Perspective used to be but a fleeting moment for me. One of those random realizations that passes through, where you are suddenly struck by the notion that this is indeed not, a dress rehearsal. I have access to that understanding on a more constant basis now. Perhaps because I seek it out myself.

On my birthday on Tuesday, I went to see Hubble, the IMAX-show at the Museum of Natural History. http://www.amnh.org/calendar/event/Hubble/
Somehow, all that I saw on that big screen of our universe and of our planet, has stayed with me this time. Yes, I get obsessed by minutiae, but at least I have images in my head of what's out there... Flashback-like, as I walk outside and look at the sky... These thoughts and images used to freak the shit out of me, but right now I'm finding them increasingly calming. Through them, I am reminded that I am absolutely responsible for my own life. A thought that has always filled me with dread, now feels empowering.

Seeing our beautiful planet from afar also struck me in another way... (The crazy snow storm we had in New York on Sunday may have strengthened the effect.) It's becoming more and more obvious, how very limited capacity we as people have to cope with a changing climate. !!! Shit needs to start changing. Very fucking quickly. The planet will be ok in the long run. We won't.

We are of no consequence to the universe. But I like to think we are meaningful, and that we have the potential for greatness. I for one am looking forward to making the individual changes needed to preserve the environment. It's all a matter of breaking habits, which is certainly challenging...but totally doable. And possibly exciting at the same time..? Yes!

The following is a passage I saw whilst at the Natural History Museum. I find it appropriate with my thoughts/rant this week. With it, I wish you a wonderful year 2011!

“Treat the Earth well. It was not given to you by your parents. It was loaned to you by your children” Kenyan Proverb

I write this, as I listen to Paul McCartney's Ram On... (And Dear Boy, following!) Oh my God. So beautiful!!! And unfortunately, so short.... *presses repeat*

For everything that I'm thinking or feeling right now, there is a conflicting, opposite emotion happening at the same time. All this year I've come to realize that everything is gray area. "Both are true" is one of the more profound wisdoms I've come to understand through my experiences. Even if I wished everything to be black and white... It makes for a lot of confusion. Argh.

All is slowing down this time of year, including my brain. Being that it's impossible to make sense of anything right now, I declare this "steeping time." I will wait. I will be patient. And in time, the bigger picture will present itself. I don't have to figure out anything today. Just eat. And enjoy the moment with my friends. Confusion and enjoyment can coexist. Both are true. :)

Merry Xmas!!!

I feel very peaceful right now.
This is a new experience for me, as it is not how I used to feel coming back from Finland, my home country.

This time, I was only there for a few days, and I hardly told anyone about my trip. I spent all my time with my family, with whom I am realigning my relationships. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has a tendency of turning twelve, any time they're around their family..? (Funnily enough, a similar thing occurs at school reunions....) The dynamic is so old, and so stagnant, and very restricting... Unless one changes drastically, as I have during this year.

My change seems to affect every relationship I've had, especially the close ones. A person's change requires adjustment from everyone around them... Sometimes I get disappointed, as it is obvious that I am not as enticing to some, as I used to be...
And thus I end up losing friends. But at the same time, I'm attracting and getting to know a wholly new type of person. One that wasn't a part of my previous experience at all.

But in the case of my family--I am not about to lose any of them. On the contrary, I am hoping to build a healthier, stronger relationship with all of them. One where I don't feel the need to revert to a childlike state, in order to fit in. Even in the case of family, there is no need to fit in. One can remain a mature Individual even in that surrounding. (Yes! It is possible!!!) And possibly in the process, end up inspiring positive change in others and a new natural flow of things.

This is what I learned this week. And honestly, it is one of the biggest lessons I've learned this whole year. Though in the end I know that this peace I feel, is hard-earned. All the pieces of the puzzle so far, were required, for me to now see what I see.

People can do many vicious things unconsciously. The motivation behind these acts are horrific sometimes... It makes one wonder--how can the doer not be aware of them? How do they continue running away from/denying their dark side, when they are causing so much pain around them? How do they not see this? How do they not see the consequences of their actions?

This week I have been trying my hand at forgiveness. Not for their sake, but for mine. I don't want to be carrying this shit around, as it does me no good. And actually, it hurts me. So, I googled how to forgive. Apparently you can google anything. hehe. http://www.wikihow.com/Forgive
I have to say that I feel a lot better, if I concentrate on my life in the here and now, and going forward, as opposed to spending all my energy on hate.

This is the essence of what I learned: "The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."Guess which category I'm going to place myself in.

I dreamed last night that I was having a drink at a bar, whilst telling someone that I haven't been drinking for 10 months. To which I added, "but you know, I'll have a drink every now and then, with friends." The first part is actually true.

I was pretty traumatized by this dream, because it reminded me of a certain peer pressure I used to feel. How I'd do most things in my life, just to please others. I was horrified that I'd succumbed to it, once again. My biggest fear in life, at this point, is that somehow I end up losing myself again. After all this hard work that I've done to put myself together, to become independent and strong...that I was to lose it all? I will not allow that to happen! (Even though unfortunately it frequently happens in my dreams. The wound is very deep.)

It's like Frodo, in the Lord of The Rings...having been stabbed by the Nazgul. (hehe...I watched a marathon this week...) That shit never goes away. Those wounds are a part of you, and they color your view on life, people, the world. That, I suppose, is part of what makes us unique: we all have different wounds. Perhaps they are to serve as good reminders not to make the same mistake three times.

I think that most of us are brought up to believe that it is important to please others, to be agreeable. Many of us have the illusion that it is more important to make friends with others, than it is to make friends with ourselves. Well, I certainly bought into that brainwash for most of my life, and gradually forgot who I was.

For many years, I thought I was a party-girl. Now, having gotten to know myself better, I realize that in truth I am a bit of a loner. I am very selective these days when it comes to friends. I must be able to be sober and still have a good time with the people that I'm with. Rarer than one would think, that.

Parties like Thanksgiving remind me that life is too short to be spent around people I don't really care about. Why waste time? Why not concentrate on the people who I love, people who support me, people who inspire me, and people who think of me as an equal? I don't want to spend my time biting my tongue, holding back punches, enduring the company of others. The kung fu in this situation is avoidance. Why put myself into situations that I don't enjoy?

I care less and less about what others think about me, and thus am becoming more and more true to myself. There are some in this world who will find me more appealing because of this, and many others, who will have the opposite response. Needless to say, I will be concentrating on spending my time with those who get me. And those who don't? Fuck em.

There is very little I have power over; very few things I can control. (arghhh!!!)
This is becoming increasingly clear to me. While it is initially a disappointing realization, perhaps I will learn to, from now on, concentrate on those very few things that I in fact can...control/change/affect. Makes more sense, doesn't it?

Though I am not a conventional believer, there is much wisdom in this prayer.
My favorite line in it: "...as it is, not as I would have it."

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr