This week has been quite awesome actually. In a really simple and peaceful way.
I can feel the layers and layers of anxiety that I've lived with most of my life, peeling away, slowly but surely. What's underneath is....well....me! Underneath is the little girl who used up all her free time in playing the piano, writing songs, drawing, singing. That's back when I was still free, in mind, in spirit. What happened next (among other fucked up things), was the school system, that in all its rottenness educated me out of my natural creativity. But I think that's a different rant for a different day....
What's cool now is that I'm writing (and finishing!!!) new songs! On my own, at long last. Throughout my career, I have mostly been collaborating as a songwriter, with only a couple of exceptions. Now, I'm doing it all on my own. I can't tell you what an obstacle it has been: the fear that I'm not good enough on my own. It's taken me a long time to get here--to believe for the first time in my life that who I am is enough. That really is key. No need to invent stories, to try to impress, to try to please. I'm not afraid to be "wrong" anymore/right now. And it's spilling out into every area of my life. Finally, I know how to leave the party when I want to, when I'm still having fun. I'm learning to move away from a conversation with a person I'm not enjoying talking to... It's all connected, isn't it? It all comes down to the simple understanding of 'who I am is enough.' I don't need to be anything that I'm not, in songwriting or in life. That's freedom. That's fucking empowering.
Turns out, it's really not about conquering the world and making zillions of dollars. (Oh, I knew that....) It never has been. Happiness and peace seem to come from simple things, falling into place... and being present to enjoy it.
"Yes, there is a nirvana; it is in leading your sheep to a green pasture, and in putting your child to sleep, and in writing the last line of your poem."