Much on my mind.... I'm seeing the connectedness in so many things I didn't realize were connected before. Truth is, everything is. I've been going through a brain-revolution this week. I don't look at anything (or anyone) quite the same way anymore. At the risk of alienating my reader, I'm just gonna get this out of my system. It feels important.

I've been watching renowned astronomer and author Carl Sagan's Cosmos-series this week; educating myself on the universe, Earth, space travel, time travel and U-man beings (as Mr. Sagan would say...hehe...). Beyond exciting, beyond fascinating! All these prospects of discovery of new worlds and new life, of ourselves..... I have so much belief in our capacities--how far we could stretch and evolve, if we give ourselves the chance. How far we have already come! If we do not destroy ourselves, we will be able to travel to the stars. (!!!) I believe this species has what it takes to become Highly Evolved. We are discoverers, adventurers by heart--not warmongers!

Here comes the wild connection. There are those amongst us (1 in 25 people), who have no conscience--towards other people, or towards Earth itself. This is fact. I have been very blind to this all my life, and always assumed the best about everyone. I've tried my hardest to explain away the evil behavior of certain people close to me, thinking that there must a reason, an explanation. I have learned this week, that the explanation in some cases is that they actually don't have feelings, the way the rest of us do. (Suggested reading: The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout)

Because it is so hard to spot these characters, the safest thing to do, is to learn to use one's reasoning skills. To know oneself thoroughly, so as not to be swayed by manipulation. To question authority when needed, as you never know, who's running the show. We need to learn to do this individually, and as a whole. We can't afford to be intimidated--to have some sociopath tell us that there's no global warming for example, and to keep consuming as we are doing. It's serving their individual purposes, not us U-man beings as a whole. Those of us lucky enough to have been blessed with a conscience--need to think for ourselves, feel for ourselves and take responsibility, more than ever before.

People without a conscience, left unchecked, have the capacity to destroy us all. I vote for reason, courage and heart. Seriously, I just want to see us build a really fucking cool spaceship.

I got very excited about New Year this time around. I got this crazy spurt of energy and decided to change my life completely. Hehe.... I was gonna be extra-organized, extra-diligent, extra-motivated, extra-fast, extra-everything... I was trying to reach a goal that is simply unattainable: some sort of Perfection in my life. The irony is, that within a week of me being all extra-effective, I have totally overdone it. I didn't give myself enough time to steep and think and appreciate all that I had accomplished. Now I'm feeling fried and frustrated, and very high-strung. There's no life in all that hectic running around and achieving. There's no creativity. There's just anxiety, and I'm just about done with that, thank you very much.

So, I think there's one more resolution I should make for the New Year. I am to be more compassionate towards myself--allowing myself enough time to center myself, to listen to how I'm feeling, what I am thinking... not just press on mindlessly.

I think the trouble with most of us, especially here in the States, is that we don't have enough examples of a balanced life. We are constantly bombarded with the message, that we are to work hard and make lots of money and buy shit. That's why we have to work doubly hard at reminding ourselves of what really matters....

Well. I opt for sanity. I opt for health and I opt for balance. I bet you I'll be more effective in the long run if I learn to pace myself. Fuck perfection.

Perspective used to be but a fleeting moment for me. One of those random realizations that passes through, where you are suddenly struck by the notion that this is indeed not, a dress rehearsal. I have access to that understanding on a more constant basis now. Perhaps because I seek it out myself.

On my birthday on Tuesday, I went to see Hubble, the IMAX-show at the Museum of Natural History. http://www.amnh.org/calendar/event/Hubble/
Somehow, all that I saw on that big screen of our universe and of our planet, has stayed with me this time. Yes, I get obsessed by minutiae, but at least I have images in my head of what's out there... Flashback-like, as I walk outside and look at the sky... These thoughts and images used to freak the shit out of me, but right now I'm finding them increasingly calming. Through them, I am reminded that I am absolutely responsible for my own life. A thought that has always filled me with dread, now feels empowering.

Seeing our beautiful planet from afar also struck me in another way... (The crazy snow storm we had in New York on Sunday may have strengthened the effect.) It's becoming more and more obvious, how very limited capacity we as people have to cope with a changing climate. !!! Shit needs to start changing. Very fucking quickly. The planet will be ok in the long run. We won't.

