challenging events happen on a daily/weekly basis, and I've had to deal with more serious things this year than ever before. And yet, weirdly enough, I'm in a better place emotionally than ever before. I would even go so far as to say that this is the best year of my life. And this is because I'm working hard, every day, to concentrate on the positive. To do what I can, to pick myself up, to understand and be compassionate towards myself, to be kind to myself. I did not have these skills before.

It would be so easy for me right now to despair, to stay in bed and just stare at the wall. Unfortunately, I've been there before, and I know many walls very well. (not just one, Thank God....;)) But I choose not to do it anymore. I'm gonna keep my eye on my goals and keep working towards them. It is a beautiful day, and in truth, we all have this moment only. It is our privilege to enjoy it, for whatever it is. To exist in the first place, is so completely random, and quite a miracle.
I accept these things that I cannot control.

(Alright! Made it through this week's blog without swearing! Goddammit.)

Friday, October 1, 2010

I continue on my rant from last week.
I write this, just in case it blows the mind of even one of you reading this, like it has blown mine.
Last week I said: depression is anger turned against yourself.
Here's my revelation of this week:  Anxiety is unexpressed anger. (!!!!)

Think about it, fellow anxious people/person! You are merely really fucking angry. Anxiety results from the attempt to try and control that anger.  And if you don't know why you are angry, find out why! Here I quote Peter Gabriel:
"I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt"

I am filled with black venom, which is starting to come out in my every punch and kick. It comes out in every dark thought that I write on paper, every aggressive note I sing. I am absolutely furious, and less anxious all the time. I Love being angry! It's liberating me, freeing me to finally be who I am.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Anger turned towards oneself becomes depression.
Why would you ever need to be angry at yourself? You did your best, didn't you, with the knowledge that you had? We all do. There's no need for hindsight, or what ifs. You learn your lesson and you do better next time.

I will not allow anybody to make me feel guilty anymore!
I will not allow anybody to tell me what I should have done!
I will not allow anybody to make me feel bad!
I will not allow anybody to make me feel stupid or incompetent!
I will not allow anybody to patronize me!

In the words of Rage Against The Machine: Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!
And in my own words: Fuck you I won't think what you tell me!

Hmm. I think I'm finally reaching puberty. ;) And should probably be writing a song right now....

Friday, September 17, 2010

There's always been some guilt associated with what I do, because I enjoy it so much. I've always felt like I'm slacking off--not actually working, when I'm doing things associated with my craft. I mean, singing, playing guitar, playing piano, reading and searching for new music on the internet doesn't really sound like work, does it? Perhaps until this week, I hadn't really understood that I am in fact working when I'm doing these things. I'd been trying to force myself into doing something more useful...which is actually quite insane. For an artist--what is more useful than getting inspired and being creative?

I think this has been part of the brainwash that I've been given ever since I was young. Work has always been something that's supposed to be really tasking and arduous. Work was supposed to make you fall apart eventually. I guess that's the model I must have seen in my youth....
Also, we often connect with each other by complaining about our asshole-bosses and the long hours of work. But the truth is, there is probably something absolutely inspiring and fulfilling for each of us to do in this world. For some weird reason we don't feel free to seek it out and start doing it. We let our environments, and the people around us decide for us. And even I, who have had the blessing of being an artist for so long, haven't been able to enjoy my work fully, because of this innate guilt. It's madness, isn't it? Some days ago, I became aware of it, and now I am trying to let it go, little by little.

I spent all of Monday night hunting down songs that were on Thom Yorke's "office chart" on the Radiohead website. (Can you tell I'm a fan?) I now have a pile of music that I've never explored before: much of it electronica, some dance and some alternative music with really fucking cool beats. I can't tell you how liberating it feels to realize that yes, this is fun. And it's also work.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I was feeling so many things at the same time last night that they all canceled each other out. I felt absolutely numb. For that reason, I decided to wait until the morning to write. Vision and numbness/scatterbrained-ness can't really exist at the same time.

