Anger turned towards oneself becomes depression.
Why would you ever need to be angry at yourself? You did your best, didn't you, with the knowledge that you had? We all do. There's no need for hindsight, or what ifs. You learn your lesson and you do better next time.

I will not allow anybody to make me feel guilty anymore!
I will not allow anybody to tell me what I should have done!
I will not allow anybody to make me feel bad!
I will not allow anybody to make me feel stupid or incompetent!
I will not allow anybody to patronize me!

In the words of Rage Against The Machine: Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!
And in my own words: Fuck you I won't think what you tell me!

Hmm. I think I'm finally reaching puberty. ;) And should probably be writing a song right now....

There's always been some guilt associated with what I do, because I enjoy it so much. I've always felt like I'm slacking off--not actually working, when I'm doing things associated with my craft. I mean, singing, playing guitar, playing piano, reading and searching for new music on the internet doesn't really sound like work, does it? Perhaps until this week, I hadn't really understood that I am in fact working when I'm doing these things. I'd been trying to force myself into doing something more useful...which is actually quite insane. For an artist--what is more useful than getting inspired and being creative?

I think this has been part of the brainwash that I've been given ever since I was young. Work has always been something that's supposed to be really tasking and arduous. Work was supposed to make you fall apart eventually. I guess that's the model I must have seen in my youth....
Also, we often connect with each other by complaining about our asshole-bosses and the long hours of work. But the truth is, there is probably something absolutely inspiring and fulfilling for each of us to do in this world. For some weird reason we don't feel free to seek it out and start doing it. We let our environments, and the people around us decide for us. And even I, who have had the blessing of being an artist for so long, haven't been able to enjoy my work fully, because of this innate guilt. It's madness, isn't it? Some days ago, I became aware of it, and now I am trying to let it go, little by little.

I spent all of Monday night hunting down songs that were on Thom Yorke's "office chart" on the Radiohead website. (Can you tell I'm a fan?) I now have a pile of music that I've never explored before: much of it electronica, some dance and some alternative music with really fucking cool beats. I can't tell you how liberating it feels to realize that yes, this is fun. And it's also work.

I was feeling so many things at the same time last night that they all canceled each other out. I felt absolutely numb. For that reason, I decided to wait until the morning to write. Vision and numbness/scatterbrained-ness can't really exist at the same time.

Within the last week or so, I've put a lot of energy into figuring out what my dreams are in life, so as to be better at working towards them. I wrote them in a journal: went into real specifics and made some goals and timelines for myself. Some of them even felt a little audacious.
If this sounds like some sort of self-help shit to you, well, you would be right. But I do think that it's really important to know what you want in life and what you dream of. Otherwise, it's very easy for people and circumstances to steer you off your path. Also, how else are you gonna have vision for who you are, and who you wanna be?

I read a beautiful quote from Alice Walker some days ago. It was in Finnish, so pardon my translation--I will most likely butcher it. You will get the gist of it though: "Look closely at the present moment you are building. It should resemble the future you dream of."
That's some perspective, eh?

Since boldly envisioning a very fucking bright future for myself, some magical things have already started to happen. There have been work opportunities coming in this week, the likes of which I haven't experienced in my life so far.
By believing in yourself, you become a part of the logos, the Providence, the flow of the Universe. If you put yourself down, you're going against nature.

OK, I'm gonna come out of the closet and say it: I do kung fu.
Apparently, you're not supposed to talk about it, because if someone gets mysteriously killed in a bar-fight, then it would be easy to blame you. But first of all, I haven't been doing it long enough to be able to kill anyone. Second of all, if anyone gets killed by me, then they must have seriously had it coming. Thirdly, I spend very little time in bars these days. (what?)

The reason why I'm sharing this with you, is because in my blog I like to talk about things that matter to me. And man, this does. Kung fu has impacted my life in such a positive way! Nevermind the new muscles, I feel like it is teaching me a lot about myself and people in general. I'm learning about good energies and bad energies; of trust; of using power for good, rather than for evil. All of that Star Wars-shit about the force and the dark side of it, is starting to make a lot of sense now. And I truly feel like I can read people's intentions better than before. I'm more aware of situations and can better protect myself, mostly on a purely psychological level. I don't exactly know what is affecting what, but I feel like kung fu goes beautifully hand in hand with all the other soul-searching that I've been doing. It helps keep me grounded.

Being a woman, it is extremely empowering to study some sort of self-defense. I could have used some kung fu-skills in the past, even if just for mind games that were being played at me. I feel like what I'm learning now is not just physical, it's emotional self-defense as well.
What I like about it most, is that it shows me week after week, a slow progress, that I may not be noticing in other areas of my life. The more you practice a certain skill, the easier it gets, even if the change is not always so obvious as you go. The trick is to keep at it....
Through this knowledge, I trust that everything else I'm working on, is slowly getting better, just like my kung fu skillz.