We are of no consequence to the universe. But I like to think we are meaningful, and that we have the potential for greatness. I for one am looking forward to making the individual changes needed to preserve the environment. It's all a matter of breaking habits, which is certainly challenging...but totally doable. And possibly exciting at the same time..? Yes!

The following is a passage I saw whilst at the Natural History Museum. I find it appropriate with my thoughts/rant this week. With it, I wish you a wonderful year 2011!

“Treat the Earth well. It was not given to you by your parents. It was loaned to you by your children” Kenyan Proverb

I write this, as I listen to Paul McCartney's Ram On... (And Dear Boy, following!) Oh my God. So beautiful!!! And unfortunately, so short.... *presses repeat*

For everything that I'm thinking or feeling right now, there is a conflicting, opposite emotion happening at the same time. All this year I've come to realize that everything is gray area. "Both are true" is one of the more profound wisdoms I've come to understand through my experiences. Even if I wished everything to be black and white... It makes for a lot of confusion. Argh.

All is slowing down this time of year, including my brain. Being that it's impossible to make sense of anything right now, I declare this "steeping time." I will wait. I will be patient. And in time, the bigger picture will present itself. I don't have to figure out anything today. Just eat. And enjoy the moment with my friends. Confusion and enjoyment can coexist. Both are true. :)

Merry Xmas!!!

I feel very peaceful right now.
This is a new experience for me, as it is not how I used to feel coming back from Finland, my home country.

This time, I was only there for a few days, and I hardly told anyone about my trip. I spent all my time with my family, with whom I am realigning my relationships. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has a tendency of turning twelve, any time they're around their family..? (Funnily enough, a similar thing occurs at school reunions....) The dynamic is so old, and so stagnant, and very restricting... Unless one changes drastically, as I have during this year.

My change seems to affect every relationship I've had, especially the close ones. A person's change requires adjustment from everyone around them... Sometimes I get disappointed, as it is obvious that I am not as enticing to some, as I used to be...
And thus I end up losing friends. But at the same time, I'm attracting and getting to know a wholly new type of person. One that wasn't a part of my previous experience at all.

But in the case of my family--I am not about to lose any of them. On the contrary, I am hoping to build a healthier, stronger relationship with all of them. One where I don't feel the need to revert to a childlike state, in order to fit in. Even in the case of family, there is no need to fit in. One can remain a mature Individual even in that surrounding. (Yes! It is possible!!!) And possibly in the process, end up inspiring positive change in others and a new natural flow of things.

This is what I learned this week. And honestly, it is one of the biggest lessons I've learned this whole year. Though in the end I know that this peace I feel, is hard-earned. All the pieces of the puzzle so far, were required, for me to now see what I see.

People can do many vicious things unconsciously. The motivation behind these acts are horrific sometimes... It makes one wonder--how can the doer not be aware of them? How do they continue running away from/denying their dark side, when they are causing so much pain around them? How do they not see this? How do they not see the consequences of their actions?

This week I have been trying my hand at forgiveness. Not for their sake, but for mine. I don't want to be carrying this shit around, as it does me no good. And actually, it hurts me. So, I googled how to forgive. Apparently you can google anything. hehe. http://www.wikihow.com/Forgive
I have to say that I feel a lot better, if I concentrate on my life in the here and now, and going forward, as opposed to spending all my energy on hate.

This is the essence of what I learned: "The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."Guess which category I'm going to place myself in.

I dreamed last night that I was having a drink at a bar, whilst telling someone that I haven't been drinking for 10 months. To which I added, "but you know, I'll have a drink every now and then, with friends." The first part is actually true.

I was pretty traumatized by this dream, because it reminded me of a certain peer pressure I used to feel. How I'd do most things in my life, just to please others. I was horrified that I'd succumbed to it, once again. My biggest fear in life, at this point, is that somehow I end up losing myself again. After all this hard work that I've done to put myself together, to become independent and strong...that I was to lose it all? I will not allow that to happen! (Even though unfortunately it frequently happens in my dreams. The wound is very deep.)

It's like Frodo, in the Lord of The Rings...having been stabbed by the Nazgul. (hehe...I watched a marathon this week...) That shit never goes away. Those wounds are a part of you, and they color your view on life, people, the world. That, I suppose, is part of what makes us unique: we all have different wounds. Perhaps they are to serve as good reminders not to make the same mistake three times.