Within the last week or so, I've put a lot of energy into figuring out what my dreams are in life, so as to be better at working towards them. I wrote them in a journal: went into real specifics and made some goals and timelines for myself. Some of them even felt a little audacious.
If this sounds like some sort of self-help shit to you, well, you would be right. But I do think that it's really important to know what you want in life and what you dream of. Otherwise, it's very easy for people and circumstances to steer you off your path. Also, how else are you gonna have vision for who you are, and who you wanna be?

I read a beautiful quote from Alice Walker some days ago. It was in Finnish, so pardon my translation--I will most likely butcher it. You will get the gist of it though: "Look closely at the present moment you are building. It should resemble the future you dream of."
That's some perspective, eh?

Since boldly envisioning a very fucking bright future for myself, some magical things have already started to happen. There have been work opportunities coming in this week, the likes of which I haven't experienced in my life so far.
By believing in yourself, you become a part of the logos, the Providence, the flow of the Universe. If you put yourself down, you're going against nature.

Friday, September 3, 2010

OK, I'm gonna come out of the closet and say it: I do kung fu.
Apparently, you're not supposed to talk about it, because if someone gets mysteriously killed in a bar-fight, then it would be easy to blame you. But first of all, I haven't been doing it long enough to be able to kill anyone. Second of all, if anyone gets killed by me, then they must have seriously had it coming. Thirdly, I spend very little time in bars these days. (what?)

The reason why I'm sharing this with you, is because in my blog I like to talk about things that matter to me. And man, this does. Kung fu has impacted my life in such a positive way! Nevermind the new muscles, I feel like it is teaching me a lot about myself and people in general. I'm learning about good energies and bad energies; of trust; of using power for good, rather than for evil. All of that Star Wars-shit about the force and the dark side of it, is starting to make a lot of sense now. And I truly feel like I can read people's intentions better than before. I'm more aware of situations and can better protect myself, mostly on a purely psychological level. I don't exactly know what is affecting what, but I feel like kung fu goes beautifully hand in hand with all the other soul-searching that I've been doing. It helps keep me grounded.

Being a woman, it is extremely empowering to study some sort of self-defense. I could have used some kung fu-skills in the past, even if just for mind games that were being played at me. I feel like what I'm learning now is not just physical, it's emotional self-defense as well.
What I like about it most, is that it shows me week after week, a slow progress, that I may not be noticing in other areas of my life. The more you practice a certain skill, the easier it gets, even if the change is not always so obvious as you go. The trick is to keep at it....
Through this knowledge, I trust that everything else I'm working on, is slowly getting better, just like my kung fu skillz.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

I just got home from a shoot that lasted the whole day. I am frickin' wiped out! But I have made a commitment to myself to write my blog every Friday and I'm gonna frickin' honor that. A commitment seems to me a sacred thing now.

This week has been challenging for me. I have been unlocking reasons for an inner darkness that I've had all through my life. That darkness, although a source of a lot of beauty in my life, has been a heavy burden to carry.
What we live through seems so normal to us as we live it. So tame, so mundane even. And yet, when you start examining your past--start objectively seeing it for what it is--some things you once thought normal, are in fact shocking.

We are not born dark. We get that way for some reason. And that is actually a beautiful thing: it means that something can be done to remedy the situation! The further I get on my road, the less blame I'm able to cast on anyone. At least, that's how I feel today. ;) I find immense compassion, even towards the Darth Vaders of my life at certain moments. That is, when I'm not feeling righteous anger. And the reason why I feel compassion is this: We are not born dark. We get that way for a reason.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Being able to say no honestly and courteously is key in this world. If you can't say no, who is to trust you when you say yes? How are you gonna follow your own vision if you let others guide you? How do you not end up being abused and used by others until you learn how to say no? It is one of the most basic skills people should have, and yet they will not teach this to us in school. (?!?) Parents often don't teach it to their children, for fear it would make them harder to govern. (!) It's the simplest thing, and yet many of us go through our whole lives without learning it.

