Never before has it been so clear to me how much power I have over my own thoughts...that the way I see the world and myself is ultimately in my own control. Famous thinkers and writers have always said this and on some level I've always thought that it's bullshit. Wouldn't I be a more positive, relaxed person if I had the choice?

I've always felt very much the victim of whatever has been going on in my life, and whatever thought sequence has come about. What I hadn't fully understood before is that I can't hope to change my thoughts around just like that in one given moment. The way we think is a matter of consistency--it's a long-term process. If I've been cultivating a foundation of negativity in my mind for days and weeks, months and years, I can be sure that one positive (i.e. accurate) thought that I try to force on myself will not take root. It will be a useless struggle, as my mind will only be fertile ground for negativity. If instead I consistently cultivate a foundation of positive thinking, productive and nourishing thoughts ensue naturally.

Initially though, changing one's negative habit of thinking is hard work. Really hard work. I know this first-hand. Changing our thoughts seems to go against everything we are. The way we think is a product of everything that we've experienced in our lives: the influence of the people who brought us up, our peers, culture, media... In some ways, it can seem like the only constant in our lives; as if it's our identity. But, I think that we can't become who we truly are meant to be until we free our minds of negative programming.

Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Spoon boy: There is no spoon.
Neo: There is no spoon?
Spoon boy: Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.

--The Matrix

Reality truly is what we make it.

Within the last few years I have come to realize that I am a very driven, even passionate and intense person. This ends up working against me sometimes, because in my excitement to accomplish great things and to push myself further, I forget to tune into how I am feeling. I forget to take time to just be and to relax, and end up finding myself high-strung, with a cluttered mind.

As I checked in with myself tonight, I was surprised to find the answer to my troubles so simple: I'm tired. I need time to process all these things that are happening in my life... What a lesson! The answers are often so plain...it takes real effort to see what is in front of our eyes.

There are many beautiful quotes that I would like to share with you on this subject, but I resolve to leave you with two. With them I wish you a wonderful, relaxing weekend!

"Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are." -Chinese Proverb

"When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere." -Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680)

These days, I notice that as I get more rooted in facts and reality and more together within myself, it tends to affect my surroundings in a big way. Not only in the neat versus messy sense--it carries on into everything: relationships, family, my address book, (!)... Everything becomes cleaner and clearer... a slow process though it is. It feels like it's impossible to have health in one area and not in the other, as everything is connected and carries on into the other. I've noticed that if I really want to feel whole and content, all areas of my life have to be addressed and healed, little by little, one at a time. Once the process starts, it tends to progress naturally....

As I look back on my life from where I'm at right now, and see it all through my new operating system, I can't help but cringe at so much of what came to pass. Painful memories that seemed like normal life at the time, and I didn't think twice of it. It is only later, through health, that we come to understand the truth about our lives. And I still have so much to discover...

Judging by my surroundings and my relationships, I'm definitely moving in the right direction. Much is still to be addressed, but I'm beginning to enjoy the process, more and more all the time. Sometimes the pain flows in like a wave, but if I don't hold on to it, it flows back out to where it came from. A feeling will pass, but facts remain. And feelings are not facts. Thank God. The fact is I'm in a better place than I've ever been.

I am supremely motivated right now by this new book that I'm reading: The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. There is excitement coursing through my veins as I write this, and I can't wait to do my creative work today..!

The book itself is a swift kick in the butt for artists and creatives (although I do believe that all of us are born creative beings in one field or another...). It encourages us procrastinators to put ourselves on the line, to do the work and to finish the work, so as not to "cheat the world of our contribution." Procrastination is certainly a challenge of mine... Granted, I'm working very hard every day on a number of fields in my life. It is just that sometimes, in the midst of all this technological distraction (=the internet) we as human beings are surrounded by at all times today, it is a great challenge to get oneself to actually commit to doing one's creative work consistently. The internet being one of the many excuses here....

The War of Art helps me understand the many ways that we become obstacles to ourselves--the many forms that resistance takes in order to thwart us from doing our work... It is a relief to know that I am not the only one battling these specific demons, and that there are even books created on the subject of wrestling them down.

Mr. Pressfield says that the more you care about something, the more resistance you will have towards it. I actually find this soothing, because it rings so true in many areas of my life. The hard part is that this is a war that has to be fought on a daily basis within oneself.. Don't I know it.

But today, I got my gear on. Today I'm ready to be the warrior that I wish to be. Tomorrow is surely another battle, but luckily we only have to win these fights one at a time...

I'm feeling very expansive right now. My comfort zone is widening at a fast rate, as a result of putting myself in novel situations on a day-to-day basis through my work. I'm meeting new people, speaking publicly and reaching out to business contacts I didn't know from before... In the process I've learned to be more forgiving of myself when I don't master everything straight away--if I get flustered and it shows. Now that I'm not contemplating my own navel all the time, I'm freer to observe others more accurately... And through observation I have come to notice, that most other people get quite nervous too in these situations..! I must say, that feels quite calming to me: I am not alone in my awkwardness!

A person that I respect very much talked to me this week about the concept of 'progress, not perfection.' When it comes to pretty much anything in life, like developing a new skill or a friendship, building a career, healing from trauma or illness--it all takes immense amounts of effort and an extended amount of time. I often get very impatient after having made a significant change in my life, thinking that this one change is supposed to impact every area of my existence Immediately... But I have come to realize that that's not how it goes. It looks to me like there are no overnight fixes to anything; no shortcuts.

But progress sounds to me like a way funner way to go through life anyway, than striving for perfection. No one is superhuman, and truthfully, no one expects us to be. Mistakes, setbacks and embarrassments happen to everyone and it's totally cool. There's always a next time, and a next time and a next time.....Doing something consistently is key. Progress then, is inevitable.

A strong theme in my life right now is finding a sense of security. I want to trust that I am safe within myself and that I am no longer my own worst enemy, come what may. I no longer wish to be my own worst critic either. What's the point of it, I ask you..? To make oneself feel shitty and unworthy? ...Why? Certainly there are gentler ways to improve oneself...

I used to be (and still at times am) a tortured soul, but it is only because I torture(d) myself. The way I see it now is that life is too short to be stuck in such negative thought-patterns. That sort of heaviness is too much to carry alone, and typically gets dumped on other people...

A friend of mine raised a good point this week by stating the general wish to be needed less and enjoyed more. I think that is probably what most of us want from our lives: to come together for enjoyment, instead of unloading. Or worse--for being the one unloaded on. Sharing is a different thing all together.

So, I'm making an effort to be my own best friend. To find the reasons behind any bad vibes throughout the day, noticing their patterns and in the process unraveling them, on my own. Look ma, no hands!
I wish to need people less and to enjoy them more; to stand unsupported on my own two feet, if not at all times, then at least 90% of the time. That would be sweet.

Every now and then in my life these days I hit a wall of fear, that seems impossible to get through. An old painful memory from the past tries to convince me that I'm not strong enough to tackle a new obstacle, saying that "because I wasn't strong enough then, I won't be strong enough now."

But what choice do we have in this world, except to go through that wall? Stay stuck? Hell no. In my experience, the pain of that is way worse than the pain of facing the fear. I certainly have spent enough of my life staring at the wall, wishing that I had the drive and the courage that I perceived other people had...

Right now I'm facing one of my thickest walls of fear, as this one's been accumulating girth for many years. A place of repeated injury... And yet I know, having passed through similar walls before, that this is not an impossible task. You take one step, then another--fearfully yet bravely until you get to the other side. It's ok to feel scared...as long as you do it anyway. I'm gonna frickin' do it anyway.

I love Mark Twain.

"Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain."
- Mark Twain