JANITA :: The Official Blog

2012-03-02T12:42:00.000-05:00

These days, I notice that as I get more rooted in facts and reality and more together within myself, it tends to affect my surroundings in a big way. Not only in the neat versus messy sense--it carries on into everything: relationships, family, my address book, (!)... Everything becomes cleaner and clearer... a slow process though it is. It feels like it's impossible to have health in one area and not in the other, as everything is connected and carries on into the other. I've noticed that if I really want to feel whole and content, all areas of my life have to be addressed and healed, little by little, one at a time. Once the process starts, it tends to progress naturally....

As I look back on my life from where I'm at right now, and see it all through my new operating system, I can't help but cringe at so much of what came to pass. Painful memories that seemed like normal life at the time, and I didn't think twice of it. It is only later, through health, that we come to understand the truth about our lives. And I still have so much to discover...

Judging by my surroundings and my relationships, I'm definitely moving in the right direction. Much is still to be addressed, but I'm beginning to enjoy the process, more and more all the time. Sometimes the pain flows in like a wave, but if I don't hold on to it, it flows back out to where it came from. A feeling will pass, but facts remain. And feelings are not facts. Thank God. The fact is I'm in a better place than I've ever been.

2012-02-24T13:19:00.000-05:00

I am supremely motivated right now by this new book that I'm reading: The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. There is excitement coursing through my veins as I write this, and I can't wait to do my creative work today..!

The book itself is a swift kick in the butt for artists and creatives (although I do believe that all of us are born creative beings in one field or another...). It encourages us procrastinators to put ourselves on the line, to do the work and to finish the work, so as not to "cheat the world of our contribution." Procrastination is certainly a challenge of mine... Granted, I'm working very hard every day on a number of fields in my life. It is just that sometimes, in the midst of all this technological distraction (=the internet) we as human beings are surrounded by at all times today, it is a great challenge to get oneself to actually commit to doing one's creative work consistently. The internet being one of the many excuses here....

The War of Art helps me understand the many ways that we become obstacles to ourselves--the many forms that resistance takes in order to thwart us from doing our work... It is a relief to know that I am not the only one battling these specific demons, and that there are even books created on the subject of wrestling them down.

Mr. Pressfield says that the more you care about something, the more resistance you will have towards it. I actually find this soothing, because it rings so true in many areas of my life. The hard part is that this is a war that has to be fought on a daily basis within oneself.. Don't I know it.

But today, I got my gear on. Today I'm ready to be the warrior that I wish to be. Tomorrow is surely another battle, but luckily we only have to win these fights one at a time...

2012-02-17T21:56:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling very expansive right now. My comfort zone is widening at a fast rate, as a result of putting myself in novel situations on a day-to-day basis through my work. I'm meeting new people, speaking publicly and reaching out to business contacts I didn't know from before... In the process I've learned to be more forgiving of myself when I don't master everything straight away--if I get flustered and it shows. Now that I'm not contemplating my own navel all the time, I'm freer to observe others more accurately... And through observation I have come to notice, that most other people get quite nervous too in these situations..! I must say, that feels quite calming to me: I am not alone in my awkwardness!

A person that I respect very much talked to me this week about the concept of 'progress, not perfection.' When it comes to pretty much anything in life, like developing a new skill or a friendship, building a career, healing from trauma or illness--it all takes immense amounts of effort and an extended amount of time. I often get very impatient after having made a significant change in my life, thinking that this one change is supposed to impact every area of my existence Immediately... But I have come to realize that that's not how it goes. It looks to me like there are no overnight fixes to anything; no shortcuts.

But progress sounds to me like a way funner way to go through life anyway, than striving for perfection. No one is superhuman, and truthfully, no one expects us to be. Mistakes, setbacks and embarrassments happen to everyone and it's totally cool. There's always a next time, and a next time and a next time.....Doing something consistently is key. Progress then, is inevitable.

2012-02-10T13:42:00.000-05:00

A strong theme in my life right now is finding a sense of security. I want to trust that I am safe within myself and that I am no longer my own worst enemy, come what may. I no longer wish to be my own worst critic either. What's the point of it, I ask you..? To make oneself feel shitty and unworthy? ...Why? Certainly there are gentler ways to improve oneself...

