This week has been quite awesome actually. In a really simple and peaceful way.
I can feel the layers and layers of anxiety that I've lived with most of my life, peeling away, slowly but surely. What's underneath is....well....me! Underneath is the little girl who used up all her free time in playing the piano, writing songs, drawing, singing. That's back when I was still free, in mind, in spirit. What happened next (among other fucked up things), was the school system, that in all its rottenness educated me out of my natural creativity. But I think that's a different rant for a different day....

What's cool now is that I'm writing (and finishing!!!) new songs! On my own, at long last. Throughout my career, I have mostly been collaborating as a songwriter, with only a couple of exceptions. Now, I'm doing it all on my own. I can't tell you what an obstacle it has been: the fear that I'm not good enough on my own. It's taken me a long time to get here--to believe for the first time in my life that who I am is enough. That really is key. No need to invent stories, to try to impress, to try to please. I'm not afraid to be "wrong" anymore/right now. And it's spilling out into every area of my life. Finally, I know how to leave the party when I want to, when I'm still having fun. I'm learning to move away from a conversation with a person I'm not enjoying talking to... It's all connected, isn't it? It all comes down to the simple understanding of 'who I am is enough.' I don't need to be anything that I'm not, in songwriting or in life. That's freedom. That's fucking empowering.

Turns out, it's really not about conquering the world and making zillions of dollars. (Oh, I knew that....) It never has been. Happiness and peace seem to come from simple things, falling into place... and being present to enjoy it.

"Yes, there is a nirvana; it is in leading your sheep to a green pasture, and in putting your child to sleep, and in writing the last line of your poem."
--Kahlil Gibran

When I started writing this blog last year, I commented on how reclusive I was becoming. For the first time in my life, I was spending time alone, a feat that I had dreaded for most of my teenage and adult years. Spending time with myself wasn't much fun in the past, as for a long time I had been becoming very judgmental of myself: blaming, guilt-tripping, chastising... I had learned these thoughts and behaviors from others, but within my head, they became relentless and more painful, than what anybody else had ever managed to do to me. There was no way to escape myself, except through dependency on various people and substances.

As the fog is lifting, I wouldn't call myself reclusive anymore. More accurately, it turns out that I am an introvert. At least right now in my life I am. As I become kinder to myself, I happily spend most of my time on my own. Don't get me wrong, I love my close friends, though they may be fewer than before. I just find that the stronger the connection I have with myself, the deeper the feelings I am able to feel for others. And thus, my priority right now is to become whole, within me. A happy couple of sorts (with myself), so I won't need to depend on anything else or
anyone else for my happiness.

Being an artist, I always had this misconception, that I was supposed to be outgoing and 'on' all the time. The truth is that for me, being that way is only achieved through copious amounts of alcohol. So it must be, that that doesn't come naturally to me. Don't you think? How about I just go with what's true and what feels good? Why the fuck not.

Instead of right and wrong, I'm learning to think in terms of healthy versus unhealthy. We are all different, and no one rule applies, except maybe:

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."

-William Shakespeare

I just got home from a magical day of exploring The Brain at the Natural History Museum, which seems to be becoming my second home these days... One of the reasons being, that one time isn't enough for me to grasp any piece of information. Shit needs to be drummed into my consciousness, over and over and over and over.... But apparently that's not just me. From what I understand, that's all of us. We have to really program information and skills into our brains for them to become automatic, or to even retain anything in long-term memory.

Throughout my life I wasn't really encouraged to think that I am intelligent. In fact, I was encouraged to think quite the opposite, partly just because I'm a woman. Unfortunately, this is the truth, even in this day and age. This last year I have started to break through that black magic and proven to myself in many ways, that my brain is capable of learning wondrous things. I am also capable of unlearning, and rewiring, which I find equally thrilling.

What I took home from the brain-exhibition was the inspiration to keep challenging myself and my brain, every day, for as long as I live. I have lost many years of my life in killing my brain cells, feeding myself useless information, watching crappy TV, reading gossipy magazines... I suppose I didn't always know that I had the capacity for better things. The good news is that now I do know better, and I have a choice!

The brain is constantly changing and evolving to fit our individual lives. It all depends on what we do with it. It's really up to us to fill our minds with thoughts and skills that we deem worthy of developing. Though it's a lot of responsibility,
I'm excited to think that our brains have endless potential--regardless of what we have been told. It's just about beginning somewhere, and staying focused, despite initial frustration. The new pathways that are formed in the brain will become stronger and more efficient with every use, and thus it all gets easier.

Here's one piece of information I am learning to absorb: "If you believe you can, you can." The pathway is already forming....

It has become clear to me that I am on a spiritual (war-)path of sorts. I embarked on this journey only because my life couldn't continue going in the direction it was headed, and I knew certain things had to change. I thought that quitting drinking would do it--that it would be some sort of fix-all. Instead, it was only the beginning. The space created was quickly filled with shit, and thus began the wading through it. I never expected all the truths I'd encounter....having to alter my beliefs on pretty much everything in my life. Seeing all my relationships differently, seeing my motives differently, seeing my own actions in a completely different light. But now that I've started, there's no turning back. I wouldn't do it for anything.

Last week I got some serious poison out of my system, by way of anger. These last couple of days I've been applying ointment on my wounds. Feels good, man. I'm being uncharacteristically patient about all of this, and that feels good too. I'm taking my time, trying not to rush through it, or push myself. There's nothing more important that I could be doing right now.

