My buttons have been pressed many times this past week.
It took me a while to recognize what those buttons do to me,
as at the initial pressing, I merely felt numb. Thus, it is not the act itself that fucks me up, but the reaction it creates within me in the long term. That's why I've found it so hard to place the source of the hurt...
It is those automated negative responses, that are the problem. These mechanisms, that are so hard-wired into my system, that they are very challenging to undo.
But undo them I must. It is in my power. I will not live my life allowing others
to manipulate me and make me feel like I owe them something. I am in no debt to anyone. No one is. People who try to put us into that position are attempting to control, and that is really fucking unhealthy.
So, this week I've been re-learning some things that it turns out I hadn't quite absorbed yet. Thankfully, the lag time seems to be a little shorter these days.
I'm choosing to look at the button-pressing as an opportunity for growth.
The goal, I guess, is to have no buttons at all.
"The important thing is not the finding, it is the seeking, it is the devotion with which one spins the wheel of prayer and scripture, discovering the truth little by little. If this machine gave you the truth immediately, you would not recognize it, because your heart would not have been purified by the long quest."
-Ursula K. LeGuin