LESSONS IN ASSERTIVENESS, part I

The trouble with having been a doormat for so long is that there is a lot of pent up hurt and anger. A lot of the time the people who have caused this anger are not aware of it, as I've been silent about it so long.

So. This week I finally spoke up.
Except the result wasn't quite what I imagined. Or in some ways, it totally was.

I suffered a loss this week. A loss of friendship, a loss of partnership. Only because I finally spoke up. For a reason, might I add. Yes, I may have come off a little harsh, but in a healthy situation, concerns can and will be discussed in a healthy way and thus friendship and/or partnership can continue. Such is not the case in all situations.

Some dances we dance with others can only be danced in a specific way. There is no room for added choreography or changes. It is a painful, aching realization, that not every situation can be remedied by reasoning. And thus, the next lesson to be learned, once again, is letting go.

I am proud of myself for stating my case. I am proud of myself for having the courage to stick up for myself. Still, I am not a dick and don't want to come off as one. I know I have some practicing to do before I learn to harness my power in the way that I aim to. But, like a friend of mine said, "if you wanna make an omelet, you gotta break some eggs." True dat.
 
"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." - Erich Segal

This week has felt liberating to me. I became aware of something very profound about myself recently, and the realization is quite literally changing my life. I understood finally, after a lifetime of struggling to carry other people's burdens for them, that it is enough for me to merely carry my own. I no longer have to try to manipulate others into living their lives in a healthier way....that I cannot stop others from killing themselves, if they are intent on doing so.

Some part of this truth I've known for a longer time. A friend of mine made a good analogy yesterday, comparing it to a mathematical equation--learning a new formula, by which to get at the same answer. It creates a more holistic understanding of mathematics and the options available, except in this case the formula applies to life.

All my life, I've been feeling other people's feelings, anticipating everyone else's needs, and repressing my own. I've been a doormat, giving more than I can give throughout, and it has negatively affected my health, my career, my self-worth. Realizing finally, that everyone has a responsibility to take care of themselves and that I'm not responsible for anyone else, is a load off my shoulders I can't even begin to describe. By taking responsibility over others' lives, I wasn't able to fully take responsibility of my own. Now I am free to concentrate on my well-being, my life, my career, my happiness. I had no idea how much of my energy was going into obsessing about other people's lives; a dysfunctional dynamic learned in my dysfunctional childhood.

Now I have all of this space...all of this peace I didn't know was possible... A feeling of freedom I remember experiencing as glimpses throughout my life, but never as an ongoing feeling. I am determined to keep from advising, to keep from controlling, to keep from obsessing about others. Other people's lives are none of my business, and my life is none of theirs. I love it.

“The lesson I was learning involved the idea that I could feel compassion for people without acting on it. ”
― Melody Beattie

2013 is not wasting any time: I'm going through quite a breakthrough right now in understanding my life and myself better. I feel like I have baby-skin when it comes to this new stuff and need to process it some more; thus I will take this opportunity to steep instead of voicing half-baked thoughts. Today, I share with you a fable I came across last night:

"Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman's progress. In his hand, he carried a heavy wooden cane. Each morning, he asked her the same question: "Have you learned everything there is to know yet?" Each morning, her answer was the same: "No," she said, "I haven't."The guru would then strike her over the head with his cane. 

This scenario repeated itself for months. One day the guru entered the cave, asked the same question, heard the same answer, and raised his cane to hit her in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping his assault in midair.
         
Relieved to end the daily batterings but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. "Congratulations," he said, "you have graduated. 
You now know everything you need to know."
"How's that?" the woman asked.
"You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know," he replied. "And you have learned how to stop the pain."

Anger. If I'm really honest with myself, there is anger stirring underneath the surface all the time. To truly connect with reality, I need to connect with my anger. It's the wall that keeps me from connecting to the world with abandon and warmth. It's what keeps burning me from inside, making me sick, destroying me bit by bit, any time I don't allow myself to feel it and to express it... 

I am anger. Anger is me at this very moment. And yet I can feel many other emotions too at any given time. It's not that I stop loving or living, it's just that my anger is always present also. I need to get this poison out of me as much as I can, and as soon as I can. I'm working on it every day.

I turned 34 yesterday, and though much of the world tells us that there's nothing good about getting older, I have to say that I disagree. Despite all of this anger I've discovered within me, I am already more balanced and functional and also more content than I've ever been. Getting older doesn't necessarily mean getting wiser, but in my case I'm determined to make it so. And I wouldn't be able to call myself very wise if I continued to be filled with built-up unexpressed anger for years to come, could I?

My resolution for 2013 is to keep feeling my true emotions, to keep purging myself of anger, so as to keep becoming healthier, happier, warmer and kinder to myself and those around me. I still have a mountain to climb when it comes to my anger, but I am making progress, steady strides all the time.

The following quote is meant on a grander scale, but I connect to it on a personal level. This road I'm on ain't easy street, but I'm inspired to follow in the footsteps of others who have done this work and flourished. Inspired and honored.

"Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals."
- Martin Luther King, Jr. 

