I'm feeling very expansive right now. My comfort zone is widening at a fast rate, as a result of putting myself in novel situations on a day-to-day basis through my work. I'm meeting new people, speaking publicly and reaching out to business contacts I didn't know from before... In the process I've learned to be more forgiving of myself when I don't master everything straight away--if I get flustered and it shows. Now that I'm not contemplating my own navel all the time, I'm freer to observe others more accurately... And through observation I have come to notice, that most other people get quite nervous too in these situations..! I must say, that feels quite calming to me: I am not alone in my awkwardness!

A person that I respect very much talked to me this week about the concept of 'progress, not perfection.' When it comes to pretty much anything in life, like developing a new skill or a friendship, building a career, healing from trauma or illness--it all takes immense amounts of effort and an extended amount of time. I often get very impatient after having made a significant change in my life, thinking that this one change is supposed to impact every area of my existence Immediately... But I have come to realize that that's not how it goes. It looks to me like there are no overnight fixes to anything; no shortcuts.

But progress sounds to me like a way funner way to go through life anyway, than striving for perfection. No one is superhuman, and truthfully, no one expects us to be. Mistakes, setbacks and embarrassments happen to everyone and it's totally cool. There's always a next time, and a next time and a next time.....Doing something consistently is key. Progress then, is inevitable.

A strong theme in my life right now is finding a sense of security. I want to trust that I am safe within myself and that I am no longer my own worst enemy, come what may. I no longer wish to be my own worst critic either. What's the point of it, I ask you..? To make oneself feel shitty and unworthy? ...Why? Certainly there are gentler ways to improve oneself...

I used to be (and still at times am) a tortured soul, but it is only because I torture(d) myself. The way I see it now is that life is too short to be stuck in such negative thought-patterns. That sort of heaviness is too much to carry alone, and typically gets dumped on other people...

A friend of mine raised a good point this week by stating the general wish to be needed less and enjoyed more. I think that is probably what most of us want from our lives: to come together for enjoyment, instead of unloading. Or worse--for being the one unloaded on. Sharing is a different thing all together.

So, I'm making an effort to be my own best friend. To find the reasons behind any bad vibes throughout the day, noticing their patterns and in the process unraveling them, on my own. Look ma, no hands!
I wish to need people less and to enjoy them more; to stand unsupported on my own two feet, if not at all times, then at least 90% of the time. That would be sweet.

Every now and then in my life these days I hit a wall of fear, that seems impossible to get through. An old painful memory from the past tries to convince me that I'm not strong enough to tackle a new obstacle, saying that "because I wasn't strong enough then, I won't be strong enough now."

But what choice do we have in this world, except to go through that wall? Stay stuck? Hell no. In my experience, the pain of that is way worse than the pain of facing the fear. I certainly have spent enough of my life staring at the wall, wishing that I had the drive and the courage that I perceived other people had...

Right now I'm facing one of my thickest walls of fear, as this one's been accumulating girth for many years. A place of repeated injury... And yet I know, having passed through similar walls before, that this is not an impossible task. You take one step, then another--fearfully yet bravely until you get to the other side. It's ok to feel scared...as long as you do it anyway. I'm gonna frickin' do it anyway.

I love Mark Twain.

"Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain."
- Mark Twain

I like routines! I'm building more and more of them into my life right now, all of them conscious steps towards the direction of my choosing...

I'm understanding more and more about myself too, through two children that I love dearly and interact with weekly. Realizing how important it is for them to receive a call from me on a specific day makes me reflect on how significant routines and consistency are for us people in general. We are not so different as adults than we were as children. (And truly, children are not so different from us adults....)

I'm embracing my inner child now. I'm enjoying creating a feeling of safety within my currently rapidly expanding life. After years of living an irregular existence: partying, staying up late, etc., I love the thought of waking up at the same early hour every morning. How very un-rock and roll of me! Well, I don't care a shit about what's rock and roll anymore... I just want to live a good life and make something out of it. And I like having more hours in the day to do things that I feel passionate about.

“A child reminds us that playtime is an essential part of our daily routine.” -Anonymous

I'm learning to listen.
Man, that shit is hard!
Even if I concentrate with all my might, it's hard for me to shut up with my advice and coaxing. I guess the rule is that if people don't ask for advice, none is to be given... But goddammit, it slips in there anyway, more often than I'd care to admit.

It's not that I feel like I have all the answers, but it's hard to watch from the sidelines sometimes when people close to me struggle with their problems.... A situation that could so easily be turned around by just a few changes.... But alas, there are things in this life I have no power over... I truly cannot change anyone else's life but my own.

So, I'll listen. I know from my own experience that given a chance to talk, sometimes I end up figuring out the answers to my problems myself. And truly, people fix their problems once they're ready to fix them. If, in some cases they never are ready, fuck it, I'll accept that too. It's about time I concentrate on my own shit and stop carrying everyone else's. It's not my job. Never was. Freedom.

"We are what we repeatedly do, excellence then is not an act, but a habit." — Aristotle

This week went by faster than any week that I can remember within my adult life.
I can hardly believe it's Friday already! My life has started filling up with all kinds of interesting activities, thoughts and projects, and above all--new connections. My isolation-period is definitely over.

For me, getting to know myself within the last couple of years has meant spending a lot of time on my own. I kept only a handful of chosen people close to me and distanced myself from everyone else. This is because I needed to at long last figure out what it is that I really think and feel, what my interests are, what kind of person I want to be in the future. I let others make those decisions for me for the longest time...

Now, I am finally secure enough in myself to go out there and meet new people and network, to make new friends and connections. I'm not scared that I'll somehow morph into thinking how they think or acquiesce to their vision of what I should be doing. (Trust me, random people often tell me what it is I should be doing as an artist. I think that this kind of thing is probably the bane of every artist's existence.)

So, I feel really good. A little scared of the unknown but good. I'm out there in the world interacting for the first time as the person that I've made myself into in the last few years, and I'm pretty frickin' proud of her. She's come a long way.

As I write this I am high on some toxic, recently-applied-floor-wax fumes I've been inhaling at the gym over the last couple of days. Man, that shit takes a toll! I am dizzy and nauseous and tired beyond belief... This is definitely not a good high. I have lots on my mind besides this, but am feeling so utterly run down by toxic pollutants that I had to share some of my thoughts and a couple of links on the subject.

I personally became aware of the poisons that we are surrounded by and ingest on a day-to-day basis in the end of 2010.. Before then it had never even occurred to me that I should be suspicious of my shampoo, moisturizer or the cube of vegetable stock that I used regularly. The truth is that toxic chemicals are lurking in the majority of products that are being sold today. We artfully apply them into our hair, on our faces, on and into our bodies... Bottles and bottles filled with unpronounceable ingredients are lined up on the shelves of pharmacies and grocery stores...We're all so used to it we don't even question it.

It is horrible to realize that most people are as oblivious to the hazards of these products as I was so very recently. Once I became aware of these poisons, I actually went through the labels of all my household products and found that pretty much all of my cleaning stuff, cosmetics and even food was loaded with really nasty ingredients. I've been trying to steer clear of these chemicals ever since and buy things that are as non-toxic as possible.

But clearly, even with diligent research it's impossible to avoid poisons all together as they are everywhere, my floor-wax stupor a case in point. Even so, below are a couple of links to check in case you are interested and haven't seen or heard this information yet. Every little bit that we do helps the bigger picture, I'm sure.
Here's to hoping that one day the norm will be to opt for non-toxic floor-wax instead of this brain-irritating bullshit.

http://www.storyofstuff.org/movies-all/story-of-cosmetics/
http://ewg.org/