I used to be (and still at times am) a tortured soul, but it is only because I torture(d) myself. The way I see it now is that life is too short to be stuck in such negative thought-patterns. That sort of heaviness is too much to carry alone, and typically gets dumped on other people...

A friend of mine raised a good point this week by stating the general wish to be needed less and enjoyed more. I think that is probably what most of us want from our lives: to come together for enjoyment, instead of unloading. Or worse--for being the one unloaded on. Sharing is a different thing all together.

So, I'm making an effort to be my own best friend. To find the reasons behind any bad vibes throughout the day, noticing their patterns and in the process unraveling them, on my own. Look ma, no hands!
I wish to need people less and to enjoy them more; to stand unsupported on my own two feet, if not at all times, then at least 90% of the time. That would be sweet.

2012-02-03T11:08:00.000-05:00

Every now and then in my life these days I hit a wall of fear, that seems impossible to get through. An old painful memory from the past tries to convince me that I'm not strong enough to tackle a new obstacle, saying that "because I wasn't strong enough then, I won't be strong enough now."

But what choice do we have in this world, except to go through that wall? Stay stuck? Hell no. In my experience, the pain of that is way worse than the pain of facing the fear. I certainly have spent enough of my life staring at the wall, wishing that I had the drive and the courage that I perceived other people had...

Right now I'm facing one of my thickest walls of fear, as this one's been accumulating girth for many years. A place of repeated injury... And yet I know, having passed through similar walls before, that this is not an impossible task. You take one step, then another--fearfully yet bravely until you get to the other side. It's ok to feel scared...as long as you do it anyway. I'm gonna frickin' do it anyway.

I love Mark Twain.

"Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain."
- Mark Twain

2012-01-27T22:57:00.000-05:00

I like routines! I'm building more and more of them into my life right now, all of them conscious steps towards the direction of my choosing...

I'm understanding more and more about myself too, through two children that I love dearly and interact with weekly. Realizing how important it is for them to receive a call from me on a specific day makes me reflect on how significant routines and consistency are for us people in general. We are not so different as adults than we were as children. (And truly, children are not so different from us adults....)

I'm embracing my inner child now. I'm enjoying creating a feeling of safety within my currently rapidly expanding life. After years of living an irregular existence: partying, staying up late, etc., I love the thought of waking up at the same early hour every morning. How very un-rock and roll of me! Well, I don't care a shit about what's rock and roll anymore... I just want to live a good life and make something out of it. And I like having more hours in the day to do things that I feel passionate about.

“A child reminds us that playtime is an essential part of our daily routine.” -Anonymous

2012-01-20T19:57:00.000-05:00

I'm learning to listen.
Man, that shit is hard!
Even if I concentrate with all my might, it's hard for me to shut up with my advice and coaxing. I guess the rule is that if people don't ask for advice, none is to be given... But goddammit, it slips in there anyway, more often than I'd care to admit.

It's not that I feel like I have all the answers, but it's hard to watch from the sidelines sometimes when people close to me struggle with their problems.... A situation that could so easily be turned around by just a few changes.... But alas, there are things in this life I have no power over... I truly cannot change anyone else's life but my own.

So, I'll listen. I know from my own experience that given a chance to talk, sometimes I end up figuring out the answers to my problems myself. And truly, people fix their problems once they're ready to fix them. If, in some cases they never are ready, fuck it, I'll accept that too. It's about time I concentrate on my own shit and stop carrying everyone else's. It's not my job. Never was. Freedom.

2012-01-13T14:31:00.000-05:00

"We are what we repeatedly do, excellence then is not an act, but a habit." — Aristotle

This week went by faster than any week that I can remember within my adult life.
I can hardly believe it's Friday already! My life has started filling up with all kinds of interesting activities, thoughts and projects, and above all--new connections. My isolation-period is definitely over.

For me, getting to know myself within the last couple of years has meant spending a lot of time on my own. I kept only a handful of chosen people close to me and distanced myself from everyone else. This is because I needed to at long last figure out what it is that I really think and feel, what my interests are, what kind of person I want to be in the future. I let others make those decisions for me for the longest time...

Now, I am finally secure enough in myself to go out there and meet new people and network, to make new friends and connections. I'm not scared that I'll somehow morph into thinking how they think or acquiesce to their vision of what I should be doing. (Trust me, random people often tell me what it is I should be doing as an artist. I think that this kind of thing is probably the bane of every artist's existence.)

