I think that most of us are brought up to believe that it is important to please others, to be agreeable. Many of us have the illusion that it is more important to make friends with others, than it is to make friends with ourselves. Well, I certainly bought into that brainwash for most of my life, and gradually forgot who I was.

For many years, I thought I was a party-girl. Now, having gotten to know myself better, I realize that in truth I am a bit of a loner. I am very selective these days when it comes to friends. I must be able to be sober and still have a good time with the people that I'm with. Rarer than one would think, that.

Parties like Thanksgiving remind me that life is too short to be spent around people I don't really care about. Why waste time? Why not concentrate on the people who I love, people who support me, people who inspire me, and people who think of me as an equal? I don't want to spend my time biting my tongue, holding back punches, enduring the company of others. The kung fu in this situation is avoidance. Why put myself into situations that I don't enjoy?

I care less and less about what others think about me, and thus am becoming more and more true to myself. There are some in this world who will find me more appealing because of this, and many others, who will have the opposite response. Needless to say, I will be concentrating on spending my time with those who get me. And those who don't? Fuck em.

There is very little I have power over; very few things I can control. (arghhh!!!)
This is becoming increasingly clear to me. While it is initially a disappointing realization, perhaps I will learn to, from now on, concentrate on those very few things that I in fact can...control/change/affect. Makes more sense, doesn't it?

Though I am not a conventional believer, there is much wisdom in this prayer.
My favorite line in it: "...as it is, not as I would have it."

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I have never experienced fall with this poignancy before. I have in the past considered myself a "fall-person", and have always looked forward to it, but this year I was actually sad to see summer go... In the recent weeks, I have, more than once, found myself haunted by ghosts of my past on the streets of New York.. And partly due to season, I have also become painfully aware of the fleeting nature of things. Of life itself.

And yet, this is as important a part of the life cycle as any other. Shit needs to die before it can rejuvenate again. (I prefer not to get too poetic about this...) Change is constant, change is inevitable. I can't believe how many years I tried to fight against a natural change that should have been happening in me all along. We can do that, sure! We can resist change, thinking that doing so will benefit the people close to us. Truth is, it doesn't. Preventing your own change and growth, or somebody else's, is really fucking unhealthy, and will bite you in the ass sooner or later.

I end with a more eloquently written quote I received from my friend today:
"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." -William Somerset Maugham, writer (1874-1965)

Healing (mentally, physically, spiritually) is a strange and peculiar business... It never seems to be a straight road. It's not a process where you go up and up and up, towards more success every day. Instead it's two steps forward and one step back. (And usually, that one step back feels more like 4 steps back...)

Healing is hard work. And unfortunately no one else can do it for us--it is our own responsibility. One has to really make an effort to be patient with oneself in the process, cause it's so frickin' challenging (and frustrating!). Sometimes the things we are handed seem like just a little too much to handle. But there's beauty in the struggle; a beauty that can be seen very clearly after making it through the worst bit. It is when we are pushed to our limits, that we end up growing the most.
And we get by with a little help from our friends.... :)