This book that I just started reading, The Other Wind by Ursula K. Le Guin, is inspiring, in that the characters aren't just doing and achieving at all times. For example, there's this dude who has just arrived to deliver some grave news to the Archmage, and they decide to wait until the next day to talk about it. (!!!) First, they have bread and cheese and onions... And then they sleep. And then they have breakfast (a similar meal), and only after that, do they get into the heavy shit. I mean, I can respect that. We can't handle heavy shit at all times, (especially after a long journey). We gotta have some cheese and bread first. And onions.
I leave you with a quote from the book:

"So rest a while. We can talk in the cool of the evening. Or the cool of the morning. There's seldom as much hurry as I used to think there was."

I am in full anger mode. I'm living the movie Kill Bill in my head, pretty much 24/7, starring me. And every asshole in my life so far is quite literally getting a taste of my Hattori Hanzō swords. I have two! Again, this is all happening in my head and I am not about to harm anyone in real life. (I can tell the difference between the two, which, as we know, is not a given...) In this case, my gory, homicidal thoughts are actually a release, and totally healthy. It is what came before that was unhealthy.

I am not a good girl. Deep inside I never was, even though I'm sure I fit the definition for most of my life. (I believe the definition is to put everyone else's needs before one's own..? Or letting others do that for you.) In truth, I don't believe there is such a thing as a good girl or a good boy. Nobody is 'domesticated' that way naturally. Instead, we are made to be that way, by our parents, our peers, our teachers, our culture, even our spouses.

I think the good girls and good boys of this world have more unexpressed anger than everyone else, and they're probably seething inside. I sure am. It is actually more cause for concern to be one, because these people get used and abused at every turn. A good girl ends up having to do many naughty things to please others.... And that creates a lot of anger, which, if left suppressed, can cause A Lot of damage to the one carrying it around. (Doing good is a separate thing all together. I bet you Mother Teresa was a feisty woman, and definitely not, a 'good girl.')

The irony is that in my good girl-days, I was doing more bad things than I'm doing now. These days, I am living quite clean. The difference is, I'm allowing myself to be human, and I'm learning to listen to my emotions. I'm staying honest and true to myself, learning to not be dependent on others' opinions or reactions. I'm taking risks and allowing myself to make mistakes....and I'm allowing myself to completely and utterly demolish certain people in my head. I am human.

Much on my mind.... I'm seeing the connectedness in so many things I didn't realize were connected before. Truth is, everything is. I've been going through a brain-revolution this week. I don't look at anything (or anyone) quite the same way anymore. At the risk of alienating my reader, I'm just gonna get this out of my system. It feels important.

I've been watching renowned astronomer and author Carl Sagan's Cosmos-series this week; educating myself on the universe, Earth, space travel, time travel and U-man beings (as Mr. Sagan would say...hehe...). Beyond exciting, beyond fascinating! All these prospects of discovery of new worlds and new life, of ourselves..... I have so much belief in our capacities--how far we could stretch and evolve, if we give ourselves the chance. How far we have already come! If we do not destroy ourselves, we will be able to travel to the stars. (!!!) I believe this species has what it takes to become Highly Evolved. We are discoverers, adventurers by heart--not warmongers!

Here comes the wild connection. There are those amongst us (1 in 25 people), who have no conscience--towards other people, or towards Earth itself. This is fact. I have been very blind to this all my life, and always assumed the best about everyone. I've tried my hardest to explain away the evil behavior of certain people close to me, thinking that there must a reason, an explanation. I have learned this week, that the explanation in some cases is that they actually don't have feelings, the way the rest of us do. (Suggested reading: The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout)

Because it is so hard to spot these characters, the safest thing to do, is to learn to use one's reasoning skills. To know oneself thoroughly, so as not to be swayed by manipulation. To question authority when needed, as you never know, who's running the show. We need to learn to do this individually, and as a whole. We can't afford to be intimidated--to have some sociopath tell us that there's no global warming for example, and to keep consuming as we are doing. It's serving their individual purposes, not us U-man beings as a whole. Those of us lucky enough to have been blessed with a conscience--need to think for ourselves, feel for ourselves and take responsibility, more than ever before.

People without a conscience, left unchecked, have the capacity to destroy us all. I vote for reason, courage and heart. Seriously, I just want to see us build a really fucking cool spaceship.

I got very excited about New Year this time around. I got this crazy spurt of energy and decided to change my life completely. Hehe.... I was gonna be extra-organized, extra-diligent, extra-motivated, extra-fast, extra-everything... I was trying to reach a goal that is simply unattainable: some sort of Perfection in my life. The irony is, that within a week of me being all extra-effective, I have totally overdone it. I didn't give myself enough time to steep and think and appreciate all that I had accomplished. Now I'm feeling fried and frustrated, and very high-strung. There's no life in all that hectic running around and achieving. There's no creativity. There's just anxiety, and I'm just about done with that, thank you very much.

So, I think there's one more resolution I should make for the New Year. I am to be more compassionate towards myself--allowing myself enough time to center myself, to listen to how I'm feeling, what I am thinking... not just press on mindlessly.

I think the trouble with most of us, especially here in the States, is that we don't have enough examples of a balanced life. We are constantly bombarded with the message, that we are to work hard and make lots of money and buy shit. That's why we have to work doubly hard at reminding ourselves of what really matters....

Well. I opt for sanity. I opt for health and I opt for balance. I bet you I'll be more effective in the long run if I learn to pace myself. Fuck perfection.