The culture as a whole prefers to have us be sheep, easily herded like cattle. The world around us will have us think that we are supposed to be nice, and to make nice with everyone. Not so. We are supposed to make nice with ourselves. And in that process, we end up making nice with others. Or not. Who cares? We are allowed to choose who we wanna be, and who we want to spend time with. Life is limited, spend it wisely.

I had many opportunities this week to say no. Some of them, I mastered. But in one particular case I fucked up and now have to salvage the situation. What I learned, is that it's better to draw the lines straight away, in order to not create confusion. Clear boundaries are a beautiful thing! And mistakes are opportunities for learning...

Friday, August 13, 2010

I finished reading another life-changing book yesterday: Ursula K. Le Guin's "A Wizard of Earthsea." Phew. Man. Even through the tales of wizardry, dragons and magic spells, I was able to relate to every line, every chapter, as if they told the story of my life. I am in awe of the gift this woman has for metaphor, for story-telling. And before you read my blog any further, I suggest you read the book. It's the easiest read ever.
Spoiler alert!

We carry within us all the experiences, thoughts and emotions we've ever had, especially those that were left unresolved. Things don't just take care of themselves and fade away at some point. Until we resolve those issues, we continue dragging around older versions of ourselves. Janita 1.0, Janita 2.0, Janita 3.0.... Trust me, some of it wasn't pretty, and I was hoping to leave them behind. Turns out I can't. They're all in me.

In order for me to become a true individual (definition: autonomous, distinct, indivisible entity), I will have to accept, understand and own all of these versions of me. That, I suppose, is to become a complete human being. To get there requires that I open some more cans of worms, but now I'm getting quite eager to do it. And here I get back to the brilliant mind of Ms. Le Guin: how surprising the places where we find pieces to unlock our puzzles!

Friday, August 6, 2010

I bought a new guitar today!!! This is the first guitar I've ever bought for myself and I'm having a love affair with it already! (my fingertips ain't....)

But consequently, I got to thinking this: inanimate objects hold a lot of energy. (Or alternately, we react to them energetically.) Until today I haven't been cognizant of the fact that I have in fact been avoiding playing my other two guitars because they carry many painful memories with them.(!!!) The enthusiasm that I have for this untainted instrument is proof of it--I don't believe it's just the newness. Playing this guitar, I have a feeling of freedom and starting from a clean slate.... What excitement!

Back in 1998 I met up with a famous video director, as we were planning to work together at the time. Towards the end of the meeting at her place, she offered me an absolutely beautiful lamp with colorful mosaic-type glass decoration. She told me that she wanted to get rid of it, as she had recently been divorced and felt it carried bad energies. I considered her silly for letting go of such a special piece, but thanked her and took it nevertheless.

Today, for the first time, I truly understand her. I have unconsciously been disliking various pieces of my furniture.... Whoa!
And yet, instead of tossing them, my preference is to now make peace with these inanimate objects that I abhor. Perhaps my newfound awareness will help me exorcise these bad energies I speak of. I will create a new relationship with these things, much as I have done with the city I live in. It's about consciously claiming them. And fyi, whatever I can't learn to love again will be found on the street next Tuesday. (...not the guitars though! ;))

Friday, July 30, 2010

I spent Wednesday night sleeping/staying awake outside on 86th street, lining up for tickets for Shakespeare in The Park. This was one of the craziest New York-experiences of my life, if not the craziest. It was a glimpse into what it means to be homeless, and yet it had nothing to do with it at all, at the same time.

How daunting it seemed at first, to spend a night next to people I had no previous connection to; many of them actually homeless. I felt a distinct sense of agoraphobia upon arrival. But that soon passed, as I realized how (relatively) peaceful the people of New York are. This is a city that's gone through it all, and the people have survived some serious madness. There is a real tolerance for diversity, an understanding of other people's space (as long as you respect theirs), a general respect towards others, that I'm always shocked to encounter in a city like this. One can even feel safe sleeping in the street!

