The inevitable side-product of plugging myself in and finally understanding myself, is that I'm also plugging myself into my surroundings. Now, without a thick layer of anxiety shielding me from the world, and from reality, I am able to grasp the truth of what's going on within myself, in social situations, in society, culturally, environmentally....

It is interesting how much knowledge we as people can gather, without actually absorbing it... Knowing how wasteful we are and how it's impacting the environment, and yet not making any changes within our own lives. This is because in addition to ignoring our surroundings, we have grown to ignore what's going on in our bodies as well. If we are not able to listen to and understand ourselves, how are we to see the world for what it truly is?

We are so busy conforming to the rules of society, fitting the mold, keeping with the fashion, saying the right things, doing the right things, making money, meeting the right people, making the right connections, getting ahead, showing off... Imagine how much anxiety all of this creates! How the fuck would we have any time to consider what's actually going on in the world?

I want to share two links I found rummaging around the Radiohead-website (again!):
http://www.storyofstuff.com/
http://www.chrisjordan.com

Quite thought-provoking. I have a strong urge to start doing something. A couple of weeks ago, I was scared to death in my home on the top floor, as hail the size of gum-balls drummed deafeningly on the roof of the building I live in. I had no idea what was going on, and I was already traumatized by the tornado that had swept through Brooklyn a couple of weeks before...Global warming, anyone? Extreme weather..?

I know that I need to fix myself first, before I start attempting to do anything about anything. It's like they say on the airplanes: put your own mask on first. But once my mask is securely on, I'll do what I can.

I am a recovering agoraphobic. This means that I've been scared/anxious of wide open spaces. Imagine how much you have to work on sedating yourself in order to ignore the fact that we are surrounded by this vast open space: the universe, at all times. Talk about running away!

But, like I said--I am recovering. Here is part of my daily dose of reality: the Astronomy Picture of the Day.

http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/astropix.html

Breathtaking, isn't it?

I have always been fascinated by space, despite my fear. How could one not be? Now, I've recently begun my astronomy studies from the original series of Star Trek  (www.startrek.com). Man, that show is genius! Ok, so possibly not the most trustworthy and current source for information on the universe. Especially being that it was made in the sixties.... But I'm taking babysteps, yo!

Seriously though, astronomy will be a lifetime project for me. I have an appetite for knowledge about it now, and I'll learn a little bit every day. The space gives me perspective to give myself time. To not be impatient, and try to be more than I am at any moment. There is a process to everything. Learning should/could really be a peaceful process and there is no strain or exertion needed. Knowledge and skill (and healing too) come with patience and an open and relaxed mind.

Here, I'd like to quote Rainer Maria Rilke. The following speaks of an artist, but it could apply to any human being:

"There is here no measuring with time, no year matters, and ten years are nothing. Being an artist means, not reckoning and counting, but ripening like a tree which does not force its sap and stands confident in the storms of spring without the fear that after them may come no summer. It does come. But it comes to the patient, who are there as though eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly still and wide. I learn it daily, learn it with pain to which I am grateful: patience is everything!"

I am marveling at the fact that right now, I'm really grabbing hold of music, like I haven't done since childhood. It is because of all this life, pouring back into my veins! I can hardly recognize myself for who I used to think I was. Instead of thriving, I was surviving. It's about time to turn this around.

Now, Neil Young is teaching me guitar, Nirvana is teaching me bass, Patty Griffin is teaching me singing, and Radiohead is teaching me new chords on my piano. This is how I originally learned singing: on my own. It makes sense that in studying every other instrument, I would use the same tactic.

There are no rules to anything in this world, though the powers that be would like to have us think otherwise. Whatever works for you is right. Schools will teach you a generic skill, and be very self-righteous and pompous about their methods... But they will not teach you your own way of doing things. And that, if anything, is valuable.
Like Bruce Lee (my hero) says: “using no way as a way, using no limitations as a limitation.”
My translation: do your own fucking thing. Follow your own fucking vision, put no limits on yourself.
I hope nobody ever quotes me. There'll be so many swear-words....

When it rains, it snows. Life is so unexpected.
In my life right now, there is rarely a dull day. Challenging events happen on a daily/weekly basis, and I've had to deal with more serious things this year than ever before. And yet, weirdly enough, I'm in a better place emotionally than ever before. I would even go so far as to say that this is the best year of my life. And this is because I'm working hard, every day, to concentrate on the positive. To do what I can, to pick myself up, to understand and be compassionate towards myself, to be kind to myself. I did not have these skills before.

It would be so easy for me right now to despair, to stay in bed and just stare at the wall. Unfortunately, I've been there before, and I know many walls very well. (not just one, Thank God....;)) But I choose not to do it anymore. I'm gonna keep my eye on my goals and keep working towards them. It is a beautiful day, and in truth, we all have this moment only. It is our privilege to enjoy it, for whatever it is. To exist in the first place, is so completely random, and quite a miracle.
I accept these things that I cannot control.

(Alright! Made it through this week's blog without swearing! Goddammit.)

I continue on my rant from last week.
I write this, just in case it blows the mind of even one of you reading this, like it has blown mine.
Last week I said: depression is anger turned against yourself.
Here's my revelation of this week:  Anxiety is unexpressed anger. (!!!!)

Think about it, fellow anxious people/person! You are merely really fucking angry. Anxiety results from the attempt to try and control that anger.  And if you don't know why you are angry, find out why! Here I quote Peter Gabriel:
"I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt"
(Genius!)

I am filled with black venom, which is starting to come out in my every punch and kick. It comes out in every dark thought that I write on paper, every aggressive note I sing. I am absolutely furious, and less anxious all the time. I Love being angry! It's liberating me, freeing me to finally be who I am.