I finished reading another life-changing book yesterday: Ursula K. Le Guin's "A Wizard of Earthsea." Phew. Man. Even through the tales of wizardry, dragons and magic spells, I was able to relate to every line, every chapter, as if they told the story of my life. I am in awe of the gift this woman has for metaphor, for story-telling. And before you read my blog any further, I suggest you read the book. It's the easiest read ever.
Spoiler alert!

We carry within us all the experiences, thoughts and emotions we've ever had, especially those that were left unresolved. Things don't just take care of themselves and fade away at some point. Until we resolve those issues, we continue dragging around older versions of ourselves. Janita 1.0, Janita 2.0, Janita 3.0.... Trust me, some of it wasn't pretty, and I was hoping to leave them behind. Turns out I can't. They're all in me.

In order for me to become a true individual (definition: autonomous, distinct, indivisible entity), I will have to accept, understand and own all of these versions of me. That, I suppose, is to become a complete human being. To get there requires that I open some more cans of worms, but now I'm getting quite eager to do it. And here I get back to the brilliant mind of Ms. Le Guin: how surprising the places where we find pieces to unlock our puzzles!

I bought a new guitar today!!! This is the first guitar I've ever bought for myself and I'm having a love affair with it already! (my fingertips ain't....)

But consequently, I got to thinking this: inanimate objects hold a lot of energy. (Or alternately, we react to them energetically.) Until today I haven't been cognizant of the fact that I have in fact been avoiding playing my other two guitars because they carry many painful memories with them.(!!!) The enthusiasm that I have for this untainted instrument is proof of it--I don't believe it's just the newness. Playing this guitar, I have a feeling of freedom and starting from a clean slate.... What excitement!

Back in 1998 I met up with a famous video director, as we were planning to work together at the time. Towards the end of the meeting at her place, she offered me an absolutely beautiful lamp with colorful mosaic-type glass decoration. She told me that she wanted to get rid of it, as she had recently been divorced and felt it carried bad energies. I considered her silly for letting go of such a special piece, but thanked her and took it nevertheless.

Today, for the first time, I truly understand her. I have unconsciously been disliking various pieces of my furniture.... Whoa!
And yet, instead of tossing them, my preference is to now make peace with these inanimate objects that I abhor. Perhaps my newfound awareness will help me exorcise these bad energies I speak of. I will create a new relationship with these things, much as I have done with the city I live in. It's about consciously claiming them. And fyi, whatever I can't learn to love again will be found on the street next Tuesday. (...not the guitars though! ;))

I spent Wednesday night sleeping/staying awake outside on 86th street, lining up for tickets for Shakespeare in The Park. This was one of the craziest New York-experiences of my life, if not the craziest. It was a glimpse into what it means to be homeless, and yet it had nothing to do with it at all, at the same time.

How daunting it seemed at first, to spend a night next to people I had no previous connection to; many of them actually homeless. I felt a distinct sense of agoraphobia upon arrival. But that soon passed, as I realized how (relatively) peaceful the people of New York are. This is a city that's gone through it all, and the people have survived some serious madness. There is a real tolerance for diversity, an understanding of other people's space (as long as you respect theirs), a general respect towards others, that I'm always shocked to encounter in a city like this. One can even feel safe sleeping in the street!

After waiting for 13 hours, I ended up seeing a marvelous performance of Merchant of Venice last night, starring Al Pacino as Shylock. The play was absolutely worth the wait; not just for the amazing Mr. Pacino, but for everyone else in the cast as well. Making a commitment like the one I made, tests you, but usually pays off royally in the end. The good stuff is truly worth waiting for! (Apply that to whatever is appropriate in your life right now...)

And oh right, and my album came out this week too! ;)

Next Tuesday is the day of my first worldwide release. And it's made me reflect on some things...

I have been in the music business since I was 13 years old, when I recorded my first album... In all actuality even longer than that. It is a little known fact, that when I was 11 or 12 I did some marketing for an American line of dolls in Finland, of which one was called "Singing Janita", after me. (weird!!) Thank God the dolls were so hideously ugly that not much ever came out of it. ;) I also sang some recordings for Disney around the same time.

In any case, I've recently started realizing what a weird existence mine has been. I honestly don't think that it is good for kids to have to be in the spotlight so early on in life. We have some very good examples here in the States about what often happens to child stars.... Kids are supposed to have their childhood, and teenagers their teen-age-hood. I know this from experience, because I didn't.

It is more of a rarity, when people come out of those situations (being stars very young) unscathed. I tell you, it fucks with your brain. Those years are so important for the formation of your personality, your ideas, your world-view, your relationship to everyone and everything around you. If you're already in the limelight then, the pressure is huge, to keep up appearances. You end up absorbing too much and discriminating too little. (How would you discriminate? With what experience?) Your personality is thus formed by the powers that be, and you become a puppet of sorts. This is what your child-star idols are: puppets.

And so, I can understand very well, the problems that arise from that scenario. I'm still dealing with them myself. It has taken me about 16 years to separate what--amongst all of the racket inside of me--is actually me, and what has been imposed on me.

Which brings me back to the album I'm about to release. This album is about me finding myself, finally. I have always put as much of myself as I possibly could have, into my recordings. But the reason for the existence of this album, is solely me. I can't truthfully say that for any of the other albums I've made. Which is why I am so proud of this one. I am finally independent and strong within myself, even if still a bit Haunted by my past.

This week, I wanted simply to share this poem with you:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle
that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us.

One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, sorrow, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, superiority and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,
humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and
faith."

The grandson thought about it for a moment and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied,
"The one you feed."

I have nothing to add.

Truth is liberating. Even if truth is your worst fears come true.
I find it frustrating these days, when people try to soften or fudge the truth to make it more palatable. Well-meaning or not, it just ends up making you feel like you're missing something, or better yet, that you are crazy. Rather just give it to me straight and I'll deal with it!

To quote Rage Against The Machine: "Yes, I dwell in hell, but it's a hell that I can grip.." To me that's way better than "escaping the pain in an existence mundane." Who wants to live a mundane existence? I don't know about you, but my aim is to really live (and love), consciously. Plugged in, from now on. The more I understand, the more I face the truth, the stronger I become. There is nothing to run away from--everything catches up with you at some point, so you might as well just get it over with. And I say all of this in the most loving way. Reality is not the enemy.

It is my goal to write my blog every Friday. Ok, so it's technically not Friday anymore... But honestly, you would thank me for not having written this earlier in the day: I could hardly see anything good about my life this morning.

I'm noticing this about myself: I would much rather spread some positive energies in the world, than whine about things. So I made the decision to try to make it through the day and see what I wanted to say in the evening. And truth be told, I ended up having a good day after all! I met some fun new people, and got to know some old acquaintances a little better. I sat at a restaurant's outdoor patio for 7 hours straight chatting and hanging out. My ass is sore!!!

But coming back to trying to spread positive energies--it applies for my whole existence in this world. It is not my wish to dump my shit on others. The music that I write these days can get dark, but it's not written out of a place of hopelessness. To write is already a step toward the light!

Songwriting for me is catharsis. Therefore I hope and believe it can serve a similar purpose for my listeners. Even if a song is heavy in content or sad melodically, it can still be a very positive, empowering experience...provided you are listening to it at the right moment. We as listeners should be sensitive enough to recognize what feels good to our soul at any given time. It is our responsibility to ourselves.