For the past few days, I've been thinking a lot about the concept of commitment... When I was younger, many things happened to me before I really had a chance to make a conscious choice about them. My career started at such an early age (13), that at the time I did not fully understand all that I was getting into. A pattern was formed then and possibly even earlier, that made me a bit of a drifter in my life. Things happened to me, and I felt like I didn't have to take responsibility for anything, as I hadn't ever fully committed to any of it.
I became aware in the last few days that this pattern of noncommittal is still a part of my life. I've been hiding behind the perception that I'm never totally control of my life or my choices. The reality that I'm waking up to now is that I am. Where I am in my life is due to the choices that I'm making continuously on a day to day basis, whether they are half-assed or thought out ones. At this point, (no longer 13) I can't blame anyone else or put the responsibility on anyone else's shoulders. Though initially an unnerving thought, it does feel strangely liberating to me...
I'm working on being brave enough to fully plunge into the things that I love and are meaningful to me; to not be haphazard about any of it. Things don't always work out and nothing is perfect, but I can't imagine bigger regret than not having given it my 100%. With commitment I claim ownership of my choices, and that to me is powerful. Downright ballsy.
“The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it's not without doubt but in spite of doubt."
- Rollo May, (existential psychologist, 1909 – 1994)