I'm finding such joy in art right now; in being an artist. I look at my guitars, hung up on my wall: my Hofner bass, my Fender Telecaster, my acoustic Epiphone guitar, and I feel a deep connection to them. Although I am new to playing these instruments, I feel like I have a sensibility, my own style of doing it, much like I have my own way of singing. It is very gratifying--having those hypnotic moments of being in the zone--playing music; creating a beautiful sonic tapestry and just feeling like I want to lie down in it...to wrap myself up in it..

Even though I've been a professional artist over half of my life, I was always encouraged to think that mine is not a real job. I was even brainwashed to think, that I would never measure up to the real artists, who "actually know what they are doing." (What?) I always had this nagging feeling in the back of my brain, that I should be studying to be a _______ or a(n)________. Probably because I was told, again and again, that I should get that aforementioned "real job." What the fuck in this world is a real job, if mine isn't, I ask you?
"We find that we live on an insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe in which there are far more galaxies than people. " -Carl Sagan
Keeping that in mind, can anyone please explain to me, why anyone should be doing anything other than what they love to do???

While I never did go to school to study _______, thinking that I was doomed trying to be an artist was painful and paralyzing. It was only last year that I finally gathered up the nerve to declare to myself and to my family, finally, that this in fact who I am. I Am a fucking artist. Goddammit.

Since then, things have changed for me. I have taken control of my destiny, and dedicated myself to the pursuit of art, as much as has been humanly possible. I'm still pissed off at myself for having allowed others to steer me off course. I'm even more pissed off at them for trying to do that in the first place! But I'm grateful that I had the courage to make the choices that have put me back on my path...

"I have spent my life learning how to choose to do what I had no choice but to do." -Ursula K. Le Guin

Friends, I bought my first bass yesterday! My new companion is a Höfner "violin bass", a.k.a. the Beatle bass, similar to the one used by Paul McCartney throughout his career. I have to say, it's Pretty Fuckin' Cool!

Getting my own bass, learning to play it, and utilizing it as a tool to create the vision for my next record requires some balls. I don't know that I'd be quite as brave at this point, were it not for the encouragement and support that I'm receiving right now. To have a constant positive voice in my life is priceless. A person who recognizes my talent, my intelligence and my musicianship; a person who fans my flames of interest into passion towards life and discovery... Having a mentor (or quite honestly, more than one) is completely altering my life.

Being supportive to another requires that one is comfortable in his or her own skin, and that seems to be a rare quality... Most of us have had so many negative messages coming at us since childhood, that we often find it threatening when others possess gifts or talents that we'd like to have as well. Instead of being energized and positively motivated by that twinge of jealousy (which would be way smarter...), it is common for us people to be passively aggressive towards those that we actually
admire. I'm sure most of us have had to deal with this in one way or another...

Two nights ago I watched one of the best films, that I've ever seen: a beautifully shot documentary about Patti Smith called Dream Of Life. Watching this film, that followed her life intimately over 11 years, I could have easily chosen to be threatened and discouraged by the scope of Patti Smith's artistry, her power and her myriad talents... Instead, I chose to be inspired. I want to find a way, little by little, to make my life as meaningful and artistic in its own way. Nope, I will never be Patti Smith. (Nor will she ever be Bob Dylan, who she clearly admires very much..) But I am able to truly appreciate her uniqueness and her talents now, as I'm finally recognizing and getting comfortable with my own. Having positive people for support and guidance makes all the difference. I blow a kiss of gratitude to the breeze.......

I'm enjoying the fact that there are so many threads in my life these days. Whether it's the threads of work, relationships, home, or a sense of personal contribution, I feel like I'm weaving them all together to create a deliberate design... I'm creating a fabric, a picture, of who I am and who I want to be. For the first time, I've picked out the threads and yarns myself, and it is quite exciting to see the image that is emerging...

This picture looks very different from the one that I was weaving before. In the past, it was all pretty tangled up and messy, even with so many fewer threads to work with. For a while there, all my strings were wound around somebody else's finger... Turns out, that's not a very productive place to be. So, we use scissors, and we start again.

According to Carl Sagan, even if one was able to time-travel, it would probably be pretty hard to change the course of history by changing just one thing. Apparently this is because of all the different threads going on at any given time, e.g. biological, economic, sociopolitical... These create a complex and dense weave that is not so easily unraveled.

I like to think that with our lives, it could be the same way. If we build our lives around one thing, we are easily shattered by change and events beyond our control. If instead, we decide to make our lives rich with meaning on many fronts, we won't come undone so easily. I doubt that I will ever have to cut up all my threads and start from scratch again. I may decide to add/change colors or textures, some strings may be cut, but I have a solid base now to build on top of. Tangles be gone.

To me it is obvious that nothing in this world operates on its own. It's true for everything... Legs are good for running, but trying to do it with just one leg--not so easy.

