This has been a week of empowerment for me, starting with killing a humongous flying (!!!) cockroach on Sunday night. It flew on my bed!!! You don't understand--these things have always given me the HEEBIE-JEEBIES. I say it in caps, because I really mean it. I have never killed one of these big guys myself before. But I'm proud of myself and happy to report that such creatures, will not have long life expectancy, if they ever set wandering tentacle in my house. In conquering my fears, this one was huge!

Other demons--similar monsters, I have fought and won inside of me this week. As a result, I am experiencing a calm I haven't felt for years. Everything is connected, I'm discovering... Us human beings, complex as we are, are really pretty simple after all. A lot of our irrational, debilitating fears arise from the same origin. Find the origin, and empower yourself.
And in case you're wondering....no. The origin is not the cockroach. :)

My album came from the print on Wednesday and it looks beautiful!!! Phew! Printing a record is risky business, as something usually goes wrong. My first album Oma Planeetta had some weird color defect and it showed all the powder on my face in the most intricate detail...The photo was supposed to look translucent, apparently. Not so.
My second album cover Savyja was just an incredibly horrible design. I shudder when I see it... (This time nothing to do with printing..) And I have plenty of other bad experiences as well.

Anyway, my point is...It is nice to be proud of a package in its entirety. God is in the fucking detail. Really, if you're gonna do something--do the whole thing well! Know that you are doing your best, and really express yourself! I am tired of dealing with people who don't have real passion for what they do. What a turn-on it is when they do!

And yes, as I'm preaching to you, I'm preaching to myself a little bit too. There are plenty of times, when for one reason or another I end up half-assing things. But I'm gonna try my darnedest to be aware of myself, and change that. Because, what's the use of doing things, if you're not putting yourself into it completely..? And while you're at it, don't even do things that your heart's not in! .....@#$%#, man. Still learning this one....

The 12-year-old inside of me has really been enjoying the activities that I've been engaging in this week: swinging on swings, eating way too much ice cream, laying face-down in the grass, hanging out with pug. I feel like through all of this, I have been regaining my sanity, which was lost long ago. Ha. You think I kid, but I'm being honest.

To top off all this healthiness, I spent today at the Rose Center for Earth and Space/Hayden Planetarium. My science geek-ish friend and I were remarking, teary-eyed, after seeing the Journey To The Stars-show: who needs all the burning bushes and the arks, the fire-breathing dragons and mermaids, when there's so much wonder in the universe around us!?
Even the 12-year-old inside of me agrees on this one.

Our reality. A reality we can grip and grasp, and still wonder about endlessly. Magical, awe-inspiring galaxies and nebulas and planets and stars, and God knows what else... Our existence within this world, so random and meaningless, and yet so full of meaning. Man. If all that doesn't give you perspective, I don't know what will.

I just came from a walk (attempted run) in Prospect Park. This was an outing designed to lift me up from a slump I've been in all week...alas, to no avail. Despite seeing turtle (!) and chipmunk.
Ok, now I'm smiling a little.

I decided it is not my duty to write a positive, uplifting blog, unless I'm really feeling it. Right now, I'm not. I am out of sorts and so be it.

Within my slump I am writing. A beautiful melody keeps playing in my head, about to turn into a song stained with, so far, at least one dirty word. Does an artist get a "parental advisory explicit lyrics"-sign for saying the word 'prick'? I hope so. It would be quite exciting.

Come to my gig next week, yo. I think I'll play a new song. That one's just a little dirty too. :)

People,

Today I experienced true empathy for the first time! Crazy, right?
It makes me sound like a hard-ass bitch or a narcissist, doesn't it? That would not be the right assessment though. I am 31 years old and I've lived up until now thinking that empathy is putting oneself in the other person's shoes. I have to say--I think I've been wrong...

I have cried listening to people's stories, cried watching heart-breaking movies and TV-shows, but I've always been putting myself in everyone else's place and feeling for them through myself. Today, for the first time, I was able to see the person I was listening to, envision their life, their view of the world, their thoughts and experiences (as much as I can and know) and just be moved by their experience. Not my own. Trust me, it's a different thing. (Or perhaps you already know...)

I walked into the street right after, remembering all the stories that my friends and family have told me and just wanting to cry for all of them. For them! Not myself, in their shoes. How different all those stories looked and sounded to me, all of a sudden.
I can't believe that I haven't understood this before!

I like that I'm becoming a real softy....and yet at the same time, that I'm tougher than I've ever been. (I'm learning to throw punches and rip people's eyes out, in class!) I like that it all gets balanced as you keep going with the flow....
That you become...whole?

I am such a recluse these days! But it's a good thing. Alone time is the most healing thing in the world; provided you've rummaged through your closets, know what's there, and have made/are making peace with it. I feel like I'm finally doing it. Lately, I've been willing to look each demon, that I've encountered, straight in the eye. I have researched them on the internet (ha!) and am in the process of taking their power away. It's a whack-a-mole-fest! And I'm feeling righteous anger too, which is a most liberating thing, motherfuckerrrrsssss!!
Although I sing about running away from emotions, I have to say I strongly advocate not doing that. Believe you me, I speak from experience.

Life used to be so very confusing to me. A veil is lifting, day by day by day. A new world is being revealed. I am like Neo in The Matrix. Muscle atrophy and all, unfortunately... :)

I had my very first listening party this week, which is crazy, being that I've already released 7 albums in my life (!). This was a lovely, very intimate get together with friends; we listened through, commented, and discussed the music. A very healing experience for me.
Somehow, I've felt very alone with this album up till now. It's been a project, through which I've fought for my personal artistic liberation. A lot about this album has felt heavy to me, including the name Haunted. Now I see it differently. I see that it's very honest to where I have been in my life, and that I should be proud of it. And I am, finally.

I now see too, that everything else that I've done in music so far, has been honest to where I've been in my life. Even in the times where I've been guided by someone else's musical vision. In those times, I just haven't been confident enough or strong-willed enough to push my own. I can accept that now. The reasons why are losing their importance to me. It is good to be aware of the past, but not to carry it as a burden.

It's interesting how people go through life not recognizing their emotions. Someone can tell you: "You obviously have a lot of anger in you.." And you yourself will have no clue. Well, I'm starting to recognize what I'm feeling. Positive emotions aside, negative feelings don't apparently all go under the umbrella of depression/anxiety. Whoa! What a revelation! You can sort through the shit and understand yourself. There are colors and shades of emotion and they are all fascinating. All of it is part of the human existence and should be enjoyed for what it is. I am learning.