One of the more important quests that I am on right now, is the quest to become green(er). Having plugged myself back into life and out of the Matrix, I am shocked at how much I keep getting bombarded with the message that we need to change and start healing our planet. It's everywhere! And the message has been out there for a long time, though I haven't really been listening. I couldn't. I was trying so hard to escape facing my own shit, that I ended up running away from the rest of reality as well. Now I am on red alert.

Going green is new to me. Most, if not all of my green lifestyle changes have happened within this year. But I feel a great urgency to do what I can on an individual level, to ease the burden on this planet. Here is where my impatience really gets in the way. I want to be good at everything straight away! (This is a challenge in all areas of my life....) When I see something that's wrong, I want to change it instantly... But the truth is, if I want to make lasting changes, it's smarter to go about it gradually, in phases. The last thing I want to do, is abuse or deprive myself. So, it's better to let information sink in slowly. Now that I know this: http://www.mediapeta.com/peta/Images/Global/peta_infographic-truthabouteating.jpg, what do I think about it? What changes do I want to make?

Once a piece of information sinks in, and you really see it, it's impossible to unsee. I'll use a really grotesque example. As a kid, most/some of us thought that boogers were delicious.... But after getting a clearer understanding of what is what, and why it's gross to eat them, you have absolutely no inclination to do it anymore... I mean, I can't help but be repulsed by what I just said. The realization of it is That strong. And most truths are. Once they sink in, they become a part of you.

I believe that gradually, I will see the whole truth about going green, and it will become second nature. I mean, a lot of it makes total sense and has already sunk in; some of it hasn't. But I trust that whatever resistance I still have, will melt away as I continue opening my eyes up to the bigger picture. Like a friend of mine often says: “You are entitled to your own opinion, but you are not entitled to your own facts.” We only have this one planet, and if we continue to mistreat it, we will destroy ourselves.
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Suggested reading: Gorgeously Green (8 Simple Steps to an Earth-Friendly Life), by Sophie Uliano.

This week has been quite awesome actually. In a really simple and peaceful way.
I can feel the layers and layers of anxiety that I've lived with most of my life, peeling away, slowly but surely. What's underneath is....well....me! Underneath is the little girl who used up all her free time in playing the piano, writing songs, drawing, singing. That's back when I was still free, in mind, in spirit. What happened next (among other fucked up things), was the school system, that in all its rottenness educated me out of my natural creativity. But I think that's a different rant for a different day....

What's cool now is that I'm writing (and finishing!!!) new songs! On my own, at long last. Throughout my career, I have mostly been collaborating as a songwriter, with only a couple of exceptions. Now, I'm doing it all on my own. I can't tell you what an obstacle it has been: the fear that I'm not good enough on my own. It's taken me a long time to get here--to believe for the first time in my life that who I am is enough. That really is key. No need to invent stories, to try to impress, to try to please. I'm not afraid to be "wrong" anymore/right now. And it's spilling out into every area of my life. Finally, I know how to leave the party when I want to, when I'm still having fun. I'm learning to move away from a conversation with a person I'm not enjoying talking to... It's all connected, isn't it? It all comes down to the simple understanding of 'who I am is enough.' I don't need to be anything that I'm not, in songwriting or in life. That's freedom. That's fucking empowering.

Turns out, it's really not about conquering the world and making zillions of dollars. (Oh, I knew that....) It never has been. Happiness and peace seem to come from simple things, falling into place... and being present to enjoy it.

"Yes, there is a nirvana; it is in leading your sheep to a green pasture, and in putting your child to sleep, and in writing the last line of your poem."
--Kahlil Gibran

When I started writing this blog last year, I commented on how reclusive I was becoming. For the first time in my life, I was spending time alone, a feat that I had dreaded for most of my teenage and adult years. Spending time with myself wasn't much fun in the past, as for a long time I had been becoming very judgmental of myself: blaming, guilt-tripping, chastising... I had learned these thoughts and behaviors from others, but within my head, they became relentless and more painful, than what anybody else had ever managed to do to me. There was no way to escape myself, except through dependency on various people and substances.

As the fog is lifting, I wouldn't call myself reclusive anymore. More accurately, it turns out that I am an introvert. At least right now in my life I am. As I become kinder to myself, I happily spend most of my time on my own. Don't get me wrong, I love my close friends, though they may be fewer than before. I just find that the stronger the connection I have with myself, the deeper the feelings I am able to feel for others. And thus, my priority right now is to become whole, within me. A happy couple of sorts (with myself), so I won't need to depend on anything else or
anyone else for my happiness.

Being an artist, I always had this misconception, that I was supposed to be outgoing and 'on' all the time. The truth is that for me, being that way is only achieved through copious amounts of alcohol. So it must be, that that doesn't come naturally to me. Don't you think? How about I just go with what's true and what feels good? Why the fuck not.

Instead of right and wrong, I'm learning to think in terms of healthy versus unhealthy. We are all different, and no one rule applies, except maybe:

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."

-William Shakespeare

I just got home from a magical day of exploring The Brain at the Natural History Museum, which seems to be becoming my second home these days... One of the reasons being, that one time isn't enough for me to grasp any piece of information. Shit needs to be drummed into my consciousness, over and over and over and over.... But apparently that's not just me. From what I understand, that's all of us. We have to really program information and skills into our brains for them to become automatic, or to even retain anything in long-term memory.

Throughout my life I wasn't really encouraged to think that I am intelligent. In fact, I was encouraged to think quite the opposite, partly just because I'm a woman. Unfortunately, this is the truth, even in this day and age. This last year I have started to break through that black magic and proven to myself in many ways, that my brain is capable of learning wondrous things. I am also capable of unlearning, and rewiring, which I find equally thrilling.

What I took home from the brain-exhibition was the inspiration to keep challenging myself and my brain, every day, for as long as I live. I have lost many years of my life in killing my brain cells, feeding myself useless information, watching crappy TV, reading gossipy magazines... I suppose I didn't always know that I had the capacity for better things. The good news is that now I do know better, and I have a choice!

The brain is constantly changing and evolving to fit our individual lives. It all depends on what we do with it. It's really up to us to fill our minds with thoughts and skills that we deem worthy of developing. Though it's a lot of responsibility,
I'm excited to think that our brains have endless potential--regardless of what we have been told. It's just about beginning somewhere, and staying focused, despite initial frustration. The new pathways that are formed in the brain will become stronger and more efficient with every use, and thus it all gets easier.

Here's one piece of information I am learning to absorb: "If you believe you can, you can." The pathway is already forming....