So, I feel really good. A little scared of the unknown but good. I'm out there in the world interacting for the first time as the person that I've made myself into in the last few years, and I'm pretty frickin' proud of her. She's come a long way.

2012-01-06T18:50:00.002-05:00

As I write this I am high on some toxic, recently-applied-floor-wax fumes I've been inhaling at the gym over the last couple of days. Man, that shit takes a toll! I am dizzy and nauseous and tired beyond belief... This is definitely not a good high. I have lots on my mind besides this, but am feeling so utterly run down by toxic pollutants that I had to share some of my thoughts and a couple of links on the subject.

I personally became aware of the poisons that we are surrounded by and ingest on a day-to-day basis in the end of 2010.. Before then it had never even occurred to me that I should be suspicious of my shampoo, moisturizer or the cube of vegetable stock that I used regularly. The truth is that toxic chemicals are lurking in the majority of products that are being sold today. We artfully apply them into our hair, on our faces, on and into our bodies... Bottles and bottles filled with unpronounceable ingredients are lined up on the shelves of pharmacies and grocery stores...We're all so used to it we don't even question it.

It is horrible to realize that most people are as oblivious to the hazards of these products as I was so very recently. Once I became aware of these poisons, I actually went through the labels of all my household products and found that pretty much all of my cleaning stuff, cosmetics and even food was loaded with really nasty ingredients. I've been trying to steer clear of these chemicals ever since and buy things that are as non-toxic as possible.

But clearly, even with diligent research it's impossible to avoid poisons all together as they are everywhere, my floor-wax stupor a case in point. Even so, below are a couple of links to check in case you are interested and haven't seen or heard this information yet. Every little bit that we do helps the bigger picture, I'm sure.
Here's to hoping that one day the norm will be to opt for non-toxic floor-wax instead of this brain-irritating bullshit.

http://www.storyofstuff.org/movies-all/story-of-cosmetics/
http://ewg.org/

2011-12-30T18:20:00.001-05:00

Within the last few days I've been learning the profound importance of being in the moment... There are many obstacles to this though, including a half-a-million reels of film running through my head at any given time; all those unconscious memories of what has come before... It is hard to experience any moment for what it is or see people for who they are, when the past colors and darkly animates everything and everyone I'm looking at...

My new year's resolution is to consistently attempt to turn those reels off; to remain present, so as to live in reality instead of some slightly altered version of the past. In truth, people and experiences are all unique and novel, if one is mindful enough to really be there to experience them. I don't want to hang all my garbage on every situation, on every new person that I meet. And believe me, I have lots of garbage to go around! But that's just it: it's garbage. Those films suck and are out-of-date. If I remain in the moment, the films stop.

Mine is a challenging resolution, and possibly a life-long project... But through my experiences this week, I know that it's the only way for my wounds to heal: to stop injuring myself (and others) with my old projections from the past.

"If you have one eye on yesterday, and one eye on tomorrow, you're going to be cockeyed today." - Anonymous

Right?
Have a fruitful, soulful and adventurous year 2012 everyone!

2011-12-23T20:17:00.000-05:00

When I embarked upon my journey of soul-searching, I was told that the process would be akin to unraveling a ball of yarn, a little at a time. Through my own experience I have learned that this is indeed a very good way to describe it. There is always more to unravel, always more to understand... It's impossible to know how much is still hidden underneath. Every new discovery life-changing, mind-blowing... and yet utterly natural at the same time. It is as if I knew the answers all along somewhere deep within... And I'm sure that in the end, I did.

So it is with health, it seems to me. Having started on a journey towards health, harmony and balance on a physical level is a similar unraveling of a ball of yarn. The mound of shit that I've already sorted through health-wise is enormous. And yet, I'm discovering, there is always more. But there is a curious thing that happens: as my life and my health gets better, things that never used to bother me, now all of a sudden take up a huge amount of space and need fixing. It feels kinda backwards, don't it?

Backwards it ain't. The journey instead is about simplifying, both on an emotional and on a physical level. Finding the elements that work, instead of a mountain of wrong ones. In this way the bulk of the ball of yarn disappears: what was once a life filled with excesses of all kinds, slowly gets whittled down to the basics.

Elemental, man. That's the way I like my music, that's the way I like my art, that's the way I like my food, that's the way I like my frickin' life: the right, carefully chosen ingredients, combined artfully, thoughtfully and with acquired skill. Fuck off if you think it's less. It's more.

