There's always been some guilt associated with what I do, because I enjoy it so much. I've always felt like I'm slacking off--not actually working, when I'm doing things associated with my craft. I mean, singing, playing guitar, playing piano, reading and searching for new music on the internet doesn't really sound like work, does it? Perhaps until this week, I hadn't really understood that I am in fact working when I'm doing these things. I'd been trying to force myself into doing something more useful...which is actually quite insane. For an artist--what is more useful than getting inspired and being creative?
I think this has been part of the brainwash that I've been given ever since I was young. Work has always been something that's supposed to be really tasking and arduous. Work was supposed to make you fall apart eventually. I guess that's the model I must have seen in my youth....
Also, we often connect with each other by complaining about our asshole-bosses and the long hours of work. But the truth is, there is probably something absolutely inspiring and fulfilling for each of us to do in this world. For some weird reason we don't feel free to seek it out and start doing it. We let our environments, and the people around us decide for us. And even I, who have had the blessing of being an artist for so long, haven't been able to enjoy my work fully, because of this innate guilt. It's madness, isn't it? Some days ago, I became aware of it, and now I am trying to let it go, little by little.
I spent all of Monday night hunting down songs that were on Thom Yorke's "office chart" on the Radiohead website. (Can you tell I'm a fan?) I now have a pile of music that I've never explored before: much of it electronica, some dance and some alternative music with really fucking cool beats. I can't tell you how liberating it feels to realize that yes, this is fun. And it's also work.