I dreamed last night that I was having a drink at a bar, whilst telling someone that I haven't been drinking for 10 months. To which I added, "but you know, I'll have a drink every now and then, with friends." The first part is actually true.

I was pretty traumatized by this dream, because it reminded me of a certain peer pressure I used to feel. How I'd do most things in my life, just to please others. I was horrified that I'd succumbed to it, once again. My biggest fear in life, at this point, is that somehow I end up losing myself again. After all this hard work that I've done to put myself together, to become independent and strong...that I was to lose it all? I will not allow that to happen! (Even though unfortunately it frequently happens in my dreams. The wound is very deep.)

It's like Frodo, in the Lord of The Rings...having been stabbed by the Nazgul. (hehe...I watched a marathon this week...) That shit never goes away. Those wounds are a part of you, and they color your view on life, people, the world. That, I suppose, is part of what makes us unique: we all have different wounds. Perhaps they are to serve as good reminders not to make the same mistake three times.

I think that most of us are brought up to believe that it is important to please others, to be agreeable. Many of us have the illusion that it is more important to make friends with others, than it is to make friends with ourselves. Well, I certainly bought into that brainwash for most of my life, and gradually forgot who I was.

For many years, I thought I was a party-girl. Now, having gotten to know myself better, I realize that in truth I am a bit of a loner. I am very selective these days when it comes to friends. I must be able to be sober and still have a good time with the people that I'm with. Rarer than one would think, that.

Parties like Thanksgiving remind me that life is too short to be spent around people I don't really care about. Why waste time? Why not concentrate on the people who I love, people who support me, people who inspire me, and people who think of me as an equal? I don't want to spend my time biting my tongue, holding back punches, enduring the company of others. The kung fu in this situation is avoidance. Why put myself into situations that I don't enjoy?

I care less and less about what others think about me, and thus am becoming more and more true to myself. There are some in this world who will find me more appealing because of this, and many others, who will have the opposite response. Needless to say, I will be concentrating on spending my time with those who get me. And those who don't? Fuck em.

There is very little I have power over; very few things I can control. (arghhh!!!)
This is becoming increasingly clear to me. While it is initially a disappointing realization, perhaps I will learn to, from now on, concentrate on those very few things that I in fact can...control/change/affect. Makes more sense, doesn't it?

Though I am not a conventional believer, there is much wisdom in this prayer.
My favorite line in it: "...as it is, not as I would have it."

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I have never experienced fall with this poignancy before. I have in the past considered myself a "fall-person", and have always looked forward to it, but this year I was actually sad to see summer go... In the recent weeks, I have, more than once, found myself haunted by ghosts of my past on the streets of New York.. And partly due to season, I have also become painfully aware of the fleeting nature of things. Of life itself.

And yet, this is as important a part of the life cycle as any other. Shit needs to die before it can rejuvenate again. (I prefer not to get too poetic about this...) Change is constant, change is inevitable. I can't believe how many years I tried to fight against a natural change that should have been happening in me all along. We can do that, sure! We can resist change, thinking that doing so will benefit the people close to us. Truth is, it doesn't. Preventing your own change and growth, or somebody else's, is really fucking unhealthy, and will bite you in the ass sooner or later.

I end with a more eloquently written quote I received from my friend today:
"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." -William Somerset Maugham, writer (1874-1965)

Healing (mentally, physically, spiritually) is a strange and peculiar business... It never seems to be a straight road. It's not a process where you go up and up and up, towards more success every day. Instead it's two steps forward and one step back. (And usually, that one step back feels more like 4 steps back...)

Healing is hard work. And unfortunately no one else can do it for us--it is our own responsibility. One has to really make an effort to be patient with oneself in the process, cause it's so frickin' challenging (and frustrating!). Sometimes the things we are handed seem like just a little too much to handle. But there's beauty in the struggle; a beauty that can be seen very clearly after making it through the worst bit. It is when we are pushed to our limits, that we end up growing the most.
And we get by with a little help from our friends.... :)

The inevitable side-product of plugging myself in and finally understanding myself, is that I'm also plugging myself into my surroundings. Now, without a thick layer of anxiety shielding me from the world, and from reality, I am able to grasp the truth of what's going on within myself, in social situations, in society, culturally, environmentally....

It is interesting how much knowledge we as people can gather, without actually absorbing it... Knowing how wasteful we are and how it's impacting the environment, and yet not making any changes within our own lives. This is because in addition to ignoring our surroundings, we have grown to ignore what's going on in our bodies as well. If we are not able to listen to and understand ourselves, how are we to see the world for what it truly is?

We are so busy conforming to the rules of society, fitting the mold, keeping with the fashion, saying the right things, doing the right things, making money, meeting the right people, making the right connections, getting ahead, showing off... Imagine how much anxiety all of this creates! How the fuck would we have any time to consider what's actually going on in the world?

I want to share two links I found rummaging around the Radiohead-website (again!):
http://www.storyofstuff.com/
http://www.chrisjordan.com

Quite thought-provoking. I have a strong urge to start doing something. A couple of weeks ago, I was scared to death in my home on the top floor, as hail the size of gum-balls drummed deafeningly on the roof of the building I live in. I had no idea what was going on, and I was already traumatized by the tornado that had swept through Brooklyn a couple of weeks before...Global warming, anyone? Extreme weather..?

I know that I need to fix myself first, before I start attempting to do anything about anything. It's like they say on the airplanes: put your own mask on first. But once my mask is securely on, I'll do what I can.

I am a recovering agoraphobic. This means that I've been scared/anxious of wide open spaces. Imagine how much you have to work on sedating yourself in order to ignore the fact that we are surrounded by this vast open space: the universe, at all times. Talk about running away!

But, like I said--I am recovering. Here is part of my daily dose of reality: the Astronomy Picture of the Day.

http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/astropix.html

Breathtaking, isn't it?

I have always been fascinated by space, despite my fear. How could one not be? Now, I've recently begun my astronomy studies from the original series of Star Trek  (www.startrek.com). Man, that show is genius! Ok, so possibly not the most trustworthy and current source for information on the universe. Especially being that it was made in the sixties.... But I'm taking babysteps, yo!

Seriously though, astronomy will be a lifetime project for me. I have an appetite for knowledge about it now, and I'll learn a little bit every day. The space gives me perspective to give myself time. To not be impatient, and try to be more than I am at any moment. There is a process to everything. Learning should/could really be a peaceful process and there is no strain or exertion needed. Knowledge and skill (and healing too) come with patience and an open and relaxed mind.

Here, I'd like to quote Rainer Maria Rilke. The following speaks of an artist, but it could apply to any human being:

"There is here no measuring with time, no year matters, and ten years are nothing. Being an artist means, not reckoning and counting, but ripening like a tree which does not force its sap and stands confident in the storms of spring without the fear that after them may come no summer. It does come. But it comes to the patient, who are there as though eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly still and wide. I learn it daily, learn it with pain to which I am grateful: patience is everything!"