The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.
Andy Rooney

Some doors take a really fucking long time to close. There is one particular door in my life that I've been closing--pushing and pushing shut for many years now. This one turned out to be way heavier than I originally thought... Unimaginably heavy in fact. Yet, how readily it swung open again, at every possible opportunity... It is now close to being shut, with but a fell breeze blowing in..

In trying to close this heavy door I speak of, I've conveniently been able to delay opening another one. God knows what lies behind it! At least I know the dungeon I came from! Hehe...

But seriously, I don't want to live my life in a corridor, in a waiting room... I want to bravely enter whatever spaces and phases might lie ahead. It's time to make that final exertion, I now know for sure that I'm strong enough to shut the damn door. I don't want to catch another whiff of that breeze, of toxic fumes. And perhaps what lies behind the next door is sunshine and fresh air! Who the fuck knows? I think it's time I find out.

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of nonessentials. -Lin Yutang, writer and translator (1895-1976)

I subscribe to The New York Times "A.Word.A.Day"-e-mail, and I received the above great quote from them yesterday. It rings very true to me, as in the past I have often crammed my days with way too many chores, ending up feeling entirely overwhelmed by them. Recently, I've been learning to structure my life in a way that leaves more time for contemplation and relaxation... Interestingly enough, I have ended up getting more done than ever before!

I've often felt this urgency that I Only Have This One Day To Do Everything That Needs To Be Done!!! Somehow the wisdom in the quote "Live every day as if it were your last" got warped in the translation... It created this stress of accomplishing, succeeding, achieving... In my experience, that kind of attitude just creates paralysis and frustration. If, instead of a sprint I see my life as a marathon, I can divide the things that I want to do over a longer period of time. True, we all have just this one moment: tomorrow, or even the next moment is not promised to us. But let's face it -- some of us indeed end up living until we are 80. Taking that into consideration, wouldn't it make more sense to take smaller steps every day towards where we want to go?

I for one have decided that that's how I want to live my life. Taking smaller bites every day in fact ends up giving me the opportunity to live, love and be merry in the process. Really, what's the hurry? (I should really listen to myself, hehe... Even now, there is a ticking clock somewhere in the back of my head, pressuring, pressuring, pressuring...)

Truly, I think that this urgency is another chip installed by this world, one that I passionately want to remove from my brain. It's the product of ageism and egoism, so rampant in our culture. If I let go and take it easier and slower, I bet ya I'll get there faster. "There" meaning feeling happy and fulfilled, doing what I love to do. Isn't that all I really want anyway? Thinking this way, it becomes very obvious what the nonessentials are.

It's been lovely to feel a momentum building in my life for the last couple of weeks... I've felt like a lot of the personal goals that I've been working towards are starting to materialize, a little bit at a time. Life ahead looks exciting and inviting in a way that it never has before.

I watched a movie last week, The Shift/From Ambition to Meaning, starring Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, and I found it very inspiring. In it he said many things that affected me deeply, but among them was this: you attract what you are. Not what you want.

I've started seeing myself very differently, gradually throughout this year. I keep discovering new strengths as I break through old patterns. Even within the last few weeks, I've noticed that I've been having utterly new experiences and wholly different conversations than before; some with people that I wouldn't have known what to say to, even as recently as last summer.

It is true that changing yourself changes everything around you, because you view it differently. It seems inane to say it, because now it feels like such a no-brainer, but I realize that for most of my life, this has been a foreign concept to me. Now I welcome opportunities to discover things that I could improve or change about myself, because it means I no longer have to try to control or moan about others. Letting go and letting others be who they are is making my life so much easier.

Through these personal changes I have a lot more space and time in my life to work on the things that matter to me. Thus, who I am is becoming a whole lot bigger than who I used to be. In striving to be healthier and happier, rather than trying to just get what I want, I feel like things are falling into place naturally. So, I guess my point tonight is this: I think that Dr. Dyer is on to something...

Muscle memory! Muscle memory seems to be the key to everything!
Practice something enough and it will become a part of you, an acquired ability.
There is an automation that happens with singing and performing for example: I've sung so much, and sung certain lyrics so many times that the body already knows what comes next. It's inbuilt, and I don't have to think about it. If I let go of anxiety, the song will practically sing itself. And within that looseness I can also improvise and add more depth to the whole experience.

There's a joke that a friend of mine tells about a centipede, who, amidst its rapid wiggling suddenly considers what leg 88 is doing and gets all fucked up... I know that feeling of myopic thinking and distraction within an important moment very well,
as it has happened to me many times in the past... But I'm learning that trusting myself can also be learned into muscle memory, and the more I trust myself, the less I'll be thinking about leg 88.

I have always been shy: I've never been comfortable socially, not one to express my opinions in a crowd, for fear of losing the thread of what I'd want to say. I've just thought that this is who I am. Turns out that's not who I am. It's just that being outspoken in social situations is not in my muscle memory, due to my avoidance of speaking. Duh! Well, I am changing this now, as I find that I have a lot to say. Through these new lectures that I'm giving I'm discovering a whole new Janita! One that I didn't realize existed. And I'm sure that as my muscle memory as a courageous outspoken woman grows, I will become even braver.