After waiting for 13 hours, I ended up seeing a marvelous performance of Merchant of Venice last night, starring Al Pacino as Shylock. The play was absolutely worth the wait; not just for the amazing Mr. Pacino, but for everyone else in the cast as well. Making a commitment like the one I made, tests you, but usually pays off royally in the end. The good stuff is truly worth waiting for! (Apply that to whatever is appropriate in your life right now...)

And oh right, and my album came out this week too! ;)

Friday, July 23, 2010

Next Tuesday is the day of my first worldwide release. And it's made me reflect on some things...

I have been in the music business since I was 13 years old, when I recorded my first album... In all actuality even longer than that. It is a little known fact, that when I was 11 or 12 I did some marketing for an American line of dolls in Finland, of which one was called "Singing Janita", after me. (weird!!) Thank God the dolls were so hideously ugly that not much ever came out of it. ;) I also sang some recordings for Disney around the same time.

In any case, I've recently started realizing what a weird existence mine has been. I honestly don't think that it is good for kids to have to be in the spotlight so early on in life. We have some very good examples here in the States about what often happens to child stars.... Kids are supposed to have their childhood, and teenagers their teen-age-hood. I know this from experience, because I didn't.

It is more of a rarity, when people come out of those situations (being stars very young) unscathed. I tell you, it fucks with your brain. Those years are so important for the formation of your personality, your ideas, your world-view, your relationship to everyone and everything around you. If you're already in the limelight then, the pressure is huge, to keep up appearances. You end up absorbing too much and discriminating too little. (How would you discriminate? With what experience?) Your personality is thus formed by the powers that be, and you become a puppet of sorts. This is what your child-star idols are: puppets.

And so, I can understand very well, the problems that arise from that scenario. I'm still dealing with them myself. It has taken me about 16 years to separate what--amongst all of the racket inside of me--is actually me, and what has been imposed on me.

Which brings me back to the album I'm about to release. This album is about me finding myself, finally. I have always put as much of myself as I possibly could have, into my recordings. But the reason for the existence of this album, is solely me. I can't truthfully say that for any of the other albums I've made. Which is why I am so proud of this one. I am finally independent and strong within myself, even if still a bit Haunted by my past.

Friday, July 16, 2010

This week, I wanted simply to share this poem with you:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle
that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us.

One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, sorrow, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, superiority and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,
humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and

The grandson thought about it for a moment and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied,
"The one you feed."

I have nothing to add.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Truth is liberating. Even if truth is your worst fears come true.
I find it frustrating these days, when people try to soften or fudge the truth to make it more palatable. Well-meaning or not, it just ends up making you feel like you're missing something, or better yet, that you are crazy. Rather just give it to me straight and I'll deal with it!

To quote Rage Against The Machine: "Yes, I dwell in hell, but it's a hell that I can grip.." To me that's way better than "escaping the pain in an existence mundane." Who wants to live a mundane existence? I don't know about you, but my aim is to really live (and love), consciously. Plugged in, from now on. The more I understand, the more I face the truth, the stronger I become. There is nothing to run away from--everything catches up with you at some point, so you might as well just get it over with. And I say all of this in the most loving way. Reality is not the enemy.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

It is my goal to write my blog every Friday. Ok, so it's technically not Friday anymore... But honestly, you would thank me for not having written this earlier in the day: I could hardly see anything good about my life this morning.

I'm noticing this about myself: I would much rather spread some positive energies in the world, than whine about things. So I made the decision to try to make it through the day and see what I wanted to say in the evening. And truth be told, I ended up having a good day after all! I met some fun new people, and got to know some old acquaintances a little better. I sat at a restaurant's outdoor patio for 7 hours straight chatting and hanging out. My ass is sore!!!