For these last 2 1/2 years, my blog has been a place for me to vent my feelings, to chart my journey towards a healthier way of looking at life and living it... I've expressed many complicated emotions and thoughts during this time and I've talked about sensitive issues such as struggling with Post-traumatic stress disorder. Now I find myself increasingly moving onto more tangible things, solving day-to-day issues, getting my foundations in order... Life is becoming more concrete for me: it's not a dense fog anymore, where I'm cautiously trying to feel my way out, trying not to trip on the broken branches. I'm in a more solid place now--not so much in my head as before, and I'm able to see everything around me more clearly. (Not just because of the glasses....)

2012 has been a good year for me. Not easy by any means... I've faced many unforeseen challenges, the likes of which I haven't dared to face before. But I'm very proud of the work I have done. When you're trying to catch up with the rest of the world and attempting to grow up to be an adult at 33, there is not a lot of time for rest and idling. When I started on this journey a couple of years ago, my emotional age was 14. And I ain't kidding. I've come a long way.

2013 will see me releasing a new album, getting comfortable in my rediscovered artist self and introducing you to what has musically been bubbling under all of these blog posts. I think you will be presented with a whole other side of the story... I feel like this is a new beginning for me as an artist--finally on my own terms. And as I continue to learn more skills in the coming years and trust my craft more and more, I am convinced that my best work is yet to come. For the first time in my life, I look forward to the rest of my time on this Earth, as I know that I can grow and expand throughout all of it. There are challenging years ahead for all of us, in terms of what's going on with the climate, etc., but even in the face of darkness, we shall dance. 

“We shed as we pick up, like travellers who must carry everything in their arms, and what we let fall will be picked up by those behind. The procession is very long and life is very short. We die on the march. but there is nothing outside the march so nothing can be lost to it.”
― Tom Stoppard, Arcadia

It is hard for me this morning to think about anything other than what happened yesterday in Newtown, Connecticut. I've lived in the U.S. for 17 years now, and as proud as I am of the many beautiful ideas that this country is built on, e.g. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness", it seems to me that yesterday is a good example of where we the people are being stripped of exactly those unalienable rights. In this case, due to lack of gun control.

My friend Blake Morgan just posted this statistic on his Facebook-wall:
"Last year Handguns Killed: 48 People in Japan, 8 Great Britain, 34 Switzerland, 52 Canada, 58 Israel, 21 Sweden, 10,728 in The United States"
Immediately, he got the classic reply from someone mindlessly regurgitating this over-simplification she must have heard somewhere, a slogan admittedly rampant in the American media: "Guns don't kill people, people do." And in not having bothered to think it through for herself, actually believes it.  I got as aggressive as I ever have been, and it took some serious self-restraint not to attack her in a very personal way, despite the fact that I don't even know who this person is. My friend did a great job in replying to her via fact instead of personal attack and I wish to share it here:

"People don't kill people with spoons, which is why we don't need Spoon Control. They kill people with guns, which is why we need some fucking gun control. This lunatic yesterday wouldn't be able to kill 20 children in a classroom with a spoon. Your argument is like saying, 'bats don't hit home-runs, players do.' Well, how many home runs do you think Babe Ruth would have hit without the bat?"

Today, I think about my little niece and nephew, who I was just buying Christmas-presents to yesterday... I think about a family of my own, that I might want to have one day. How would I feel sending my children to school in this country, at any age, if the laws regarding guns are as lax as they are today? I need not remind anyone, that this is far from the first attack of this kind in schools in the US.

Like it or not, mental illness is very common in this world. A lot of the time it is impossible to tell who of us may be afflicted with it. Truth be told, driven to dire circumstances, all of us are capable of heinous deeds. Whatever laws they are enforcing in Japan, Great Britain, Switzerland, Canada and Sweden, seem to be working better than the laws we aren't enforcing here in the States.  As in the case of global warming, when oh when is the evidence enough, that we can't continue on
in the same trajectory??

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I was studying for my GED (General Education Diploma=high school diploma), as I never finished high school in my youth. This was due to my moving to New York to pursue a career as an artist in the middle of my schooling. In any case, as I gradually study for the test now, I'm discovering surprising new things about myself. I used to hate math in school, and couldn't find any patience for it, but now as I study for it on this genius (free!) website called Khan Academy (http://www.khanacademy.org/), I'm actually getting quite addicted to it..! I can spend hours on this site: counting, counting, counting... Who knew?! What I like about it is that it's built almost like a video-game, and it satisfies my craving for that sort of environment and challenge. It's easy to see your advancement from one level to another, and you get badges of honor and all kinds of rewards and shit like that. Fun! Check it out..!

To go with my increasingly more intelligent and intellectual sense of self, I got my first reading glasses yesterday. No, this is not meant to be a fashion statement--it is unfortunately a necessity, but I feel good about it. I got myself a cool pair of vintage frames and I look kinda saucy in them, if I say so myself. Among many other things, this is a reminder that "time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping...into the future..." Time will do its tricks on all of us, and no thing is to be taken for granted. But changes can be enjoyed and I relish, once again, at seeing every word on a page crisply and clearly. While seemingly a small, ordinary thing, it is a huge privilege and warrants some serious enjoyment. On that note, I say to thee: carpe diem!

"In reality, killing time is only the name for another of the multifarious ways by which Time kills us."   - Osbert Sitwell