Much of what I'm going through right now is a developmental phase that apparently is usually experienced around ages 13 to 20. Circumstances got in the way of my emotional development back then, but luckily, it seems it's never too late to get to know oneself. (!) It is quite possibly the most important thing one could do in one's life. The only way we could ever live up to our own potential, I think.
It occurred to me this week that I've never really thought through what I actually believe in. My religious experience in this world has been a vague hodgepodge of deities and belief systems going in and out of my consciousness throughout my life. I've delved/dabbled in Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, New Age, even atheism, but none of it stuck. So what do I believe in, Truly? I suppose when I started thinking about it, I was expecting to to discover that I am an atheist. It seemed natural, with all this interest in science I have these days... But in truth, I am quite
possibly the opposite of that. Turns out, I am a pantheist.
As I google Pantheism, this is what I find: "Pantheism is the view that the Universe (Nature) and God are identical." In other words, to me, All is God. Every frickin' thing and being, no-thing and non-being in this universe and beyond.
I no longer wonder why so much of Marcus Aurelius' Meditations speaks so directly to my soul, and why I've felt so connected to Stoicism; why I've recently fallen in love with the writings of the poet Robinson Jeffers, and also Lao Tzu, whose Way Of Life I have been studying... All of them are apparently pantheistic. It feels strangely like home, finding this thread.
Going with my gut is the closest thing I know to doing "God's will," following the logos, going with the flow of life...
To do that, I'm trying to silence all the other voices inside my head.
Every day now, I can hear my own voice a little louder than before...
"Straight, not straightened." -Marcus Aurelius