But coming back to trying to spread positive energies--it applies for my whole existence in this world. It is not my wish to dump my shit on others. The music that I write these days can get dark, but it's not written out of a place of hopelessness. To write is already a step toward the light!

Songwriting for me is catharsis. Therefore I hope and believe it can serve a similar purpose for my listeners. Even if a song is heavy in content or sad melodically, it can still be a very positive, empowering experience...provided you are listening to it at the right moment. We as listeners should be sensitive enough to recognize what feels good to our soul at any given time. It is our responsibility to ourselves.

Friday, June 25, 2010

I am rediscovering New York and falling in love with it over again. Now, come to think of it, I'm not sure whether I ever in fact was in love with it before. I moved here when I was 17, coerced. My first reaction to NY was that I didn't like it. It scared the hell out of me. But I was running away from my demons in Finland and decided to take the leap anyway... Not surprisingly, within a year, my demons followed me here.

Throughout the years, my fondness for New York grew. It has been a fun-loving friend with all of it's bars, restaurants, clubs and shopping. But that was pretty much all I was concentrating on for a long time. And that experience became exhausting to me within the last couple of years. Like humans, this city has layers. And those layers I had yet to discover.

I had to reinvent my relationship with the city. I had to claim it for myself; to understand why the heck I'm still here after all these years. And there is a reason--beyond the nightlife!
It is Prospect Park. It is Central Park. It is the Rose Center, MoMA, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, hotdogs, Brooklyn Bandshell, outdoor movies in Bryant Park, the subway, the cafes, the people! I'm experiencing it all now, and making sure that I keep doing that, to keep this love going. This is my personal experience, and it has very little to do with my love for any man that lives in this city. I love the city itself. And I'm loving myself for living in it so well.

Friday, June 18, 2010

This has been a week of empowerment for me, starting with killing a humongous flying (!!!) cockroach on Sunday night. It flew on my bed!!! You don't understand--these things have always given me the HEEBIE-JEEBIES. I say it in caps, because I really mean it. I have never killed one of these big guys myself before. But I'm proud of myself and happy to report that such creatures, will not have long life expectancy, if they ever set wandering tentacle in my house. In conquering my fears, this one was huge!

Other demons--similar monsters, I have fought and won inside of me this week. As a result, I am experiencing a calm I haven't felt for years. Everything is connected, I'm discovering... Us human beings, complex as we are, are really pretty simple after all. A lot of our irrational, debilitating fears arise from the same origin. Find the origin, and empower yourself.
And in case you're The origin is not the cockroach. :)

Friday, June 11, 2010

My album came from the print on Wednesday and it looks beautiful!!! Phew! Printing a record is risky business, as something usually goes wrong. My first album Oma Planeetta had some weird color defect and it showed all the powder on my face in the most intricate detail...The photo was supposed to look translucent, apparently. Not so.
My second album cover Savyja was just an incredibly horrible design. I shudder when I see it... (This time nothing to do with printing..) And I have plenty of other bad experiences as well.

Anyway, my point is...It is nice to be proud of a package in its entirety. God is in the fucking detail. Really, if you're gonna do something--do the whole thing well! Know that you are doing your best, and really express yourself! I am tired of dealing with people who don't have real passion for what they do. What a turn-on it is when they do!

And yes, as I'm preaching to you, I'm preaching to myself a little bit too. There are plenty of times, when for one reason or another I end up half-assing things. But I'm gonna try my darnedest to be aware of myself, and change that. Because, what's the use of doing things, if you're not putting yourself into it completely..? And while you're at it, don't even do things that your heart's not in! .....@#$%#, man. Still learning this one....

Friday, June 4, 2010

The 12-year-old inside of me has really been enjoying the activities that I've been engaging in this week: swinging on swings, eating way too much ice cream, laying face-down in the grass, hanging out with pug. I feel like through all of this, I have been regaining my sanity, which was lost long ago. Ha. You think I kid, but I'm being honest.

