Friday, March 25, 2011

Rage. I'm back to rage. Oh wait, I never even felt this before!
This is something else, not just the anger that I've been feeling regularly.....
Apparently there's a lot of aggression in me too. Great.
This is all a part of my little "Know Thyself"-project.

Some years ago, I took a couple of kickboxing classes and promptly stopped, as I realized that going out in the street afterward, I just wanted to kill everyone. Lol! That was a little worrisome, to say the least! But truth be told, I'm so thankful this is coming out now, as it's been there all along anyway. Me turning this shit inward has made me very weak. It's better to experience it and get it out.

There's actually a comical quality to this: as I write this, I have already twice had to to drop down and do push-ups to let off some steam. How can this feeling be so fucking overwhelming??? I finally understand the concept of anger management...
The way some people notoriously can't contain their shit at all. Yes, it is hard, I can see it now. I find myself wanting to break stuff (windows especially), kick doors, the subway (that would have been very stupid)... But, in the end, I am sane. I know that there's some benefits to be had here: muscle strength, vocal strength, rock-leaning guitar skills... I think I'll keep to the healthy stuff.

Even though killing certain people seems more tempting than ever (in the most brutal ways), I am in no danger of acting on my wild fantasies. Perhaps this is what they call trusting oneself... Perhaps this is the ultimate test for being secure in yourself... Perhaps this is it: I'm facing my own darkness! Perhaps one of these days my demons will turn in to angels...

Three sets of push-ups man, to write this.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Old patterns die hard. I have become aware that many unhealthy scenarios in my life have been repeating all my least, up until now. Once such a scenario in my life has come to an end, I have swiftly put myself into a very frickin' similar one. The play is the same--even the characters are the same, only the actors change... Why is familiar so comforting even when familiar is fucked up..? Because it feels normal. How am I to know what else is possible, if I have no frame of reference for it in my life?

My energy invites a similar, corresponding energy, which is why shit keeps on repeating, unless I change myself. But how do I change? When my patterns are so ingrained, that I can't even recognize them as they happen? Seems I am able to create scenes from the same messed up play from seemingly harmless ingredients..?
I think that in awareness lies the answer. Whether it's in the moment, or after the fact.

In the past I haven't realized how much power I have over situations at all times. I used to think that making a decision meant that you have to stick with it forever, and that there's no way out. That you are then merely required to make the best of whatever situation you may have put yourself into. This, I now find, is not true. We are allowed to change our minds at any point. And "no." is a complete sentence. The hardest thing is to be brave enough to change course when it feels right, or alternately, when something feels wrong.

I'm creating a different play now. It's still quite confusing, as I haven't fully grasped my new role as the director... I still keep waiting for someone to tell me what's going on--to tell me what to do. But I am learning to figure it out for myself.
To be a good director, I need vision. Of my own. Motherfuckers.

Friday, March 11, 2011

There are many things that excite me this week! Lots of neurons in my brain are sparking now, as I have been forming new pathways for a while. I have been feeding the Good wolf, and it is now tearing the Evil wolf into fucking pieces... And thus, a metamorphosis is taking place within my being. It is manifesting itself on the outside too. I am becoming clearer and clearer about my true identity, and it's actually visible. If I wasn't such a loner, I think people would comment...hehe...

I am actually so bursting with new energy, that it's hard for me to pick just one thread to share. I just wanna dump it all in the tiny space of my blog! After shedding so many layers of anxiety, it feels like spring in my spirit... After an endless winter, green shrubs are starting to pop up here, there, and everywhere, and shit is starting to bloom, man!

I think that one of the biggest reasons that I feel lighter right now, is the fact that I have a better understanding about the people in my life. I know now, that I can't expect to find all layers of understanding and deep connection with all the people that I love. All this time, I have been going to the hardware store for fruit, and being disappointed when I can't find it. Now, I am realizing that if I actually go there for wood and tools, it ends up being a joyous experience.

Not everyone in my life can be a Super-store for all those things that I want and need. Accepting this helps me to fully enjoy my exchanges with those around me. From now on, I will avoid getting injured by starting a conversation with a loved one,
about something they can't handle talking about. I am choosing to listen more, and will to try to find a common thread. For the last couple of weeks, I've already had some great test-runs with this. To know that the Super-stores do exist in this world, helps me enjoy my trips to the hardware store more.

Friday, March 4, 2011

I was attending the annual Tibet House benefit concert yesterday at Carnegie Hall, which was actually one of the best concerts I've ever seen. Among the performers were my new friend James McCartney, Michael Stipe, The Flaming Lips, Patti Smith, The Roots and Angelique Kidjo, among others. I found almost all performances captivating and compelling... But for me, personally, Patti Smith was the highlight of the night.

I was thinking about this on my way to Carnegie Hall on the subway.... Perhaps a little hard to put into only a couple of sentences, but, the here's the gist of my thoughts: Carl Sagan said we are all made of star stuff. He said it because it is absolutely true and scientifically proven. We and everything around us originate from the stars. It is our responsibility then to understand our own star power! To see that we are perfect as we are. No need to look up to anyone, or down on anyone, as we are all made of the same stuff. It's just about making the most of who we are.

Patti Smith really hammered home this concept last night. She was totally loose, completely at home with herself. As usual, she had dressed for the occasion looking like herself: no makeup, no hair styling-business, very casual wear. It was what she had to say--in words, in music, in her presence and engagement, that spoke volumes. There was a self-assurance, and utter freedom of spirit, that I sensed in her... It was fucking powerful!

This kind of woman would have intimidated me in the past. (And in fact, I had a very scary run-in with Patti Smith when I was 18...) But now, I find her so inspiring. Among all the surgically "corrected" and blow-dried women at the after-party, she was a beautiful exception. Trusting who she is, and being true to herself creates an aura around her, a charisma that is undeniable. She doesn't need for people to validate her, she validates herself.

Patti Smith has discovered her own star power, which is rare in this world, unfortunately. I believe that we are all capable of that though. Understanding our own beauty, appreciating and trusting ourselves will make the star stuff in us burn brighter.

I end with this video. I don't know if I'm just PMS:ing or something but I just got really emotional watching it... Enjoy.