I just got home from a shoot that lasted the whole day. I am frickin' wiped out! But I have made a commitment to myself to write my blog every Friday and I'm gonna frickin' honor that. A commitment seems to me a sacred thing now.

This week has been challenging for me. I have been unlocking reasons for an inner darkness that I've had all through my life. That darkness, although a source of a lot of beauty in my life, has been a heavy burden to carry.
What we live through seems so normal to us as we live it. So tame, so mundane even. And yet, when you start examining your past--start objectively seeing it for what it is--some things you once thought normal, are in fact shocking.

We are not born dark. We get that way for some reason. And that is actually a beautiful thing: it means that something can be done to remedy the situation! The further I get on my road, the less blame I'm able to cast on anyone. At least, that's how I feel today. ;) I find immense compassion, even towards the Darth Vaders of my life at certain moments. That is, when I'm not feeling righteous anger. And the reason why I feel compassion is this: We are not born dark. We get that way for a reason.

Being able to say no honestly and courteously is key in this world. If you can't say no, who is to trust you when you say yes? How are you gonna follow your own vision if you let others guide you? How do you not end up being abused and used by others until you learn how to say no? It is one of the most basic skills people should have, and yet they will not teach this to us in school. (?!?) Parents often don't teach it to their children, for fear it would make them harder to govern. (!) It's the simplest thing, and yet many of us go through our whole lives without learning it.

The culture as a whole prefers to have us be sheep, easily herded like cattle. The world around us will have us think that we are supposed to be nice, and to make nice with everyone. Not so. We are supposed to make nice with ourselves. And in that process, we end up making nice with others. Or not. Who cares? We are allowed to choose who we wanna be, and who we want to spend time with. Life is limited, spend it wisely.

I had many opportunities this week to say no. Some of them, I mastered. But in one particular case I fucked up and now have to salvage the situation. What I learned, is that it's better to draw the lines straight away, in order to not create confusion. Clear boundaries are a beautiful thing! And mistakes are opportunities for learning...

I finished reading another life-changing book yesterday: Ursula K. Le Guin's "A Wizard of Earthsea." Phew. Man. Even through the tales of wizardry, dragons and magic spells, I was able to relate to every line, every chapter, as if they told the story of my life. I am in awe of the gift this woman has for metaphor, for story-telling. And before you read my blog any further, I suggest you read the book. It's the easiest read ever.
Spoiler alert!

We carry within us all the experiences, thoughts and emotions we've ever had, especially those that were left unresolved. Things don't just take care of themselves and fade away at some point. Until we resolve those issues, we continue dragging around older versions of ourselves. Janita 1.0, Janita 2.0, Janita 3.0.... Trust me, some of it wasn't pretty, and I was hoping to leave them behind. Turns out I can't. They're all in me.

In order for me to become a true individual (definition: autonomous, distinct, indivisible entity), I will have to accept, understand and own all of these versions of me. That, I suppose, is to become a complete human being. To get there requires that I open some more cans of worms, but now I'm getting quite eager to do it. And here I get back to the brilliant mind of Ms. Le Guin: how surprising the places where we find pieces to unlock our puzzles!

I bought a new guitar today!!! This is the first guitar I've ever bought for myself and I'm having a love affair with it already! (my fingertips ain't....)

But consequently, I got to thinking this: inanimate objects hold a lot of energy. (Or alternately, we react to them energetically.) Until today I haven't been cognizant of the fact that I have in fact been avoiding playing my other two guitars because they carry many painful memories with them.(!!!) The enthusiasm that I have for this untainted instrument is proof of it--I don't believe it's just the newness. Playing this guitar, I have a feeling of freedom and starting from a clean slate.... What excitement!

Back in 1998 I met up with a famous video director, as we were planning to work together at the time. Towards the end of the meeting at her place, she offered me an absolutely beautiful lamp with colorful mosaic-type glass decoration. She told me that she wanted to get rid of it, as she had recently been divorced and felt it carried bad energies. I considered her silly for letting go of such a special piece, but thanked her and took it nevertheless.

Today, for the first time, I truly understand her. I have unconsciously been disliking various pieces of my furniture.... Whoa!
And yet, instead of tossing them, my preference is to now make peace with these inanimate objects that I abhor. Perhaps my newfound awareness will help me exorcise these bad energies I speak of. I will create a new relationship with these things, much as I have done with the city I live in. It's about consciously claiming them. And fyi, whatever I can't learn to love again will be found on the street next Tuesday. (...not the guitars though! ;))