To top off all this healthiness, I spent today at the Rose Center for Earth and Space/Hayden Planetarium. My science geek-ish friend and I were remarking, teary-eyed, after seeing the Journey To The Stars-show: who needs all the burning bushes and the arks, the fire-breathing dragons and mermaids, when there's so much wonder in the universe around us!?
Even the 12-year-old inside of me agrees on this one.

Our reality. A reality we can grip and grasp, and still wonder about endlessly. Magical, awe-inspiring galaxies and nebulas and planets and stars, and God knows what else... Our existence within this world, so random and meaningless, and yet so full of meaning. Man. If all that doesn't give you perspective, I don't know what will.

Friday, May 28, 2010

I just came from a walk (attempted run) in Prospect Park. This was an outing designed to lift me up from a slump I've been in all week...alas, to no avail. Despite seeing turtle (!) and chipmunk.
Ok, now I'm smiling a little.

I decided it is not my duty to write a positive, uplifting blog, unless I'm really feeling it. Right now, I'm not. I am out of sorts and so be it.

Within my slump I am writing. A beautiful melody keeps playing in my head, about to turn into a song stained with, so far, at least one dirty word. Does an artist get a "parental advisory explicit lyrics"-sign for saying the word 'prick'? I hope so. It would be quite exciting.

Come to my gig next week, yo. I think I'll play a new song. That one's just a little dirty too. :)

Friday, May 21, 2010


Today I experienced true empathy for the first time! Crazy, right?
It makes me sound like a hard-ass bitch or a narcissist, doesn't it? That would not be the right assessment though. I am 31 years old and I've lived up until now thinking that empathy is putting oneself in the other person's shoes. I have to say--I think I've been wrong...

I have cried listening to people's stories, cried watching heart-breaking movies and TV-shows, but I've always been putting myself in everyone else's place and feeling for them through myself. Today, for the first time, I was able to see the person I was listening to, envision their life, their view of the world, their thoughts and experiences (as much as I can and know) and just be moved by their experience. Not my own. Trust me, it's a different thing. (Or perhaps you already know...)

I walked into the street right after, remembering all the stories that my friends and family have told me and just wanting to cry for all of them. For them! Not myself, in their shoes. How different all those stories looked and sounded to me, all of a sudden.
I can't believe that I haven't understood this before!

I like that I'm becoming a real softy....and yet at the same time, that I'm tougher than I've ever been. (I'm learning to throw punches and rip people's eyes out, in class!) I like that it all gets balanced as you keep going with the flow....
That you become...whole?

Friday, May 14, 2010

I am such a recluse these days! But it's a good thing. Alone time is the most healing thing in the world; provided you've rummaged through your closets, know what's there, and have made/are making peace with it. I feel like I'm finally doing it. Lately, I've been willing to look each demon, that I've encountered, straight in the eye. I have researched them on the internet (ha!) and am in the process of taking their power away. It's a whack-a-mole-fest! And I'm feeling righteous anger too, which is a most liberating thing, motherfuckerrrrsssss!!
Although I sing about running away from emotions, I have to say I strongly advocate not doing that. Believe you me, I speak from experience.

Life used to be so very confusing to me. A veil is lifting, day by day by day. A new world is being revealed. I am like Neo in The Matrix. Muscle atrophy and all, unfortunately... :)

Friday, May 7, 2010

I had my very first listening party this week, which is crazy, being that I've already released 7 albums in my life (!). This was a lovely, very intimate get together with friends; we listened through, commented, and discussed the music. A very healing experience for me.
Somehow, I've felt very alone with this album up till now. It's been a project, through which I've fought for my personal artistic liberation. A lot about this album has felt heavy to me, including the name Haunted. Now I see it differently. I see that it's very honest to where I have been in my life, and that I should be proud of it. And I am, finally.

I now see too, that everything else that I've done in music so far, has been honest to where I've been in my life. Even in the times where I've been guided by someone else's musical vision. In those times, I just haven't been confident enough or strong-willed enough to push my own. I can accept that now. The reasons why are losing their importance to me. It is good to be aware of the past, but not to carry it as a burden.

