Holy shit.
I've just been having one of the best days in my life. If not the best.
I have a feeling of peace inside of me as I write this...

I was just talking to a friend of mine about the fact that I find it hard to enjoy good moments sometimes, because of a fear that it may be taken away at any moment. And the truth is it can. This is not just anxiety, it is what's accurate. One of the most important things then is to know that I'm good with everyone I want to be good with, come what may. That the people I love know that I love them. And at this point in my life, I feel that is the case. I have no regrets. From that place, it's easier to enjoy what's going on. I'm not holding onto anything or anyone for dear life... I can't. Life just kinda makes that impossible...

The other most important thing is this: acknowledging those moments that are worth noting and remembering, like today. My life is not perfect by any means--there is plenty that I could be fretting about at any given moment... In fact, part of my life is a shit-storm at the moment..! But today I chose not to concentrate on that. I was present, I was here, I was happy. And I would like to add to that: I Am here. And I am happy. Despite everything.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
- Mahatma Gandhi

What can I say.. I'm slow today. There's only so much a heart and a head can handle at any given time, and my brain is a little blurry right now...

I find emotional work as tiring as any physical work. It's just that sometimes one doesn't realize and appreciate how hard one is working, when it's "merely" happening within one's head. Well, I'm suffering from mental indigestion right now and thus will keep this short. But before I go, I'd like to share this profound quote from an unreasonably brilliant and versatile man:

“Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”
~Albert Einstein

I think Mr. Einstein has it right: you shovel out the shit and zone in on the stuff that matters. But honestly, tonight I'm done. I'll pick up the shovel again tomorrow.

Some coping mechanisms are so idiotic. Insane even. They shouldn't even be called coping mechanisms, as they really hinder our ability to do just that: cope. For some people it's substance abuse, for some it's food, sex, avoidance, self-blame, religion, you name it--I've used many of these. I still have a bunch of ill-conceived ones, and up until recently I've been quite oblivious to them. Every time a challenging event or fearful situation appears on the radar, I tend to distract myself with the scariest thoughts that I can think of...and voila! Mission accomplished! I'm not concentrating on the challenging event anymore: I'm so paralyzed by the scary thoughts that I've created, that I hardly have room in my head to think about what was bothering me originally.

It often happens that as I write my blog, I end up learning something important in the process. Today it was by reading some info on Wikipedia about the subject of coping mechanisms. Turns out that the coping mechanisms I spoke of in my earlier paragraph are actually called 'maladaptive coping' or 'non-coping skills'. How fitting! That's truly what they are. Apparently there are actual coping skills out there, that would actually help! I have even been learning many of these in the last couple of years, but they still often go out the window in times of adversity.

But in this, as in so many other things in life, knowledge is power. Now that I know I have healthier options to deal with problems, why the fuck would I opt for the negative? My challenging event is fast approaching and I have two choices: wallow in fear about unrelated topics or check out how Wikipedia's suggestions would work out. Here they are, for your reading pleasure:

"While dealing with stress it is important to deal with your physical, mental, and social well being. One should maintain their health and learn to relax if they find themselves under stress. Mentally it is important to think positive thoughts, value oneself, demonstrate good time management, plan and think ahead, and express emotions. Socially one should communicate with people and seek new activities. By following these simple strategies, one will have an easier time responding to stresses in their lives."

Sounds pretty frickin' healthy to me..!

I am very excited to report that I have now started production work on my next album! On this record I will be playing guitar myself for the very first time in my life, and most likely I will also be playing piano. In addition to this, I have written every song myself (with the exception of a possible cover-tune).

Two years ago I would never have thought any of this possible, as I was still very much climbing out of the wreckage of what my life had been. I had been made to believe that I was dependent on other people's skills and intelligence to survive, to accomplish anything in this world. Now I'm discovering day by day that I can and will be able to navigate this life on my own. Collaboration and partnership is a whole other deal--a matter of choice rather than necessity. And thus, it becomes a prospect of joy and adventure; equality instead of dependency.

Artists often put pressure on themselves in trying to create "The Masterpiece" every time they work on a new project. I admit to having a bit of that in the back of my mind as well... But right at this moment, I will make a pact with myself that I'll try to think of this album more as an accurate depiction of where I'm at in my life as an artist. Nothing less, nothing more. If I'm able to express my current depth and character in these songs, it is already a huge accomplishment, much beyond my earlier works.

I will never be the artists that I idolize, as much as I wish that I would be. It is time to embrace who I am in all my strengths and weaknesses, as they all make me who I am. My life and my experiences are why I have my unique story to tell, and it's time to tell it, in my music. Not a Masterpiece, just my current truth.