Fear is a wall that we need to get through. It seems impenetrable until we're on the other side of it. And soon after, a new wall emerges... That just seems to be a fact of life. But knowing that developing muscle memory is the key to doing, well...everything! feels like a relief to me. None of us excel at anything unless we've worked hard at it, and that is good to remember. As beginners, we are not even meant to be competing with the experts. Like Bruce Lee said:

“I fear not the man who has practiced 10000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10000 times.”

Hiyah! Keep kicking.

I've had quite a week! Two nights ago I did perhaps the best show of my life so far, performing my first piano-vocal duo-show together with my keyboard player Alan Markley. Also, a week ago I gave a successful lecture, my first ever, where I debuted two new songs accompanying myself on guitar in front of an audience for the first time.

I've really been pushing through fears and insecurities and expanding my life in these past few weeks... I've been using a machete to hack at all the negative voices in my head that keep telling me that I'll never be able to succeed, that I'll never be able to do the things that I want to do, that I'll never be able to fulfill my dreams, that I will never be able to become who I want to be. I've drowned out so many of these voices already, and yet there is still much more to do. Perhaps it doesn't matter as much anymore where these voices came from--what matters is that they have to go. They're not factual, they're not real, and what's more important: they're not me. What I want to learn now is to make victory laps, to really celebrate my accomplishments instead of feeling guilty about them.

The Finnish culture taught me this:
"Oma kehu haisee." Loosely translated: "Complimenting yourself stinks."
"Vaatimattomuus kaunistaa." Loosely translated: "Modesty makes you prettier."(What??)
"Kell'onni on, se onnen kätkeköön." Loosely translated: "Whoever has happiness, they should hide it."
Having learned to think for myself in recent years, I think all those sayings suck ass. I think complimenting yourself is healthy, confidence makes you prettier, and happiness should be shared.

So, today I choose to concentrate on the progress that I'm making and the victories won through my hard work. It is an old mechanism in me that makes me apologetic after accomplishing great things in my life. I'd much rather keep making myself stronger and stronger through any successes I may have, than grovel out of guilt and a feeling of undeservedness. I do deserve success and happiness! We all do. Our successes are not anyone else's losses, they are simply our frickin' triumphs and a reason for us to be proud and happy for ourselves. Fuck anyone who can't share in our joy or tries to tell us any different.

nur·tur·ance (nûrchr-ns)
n. The providing of loving care and attention.

How utterly important this is for all of us!

All throughout my life, I have been put into anxiety-inducing situations such as live performances and interviews on TV and radio, concerts in front of high-power record label executives, high-level public appearances, with very little nurturance. No one ever taught me to do these things, or even offered me pointers, advice or support. I was just basically pushed onto the stage to do my thing, sink or swim. My first live appearance as an artist was at the age of 13 on one of the biggest live TV-shows in Finland. I do not remember having gotten any words of encouragement, preparation or even a private rehearsal in advance. I was just expected to set aside my nerves and perform, even at that young age. Inevitably, that performance left me with a feeling of sinking rather than swimming, and I hope to never have to watch the damn thing. I don't know that I ever actually have.

This kind of thing leaves scars. It left me with a bad association regarding performing--a feeling of inadequacy and aloneness. Despite the fact that I have developed into a world-class singer and a great performer throughout the years, this feeling of unpeacefulness has lingered.

This week perhaps for the first time I discovered that I don't have to be alone with my trepidations regarding challenges that I face in life. For the first time I received nurturance, support and help with preparation before a new task, and it totally altered the experience for me. This is what I've been missing all my life!

We all need encouragement and soothing, and someone who believes in us. The first time doing anything is challenging, but with the help of a healthy and loving friend, any challenge can be turned into an exciting adventure. The idea is to expand in life, to get through fears and constantly make life more fulfilling... Through nurturance from others we learn to nurture ourselves, and to me that seems to be the key to all the good stuff in life.(!)

I think that artists and freelancers are often envied because of the apparent looseness of their schedules, and the presumed ease with which they go about their business. They seemingly build their lives however they like, and the assumption is that it's all just very bohemian and artsy and cool. Everything about it looks very effortless and chic on the outside. I mean, even I assume this as I observe other artists.

But I trust that any artist who really wants to be serious about their work and their life, has to at some point become pretty structured about it. It can't just be loose and laid-back: we all need to show up, when we tell ourselves we will, and also learn to stop and let go of the work regularly as well. Otherwise, we'll be living with a lot of inner turmoil, with nagging shoulds of one sort or another in the back of our brains, day after day... Unfortunately I know this feeling first-hand.

An artist life that works, probably ends up looking much like a 9 to 5 job. When I have no structure, I end up feeling like I'm working All The Time; and thus exhausted, I'm probably not accomplishing as much. It's a hole I want to climb out of. Now. Also, it is easy to procrastinate, when no one is keeping me in check... It is easy to whittle away the hours, seemingly doing things, while not really accomplishing the stuff that I want to.. but it's got a serious consequence: my goals will not be reached. Yikes!

We all need a breather from our work--some time to grow, time to enjoy life, time to explore... By structuring my life better and creating free time, I believe I'll be a lot happier and more effective too. I feel very excited about this actually! I already see light at the end of the tunnel!

It is a learning process to balance an artist life, but it can be done. It's just not as bohemian and loose as it seems.