I had my very first listening party this week, which is crazy, being that I've already released 7 albums in my life (!). This was a lovely, very intimate get together with friends; we listened through, commented, and discussed the music. A very healing experience for me.
Somehow, I've felt very alone with this album up till now. It's been a project, through which I've fought for my personal artistic liberation. A lot about this album has felt heavy to me, including the name Haunted. Now I see it differently. I see that it's very honest to where I have been in my life, and that I should be proud of it. And I am, finally.
I now see too, that everything else that I've done in music so far, has been honest to where I've been in my life. Even in the times where I've been guided by someone else's musical vision. In those times, I just haven't been confident enough or strong-willed enough to push my own. I can accept that now. The reasons why are losing their importance to me. It is good to be aware of the past, but not to carry it as a burden.
It's interesting how people go through life not recognizing their emotions. Someone can tell you: "You obviously have a lot of anger in you.." And you yourself will have no clue. Well, I'm starting to recognize what I'm feeling. Positive emotions aside, negative feelings don't apparently all go under the umbrella of depression/anxiety. Whoa! What a revelation! You can sort through the shit and understand yourself. There are colors and shades of emotion and they are all fascinating. All of it is part of the human existence and should be enjoyed for what it is. I am learning.