It is slightly unnerving that there are so many separate moving parts in every given...well...thing. For example, this week I discovered, that in order to have good self-esteem, I'd need to be comfortable in my skin in All Areas of my life. It's not enough just to be confident in one, or even most. If I put myself down in one area of my life, it trickles down to everything else that I do. It's good to be aware of one's weaknesses, but it's another thing all together, to be needlessly insecure. But that shit can be worked on, thankfully.

I've suffered from a lot of abuse from a lot of people in my life, but I'm breaking the cycle now. Through coming to terms with my own abuse, I've become very sensitive to evidence of it around me. Whether it's racism, or cultural, religious or dogmatic oppression...I see evidence of it every time I get on the subway here in New York. When you open your eyes to something, it's almost impossible not to see it.

One area where I'm particularly sensitive to abuse is the environment. If we weren't so abused in our own lives, I don't think we'd be so quick to do it to the environment either. Abuse creates anger, disconnect and mindlessness, among other sucky things. The worst part about abuse, is that it doesn't stop once the abuser is no longer around. It becomes our reality--it continues on in our heads and we pass it forward. How are we going to be kind to the environment, if we can't even be kind to ourselves?

The reason why being kind to nature is important, is that we can't live without it. The weather is already starting to turn against us, with unprecedented storms, floods, fires and droughts due to global warming... According to an article written by Al Gore for Rolling Stone-magazine, there is a "constant dumping of 90 million tons of heat-trapping emissions into the Earth's thin shell of atmosphere every 24 hours." That's abuse if anything is!

I'm not trying to paint a picture of doom and gloom here. I have a lot of hope, although I know that this issue is urgent for all of us. These days, I regularly ask myself the question: What can I do as an individual to be kinder to our planet, and to help heal it? This blog is one thing that I'm doing. I am, needless to say, trying to connect with you. I don't write this only for myself, even though I do find it very therapeutic.
This quote comes to mind:

What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult to each other? -George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans), novelist (1819-1880)

Through my own experience in this world, what I see, is that being kinder to ourselves, will inevitably lead to us to being kinder to everything that surrounds us: the nature, other people, animals... Becoming aware, if or when we are abusing ourselves is key.
We are all connected. One leg can't run without the other.

"If you want to work on your art, work on your life" - Anton Chekhov

These days, I regularly surprise myself with what I am capable of, both on a personal, and on an artistic level. Where was all this *fill in the blank* hiding before?? Answer: underneath a load of crap that I've sifted through.

There are so many more layers of understanding and capacity in a human being than most of us realize. We unconsciously understand our truth in every situation, so lying to ourselves will eventually fuck us up. You can fool some of yourself some of the time, but you can't fool all of yourself all of the time. Your body and spirit always know what's really going on, even if your mind doesn't. Makes sense to become more conscious of the unconscious then, doesn't it?

I've put some devotion into working on my life this past year.. As a result, I am a better singer, a better songwriter and a better musician than ever before. I am, most certainly also, a better performer. My life and my art are utterly intertwined, completely connected. Getting to know who I am, finding out my strengths and weaknesses, allows me to walk a straighter line towards my goals. No longer distracted by what's presented as 'trendy! cool! must-have! must-be!' at any given time, I'm better able to pick out the things that interest and inspire me. Most of the hype simply isn't relevant to me.

There's no need to measure up to anything, our own personal truth is all. Our interests are as varied as our personalities, and that's a beautiful thing. Why try to fit into some ideal format of who we "should" be? Who the fuck is defining who we should be, anyway? And what does it say about me that I've been listening to peppy, Mexican disco-music from my favorite video game, Little Big Planet, all week? I don't much care. It's where I'm at.

This week, I resolve to think less (and to live more).
That just about sums it up for me today...






"The world can only be grasped by action, not by contemplation. The hand is the cutting edge of the mind." -Jacob Bronowski

"All this buttoning and unbuttoning..." read an anonymous 18th-century suicide note. I can relate. Life can get pretty tiresome at times, with all this raveling and unraveling... Apparently the word ravel even means the same thing as unravel, in addition to meaning the opposite of it. So there you go. I'm talking about those times, when you really feel like you're getting somewhere, and then consequently finding yourself back, seemingly, at square one.

One of my favorite movies is The Groundhog Day, starring Bill Murray. I think it perfectly portrays the essence of what we're dealing with, when it comes to life, provided we're not in the middle of a natural disaster, for example. Every day is essentially the same, if we decide to live it that way. Every day, we have a million choices on what to do with our lives, and yet often we choose to do what we've always done, because it feels safer.

I have a disorder that is known as PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder. I have lived with it for most of my life. A lot of the fear that I'm pushing through has become inbuilt, and I can hardly remember living without it. That's why this process called life has been extra-challenging for me. But I am choosing to do like Bill Murray (once he gets over his frustration)... Like him, I have decided to build healthy routines on top of healthy routines and I trust that one of these days, I'll wake up next to Andie McDowell. (You know...that being the symbolic equivalent of it.)
Apparently the truth is, we get better. We really do. We just need to decide to do so, one day at a time.