Perhaps this is Too Much Information for some, but here I am on my sofa, recovering from food poisoning. What a traumatic experience it is, when everything you've come to trust about your body all of a sudden goes out the window. The memory stays with you for a long time... Ugh.....

But let me just express a grateful thought about life not being boring or monotonous. Even on a day like this, I can look back at a week splattered with utterly memorable moments, both exciting and challenging. The highlight of this week easily being that I took huge steps forward with my album. The low moment? Well, you might guess what that was.... But then again, you might be surprised....at how much is actually going on in my life at any given moment; how much can actually be going on in anyone's life at any given moment. It is hard to see from the outside. Anyway, I am thankful to have this rich and full life. I can truly appreciate it, as it hasn't always been this way...

"If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special."
- Jim Valvano

#$^**@%##!!!!! Why the fuck do certain lessons have to be learned so many fucking times until they are permanently absorbed??!! When, in fact, will they be permanently absorbed? How many times do I have to fucking fall and get back up? Why is it I always have to learn how to get back up--why can't I ever remember it from last time? Man. Life is like this, eh? You never know what fucking chocolate you're gonna get.

Had I written this on any other day this week, I would have been expressing entirely different emotions. But in all that I do these days, I strive for honesty. Even if it's ugly, and not what people would like to hear. I'm not saying I always succeed in being truthful and real, but it would not occur to me to write about bunnies today. I am confused, pissed off, anxious and depressed. And so be it. Nothing in this universe is permanent and neither is this feeling. Looking forward to permanently absorbing that statement.

“Let's tell the truth to people. When people ask, 'How are you?' have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know, however, that people will start avoiding you because, they, too, have knees that pain them and heads that hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way: If people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you.”
― Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter

A couple of years ago I was in a horse accident in which I broke my nose, dislocated my hip and got a pretty deep wound on my shin.. Watching the scar on my leg heal bit by bit helps me understand the healing process in general a little more clearly. In my experience the physical healing process is very closely related to the psychological and emotional one.

I notice that there are times when the physical injuries that I sustained in the accident suddenly act up and come to the surface... The new skin on my scar is still fragile and even a small scrape on it will take weeks to heal fully. The same is true for emotional wounds: sometimes, seemingly out of nowhere an emotional wound will get agitated, discharge some old dirt or pus, and take its time getting back to normal.

And...well...that's what's up right now. I'm feeling unsettled and angry because some old shit has been kicked up. By now, it's obvious that this will happen from time to time and that there's no use fighting it. The dirt is there, the pus is there so I now see it as my duty to let it out. If this was going on with a physical wound, I would clean it, right? I wouldn't shove the dirt back in, as the wound would get infected, right? I wish someone would have told me this when I was a kid. It would have saved me a lot of festering.

"How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?"
- William Shakespeare

I'm noticing something really thrilling about myself this week... It seems I am no longer swayed by other people's realities. In the past, when I got bullied or somebody tried to push me against the wall, I would promptly lose my center and even agree with the aggressor. Now, I'm beginning to be rooted in what's actually real and accurate. Yes, I still have moments when I let bullies get their foot in the door, but my experience is that now I'm quickly able to smash that foot with the frickin' door. Perhaps one day soon, I will learn to not even answer the knock.

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.”
― Philip K. Dick

Holy shit.
I've just been having one of the best days in my life. If not the best.
I have a feeling of peace inside of me as I write this...

I was just talking to a friend of mine about the fact that I find it hard to enjoy good moments sometimes, because of a fear that it may be taken away at any moment. And the truth is it can. This is not just anxiety, it is what's accurate. One of the most important things then is to know that I'm good with everyone I want to be good with, come what may. That the people I love know that I love them. And at this point in my life, I feel that is the case. I have no regrets. From that place, it's easier to enjoy what's going on. I'm not holding onto anything or anyone for dear life... I can't. Life just kinda makes that impossible...

The other most important thing is this: acknowledging those moments that are worth noting and remembering, like today. My life is not perfect by any means--there is plenty that I could be fretting about at any given moment... In fact, part of my life is a shit-storm at the moment..! But today I chose not to concentrate on that. I was present, I was here, I was happy. And I would like to add to that: I Am here. And I am happy. Despite everything.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
- Mahatma Gandhi

What can I say.. I'm slow today. There's only so much a heart and a head can handle at any given time, and my brain is a little blurry right now...

I find emotional work as tiring as any physical work. It's just that sometimes one doesn't realize and appreciate how hard one is working, when it's "merely" happening within one's head. Well, I'm suffering from mental indigestion right now and thus will keep this short. But before I go, I'd like to share this profound quote from an unreasonably brilliant and versatile man:

“Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”
~Albert Einstein

I think Mr. Einstein has it right: you shovel out the shit and zone in on the stuff that matters. But honestly, tonight I'm done. I'll pick up the shovel again tomorrow.

Some coping mechanisms are so idiotic. Insane even. They shouldn't even be called coping mechanisms, as they really hinder our ability to do just that: cope. For some people it's substance abuse, for some it's food, sex, avoidance, self-blame, religion, you name it--I've used many of these. I still have a bunch of ill-conceived ones, and up until recently I've been quite oblivious to them. Every time a challenging event or fearful situation appears on the radar, I tend to distract myself with the scariest thoughts that I can think of...and voila! Mission accomplished! I'm not concentrating on the challenging event anymore: I'm so paralyzed by the scary thoughts that I've created, that I hardly have room in my head to think about what was bothering me originally.

It often happens that as I write my blog, I end up learning something important in the process. Today it was by reading some info on Wikipedia about the subject of coping mechanisms. Turns out that the coping mechanisms I spoke of in my earlier paragraph are actually called 'maladaptive coping' or 'non-coping skills'. How fitting! That's truly what they are. Apparently there are actual coping skills out there, that would actually help! I have even been learning many of these in the last couple of years, but they still often go out the window in times of adversity.

But in this, as in so many other things in life, knowledge is power. Now that I know I have healthier options to deal with problems, why the fuck would I opt for the negative? My challenging event is fast approaching and I have two choices: wallow in fear about unrelated topics or check out how Wikipedia's suggestions would work out. Here they are, for your reading pleasure:

"While dealing with stress it is important to deal with your physical, mental, and social well being. One should maintain their health and learn to relax if they find themselves under stress. Mentally it is important to think positive thoughts, value oneself, demonstrate good time management, plan and think ahead, and express emotions. Socially one should communicate with people and seek new activities. By following these simple strategies, one will have an easier time responding to stresses in their lives."

Sounds pretty frickin' healthy to me..!