I just came from a walk (attempted run) in Prospect Park. This was an outing designed to lift me up from a slump I've been in all week...alas, to no avail. Despite seeing turtle (!) and chipmunk.
Ok, now I'm smiling a little.

I decided it is not my duty to write a positive, uplifting blog, unless I'm really feeling it. Right now, I'm not. I am out of sorts and so be it.

Within my slump I am writing. A beautiful melody keeps playing in my head, about to turn into a song stained with, so far, at least one dirty word. Does an artist get a "parental advisory explicit lyrics"-sign for saying the word 'prick'? I hope so. It would be quite exciting.

Come to my gig next week, yo. I think I'll play a new song. That one's just a little dirty too. :)

People,

Today I experienced true empathy for the first time! Crazy, right?
It makes me sound like a hard-ass bitch or a narcissist, doesn't it? That would not be the right assessment though. I am 31 years old and I've lived up until now thinking that empathy is putting oneself in the other person's shoes. I have to say--I think I've been wrong...

I have cried listening to people's stories, cried watching heart-breaking movies and TV-shows, but I've always been putting myself in everyone else's place and feeling for them through myself. Today, for the first time, I was able to see the person I was listening to, envision their life, their view of the world, their thoughts and experiences (as much as I can and know) and just be moved by their experience. Not my own. Trust me, it's a different thing. (Or perhaps you already know...)

I walked into the street right after, remembering all the stories that my friends and family have told me and just wanting to cry for all of them. For them! Not myself, in their shoes. How different all those stories looked and sounded to me, all of a sudden.
I can't believe that I haven't understood this before!

I like that I'm becoming a real softy....and yet at the same time, that I'm tougher than I've ever been. (I'm learning to throw punches and rip people's eyes out, in class!) I like that it all gets balanced as you keep going with the flow....
That you become...whole?

I am such a recluse these days! But it's a good thing. Alone time is the most healing thing in the world; provided you've rummaged through your closets, know what's there, and have made/are making peace with it. I feel like I'm finally doing it. Lately, I've been willing to look each demon, that I've encountered, straight in the eye. I have researched them on the internet (ha!) and am in the process of taking their power away. It's a whack-a-mole-fest! And I'm feeling righteous anger too, which is a most liberating thing, motherfuckerrrrsssss!!
Although I sing about running away from emotions, I have to say I strongly advocate not doing that. Believe you me, I speak from experience.

Life used to be so very confusing to me. A veil is lifting, day by day by day. A new world is being revealed. I am like Neo in The Matrix. Muscle atrophy and all, unfortunately... :)

I had my very first listening party this week, which is crazy, being that I've already released 7 albums in my life (!). This was a lovely, very intimate get together with friends; we listened through, commented, and discussed the music. A very healing experience for me.
Somehow, I've felt very alone with this album up till now. It's been a project, through which I've fought for my personal artistic liberation. A lot about this album has felt heavy to me, including the name Haunted. Now I see it differently. I see that it's very honest to where I have been in my life, and that I should be proud of it. And I am, finally.

I now see too, that everything else that I've done in music so far, has been honest to where I've been in my life. Even in the times where I've been guided by someone else's musical vision. In those times, I just haven't been confident enough or strong-willed enough to push my own. I can accept that now. The reasons why are losing their importance to me. It is good to be aware of the past, but not to carry it as a burden.

It's interesting how people go through life not recognizing their emotions. Someone can tell you: "You obviously have a lot of anger in you.." And you yourself will have no clue. Well, I'm starting to recognize what I'm feeling. Positive emotions aside, negative feelings don't apparently all go under the umbrella of depression/anxiety. Whoa! What a revelation! You can sort through the shit and understand yourself. There are colors and shades of emotion and they are all fascinating. All of it is part of the human existence and should be enjoyed for what it is. I am learning.

Man! Life is good! Just like it is.
I don't think I've ever felt as liberated in this world, as I do right now. I am becoming more and more aware of the many different types of brainwashing that I have undergone in my life and am working to undo the damage. My whole perspective on everything is changing due to a book (Awareness by Anthony DeMello) I read last week, and have reread since. I will rant and rave about it to anyone who will listen.

Due to my new revelations, I have started writing new songs. I was having a creative drought for a long time and started doubting whether I was actually any good at songwriting. Honestly, does it matter? I love doing it. Who's the judge of whether it's good or not? The minute I didn't care anymore (about other people's thoughts and my own brainwash), is when it just started happening naturally. And fyi, these are not pretty songs. Life is not "pretty", even though in the earlier paragraph I said it was good. In my opinion, I would be manipulating both myself and you if I just made pretty songs. If I write about life and myself honestly, it is bound to be both fucked up and beautiful at the same time.

This week has been eye-opener, quite literally. So much self-exploration; some people might even call it unhealthy. I say, who cares. I like to dive into things.

I got sick with a cold and had to find a way to deal with my stir-craziness, so I picked up a book by Anthony DeMello, called Awareness. Mind you, I'd been trying to read this book some years ago, but then thought it a bunch of psycho-babble and mumbo-jumbo.
Now, I found it utterly compelling! It is funny how one changes. The same book/music/art piece can have so much more meaning for you, depending what's going on in your life or your level of awareness.

I've gradually found that true awareness is the only way I'll ever find balance and peace.
Though I know that balance in life is a constant struggle, it doesn't hurt to have all the tools you can gather, to work with.

Life is fragile and anything could--and will happen--at any moment, (as I witnessed yesterday, helping out a lady, whose foot had been run over by a cab....ouch.)
This is how it is--the bittersweet beauty of it. Enjoy every beautiful moment of it!

Hey there,

I hope you are enjoying my new website!
I am thrilled
a) about spring!
b) about signing a record deal with NY label Engine Company Records this Monday, April 12th.
This means I will finally be releasing my new album Haunted worldwide on July 27th, 2010!

What a journey making this album has been! I have lived through the hardest years of my life while completing this record... which I'm sure can be heard in the darker tone of the music overall, compared to my earlier work. I have moved into more alternative territory and feel at home there musically. Now I can express an aggressive side that I've always had within.
I hope that my old listeners will grow with me as I grow into my own. In addition to that, I hope to find many more listeners around the world!

In a lot of ways I now feel stronger than ever and my music has no choice but to express it.
I suppose it is not just a cliche that most growth happens during adversity...
You'll be hearing a lot of my personal struggles on Haunted, and within the songs I write in the future. I am the type to cope with life's injustices, tough realisations, hate and disappointments by putting them into my music. Quite literally even.... Yet I can't help it that hope always glimmers on the bottom of it all. It is the way I'm wired, thank God. Maybe one day it will rise to the top?

Life continues to feel just a wee bit scary to me... but I have decided that that will not stop me from boldly going after my dreams. I hope you will join me on this journey. Feel free to write to me your comments and thoughts. I answer as much as I can. I will also be updating this site weekly, so keep checking in here and there...

I wish you love and success in this year! Let's keep growing and evolving. We are changing whether we like it or not, so we might as well make the best of it!

Love,

Janita