JANITA :: The Official Blog

I am in full anger mode. I'm living the movie Kill Bill in my head, pretty much 24/7, starring me. And every asshole in my life so far is quite literally getting a taste of my Hattori Hanzō swords. I have two! Again, this is all happening in my head and I am not about to harm anyone in real life. (I can tell the difference between the two, which, as we know, is not a given...) In this case, my gory, homicidal thoughts are actually a release, and totally healthy. It is what came before that was unhealthy.

I am not a good girl. Deep inside I never was, even though I'm sure I fit the definition for most of my life. (I believe the definition is to put everyone else's needs before one's own..? Or letting others do that for you.) In truth, I don't believe there is such a thing as a good girl or a good boy. Nobody is 'domesticated' that way naturally. Instead, we are made to be that way, by our parents, our peers, our teachers, our culture, even our spouses.

I think the good girls and good boys of this world have more unexpressed anger than everyone else, and they're probably seething inside. I sure am. It is actually more cause for concern to be one, because these people get used and abused at every turn. A good girl ends up having to do many naughty things to please others.... And that creates a lot of anger, which, if left suppressed, can cause A Lot of damage to the one carrying it around. (Doing good is a separate thing all together. I bet you Mother Teresa was a feisty woman, and definitely not, a 'good girl.')

The irony is that in my good girl-days, I was doing more bad things than I'm doing now. These days, I am living quite clean. The difference is, I'm allowing myself to be human, and I'm learning to listen to my emotions. I'm staying honest and true to myself, learning to not be dependent on others' opinions or reactions. I'm taking risks and allowing myself to make mistakes....and I'm allowing myself to completely and utterly demolish certain people in my head. I am human.