It's interesting how people go through life not recognizing their emotions. Someone can tell you: "You obviously have a lot of anger in you.." And you yourself will have no clue. Well, I'm starting to recognize what I'm feeling. Positive emotions aside, negative feelings don't apparently all go under the umbrella of depression/anxiety. Whoa! What a revelation! You can sort through the shit and understand yourself. There are colors and shades of emotion and they are all fascinating. All of it is part of the human existence and should be enjoyed for what it is. I am learning.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Man! Life is good! Just like it is.
I don't think I've ever felt as liberated in this world, as I do right now. I am becoming more and more aware of the many different types of brainwashing that I have undergone in my life and am working to undo the damage. My whole perspective on everything is changing due to a book (Awareness by Anthony DeMello) I read last week, and have reread since. I will rant and rave about it to anyone who will listen.

Due to my new revelations, I have started writing new songs. I was having a creative drought for a long time and started doubting whether I was actually any good at songwriting. Honestly, does it matter? I love doing it. Who's the judge of whether it's good or not? The minute I didn't care anymore (about other people's thoughts and my own brainwash), is when it just started happening naturally. And fyi, these are not pretty songs. Life is not "pretty", even though in the earlier paragraph I said it was good. In my opinion, I would be manipulating both myself and you if I just made pretty songs. If I write about life and myself honestly, it is bound to be both fucked up and beautiful at the same time.

Friday, April 23, 2010

This week has been eye-opener, quite literally. So much self-exploration; some people might even call it unhealthy. I say, who cares. I like to dive into things.

I got sick with a cold and had to find a way to deal with my stir-craziness, so I picked up a book by Anthony DeMello, called Awareness. Mind you, I'd been trying to read this book some years ago, but then thought it a bunch of psycho-babble and mumbo-jumbo.
Now, I found it utterly compelling! It is funny how one changes. The same book/music/art piece can have so much more meaning for you, depending what's going on in your life or your level of awareness.

I've gradually found that true awareness is the only way I'll ever find balance and peace.
Though I know that balance in life is a constant struggle, it doesn't hurt to have all the tools you can gather, to work with.

Life is fragile and anything could--and will happen--at any moment, (as I witnessed yesterday, helping out a lady, whose foot had been run over by a cab....ouch.)
This is how it is--the bittersweet beauty of it. Enjoy every beautiful moment of it!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Hey there,

I hope you are enjoying my new website!
I am thrilled
a) about spring!
b) about signing a record deal with NY label Engine Company Records this Monday, April 12th.
This means I will finally be releasing my new album Haunted worldwide on July 27th, 2010!

What a journey making this album has been! I have lived through the hardest years of my life while completing this record... which I'm sure can be heard in the darker tone of the music overall, compared to my earlier work. I have moved into more alternative territory and feel at home there musically. Now I can express an aggressive side that I've always had within.
I hope that my old listeners will grow with me as I grow into my own. In addition to that, I hope to find many more listeners around the world!

In a lot of ways I now feel stronger than ever and my music has no choice but to express it.
I suppose it is not just a cliche that most growth happens during adversity...
You'll be hearing a lot of my personal struggles on Haunted, and within the songs I write in the future. I am the type to cope with life's injustices, tough realisations, hate and disappointments by putting them into my music. Quite literally even.... Yet I can't help it that hope always glimmers on the bottom of it all. It is the way I'm wired, thank God. Maybe one day it will rise to the top?

Life continues to feel just a wee bit scary to me... but I have decided that that will not stop me from boldly going after my dreams. I hope you will join me on this journey. Feel free to write to me your comments and thoughts. I answer as much as I can. I will also be updating this site weekly, so keep checking in here and there...

I wish you love and success in this year! Let's keep growing and evolving. We are changing whether we like it or not, so we might as well make the best of it!