Saturday, August 25, 2012

Perhaps this is Too Much Information for some, but here I am on my sofa, recovering from food poisoning. What a traumatic experience it is, when everything you've come to trust about your body all of a sudden goes out the window. The memory stays with you for a long time... Ugh.....

But let me just express a grateful thought about life not being boring or monotonous. Even on a day like this, I can look back at a week splattered with utterly memorable moments, both exciting and challenging. The highlight of this week easily being that I took huge steps forward with my album. The low moment? Well, you might guess what that was.... But then again, you might be how much is actually going on in my life at any given moment; how much can actually be going on in anyone's life at any given moment. It is hard to see from the outside. Anyway, I am thankful to have this rich and full life. I can truly appreciate it, as it hasn't always been this way...

"If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special."
- Jim Valvano

Saturday, August 18, 2012

#$^**@%##!!!!! Why the fuck do certain lessons have to be learned so many fucking times until they are permanently absorbed??!! When, in fact, will they be permanently absorbed? How many times do I have to fucking fall and get back up? Why is it I always have to learn how to get back up--why can't I ever remember it from last time? Man. Life is like this, eh? You never know what fucking chocolate you're gonna get.

Had I written this on any other day this week, I would have been expressing entirely different emotions. But in all that I do these days, I strive for honesty. Even if it's ugly, and not what people would like to hear. I'm not saying I always succeed in being truthful and real, but it would not occur to me to write about bunnies today. I am confused, pissed off, anxious and depressed. And so be it. Nothing in this universe is permanent and neither is this feeling. Looking forward to permanently absorbing that statement.

“Let's tell the truth to people. When people ask, 'How are you?' have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know, however, that people will start avoiding you because, they, too, have knees that pain them and heads that hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way: If people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you.”
― Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter

Saturday, August 11, 2012

A couple of years ago I was in a horse accident in which I broke my nose, dislocated my hip and got a pretty deep wound on my shin.. Watching the scar on my leg heal bit by bit helps me understand the healing process in general a little more clearly. In my experience the physical healing process is very closely related to the psychological and emotional one.

I notice that there are times when the physical injuries that I sustained in the accident suddenly act up and come to the surface... The new skin on my scar is still fragile and even a small scrape on it will take weeks to heal fully. The same is true for emotional wounds: sometimes, seemingly out of nowhere an emotional wound will get agitated, discharge some old dirt or pus, and take its time getting back to normal.

And...well...that's what's up right now. I'm feeling unsettled and angry because some old shit has been kicked up. By now, it's obvious that this will happen from time to time and that there's no use fighting it. The dirt is there, the pus is there so I now see it as my duty to let it out. If this was going on with a physical wound, I would clean it, right? I wouldn't shove the dirt back in, as the wound would get infected, right? I wish someone would have told me this when I was a kid. It would have saved me a lot of festering.

"How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?"
- William Shakespeare

Sunday, August 5, 2012

I'm noticing something really thrilling about myself this week... It seems I am no longer swayed by other people's realities. In the past, when I got bullied or somebody tried to push me against the wall, I would promptly lose my center and even agree with the aggressor. Now, I'm beginning to be rooted in what's actually real and accurate. Yes, I still have moments when I let bullies get their foot in the door, but my experience is that now I'm quickly able to smash that foot with the frickin' door. Perhaps one day soon, I will learn to not even answer the knock.

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.”
― Philip K. Dick