Happy holidays, people!

2011-12-16T21:37:00.000-05:00

Man, the world has so much to offer... So many ways to better oneself every day, if one chooses to. There is so much to explore, it can be quite intimidating... Especially having squandered much of my twenties with booze and video games. I feel like I'm constantly having to catch up, not just in my knowledge of the world, the arts and science, but also with day-to-day-stuff most people learned to do at a much younger age. I feel like I am only now becoming an adult.

But indeed I AM becoming an adult. I suppose a lot of people never do grow up. I watched a new movie last week called Young Adult, starring a drunken, disheveled and delusional Charlize Theron (a wonderful performance!), which really reminded me of how far I have come. Hehe... Unfortunately, I could really relate! It also reminded me that there is always a choice one can make to stay stuck. I chose differently, and I'm very thankful that I did.

Even though in a lot of ways I am pissed off about having lost so much of my life battling depression, merely surviving, the experience does help me understand people and the world in a way that I otherwise wouldn't. Everything is learning material in the end. Every step that I made, brought me here to this very moment, and this moment is very fucking good. All of the stuff that was is still here, and more. All that the world has to offer, it still offers me. It is never too late to start ingesting the healthy and nourishing stuff: information, art, music, life. And ingest it I do, like a sponge.

Here is a rule to remember when anything tempts you to feel bitter: not, “This is a misfortune,” but “To bear this worthily is good fortune.”
– Marcus Aurelius

2011-12-09T14:59:00.001-05:00

I find myself looking forward to the new year like I never have before. I'm in the process of cleaning house, literally and figuratively. My life suffered from clogged arteries for a long time and now, after purposefully cleaning out the blockages within me and around me, blood is starting to flow freely through all veins again. It's quite a feeling!

This is not say that I'm completely healed, or that the house is completely clean. There are still problem areas... And life will always present many challenges -- that's the nature of it! But I feel like I'm almost at the spot where I can start from a clean slate to build my life and career anew. I've done the groundwork now and a basic structure is in place... This is exciting beyond words!

My anxiety has been a real disability for me in life. For many years it prevented me from fully inhabiting myself, from reaching any goals, from believing in myself. With all my fears, many aspects of being an artist were impossible. Maybe that's why I'm so excited about the coming months and year: as I clean house and wave goodbye to people who have hurt me, I also wave goodbye to my anxiety. This to me, is the closest experience to freedom that I have ever experienced. Without constant anxiety, anything is possible! Look out, year 2012.

"There is no such thing as part freedom." -Nelson Mandela

2011-12-02T14:31:00.000-05:00

I am not used to winning fights. Truth be told, I was not even encouraged to defend myself as I was growing up, ever, as far as I can remember. I suppose defending oneself was considered fighting in my former surroundings.... And fighting, of course, was a Very Bad Thing.

The way I see it now is that sticking up for oneself is an absolute must in this world. I find myself using the skill more and more. Not needlessly, may I add. A lot of situations will never be resolved; a lot of people refuse to ever see what they did wrong, but the fact that I am now able to express my hurt or dismay to them gives me some peace of mind. It allows me to let go and move on.

Year 2011 has changed this about me: I have started fighting back. And I am happy to say I am fucking winning. A couple of days ago I was going through the songs that I've been writing for my new album and I was heartened to see the theme that emerges: defiance. That's a pretty good common thread, methinks... I can get behind that.. Life will be very different from now on for me.

Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures. ~Henry Ward Beecher

2011-11-25T18:47:00.000-05:00

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.
Andy Rooney

Some doors take a really fucking long time to close. There is one particular door in my life that I've been closing--pushing and pushing shut for many years now. This one turned out to be way heavier than I originally thought... Unimaginably heavy in fact. Yet, how readily it swung open again, at every possible opportunity... It is now close to being shut, with but a fell breeze blowing in..

In trying to close this heavy door I speak of, I've conveniently been able to delay opening another one. God knows what lies behind it! At least I know the dungeon I came from! Hehe...

But seriously, I don't want to live my life in a corridor, in a waiting room... I want to bravely enter whatever spaces and phases might lie ahead. It's time to make that final exertion, I now know for sure that I'm strong enough to shut the damn door. I don't want to catch another whiff of that breeze, of toxic fumes. And perhaps what lies behind the next door is sunshine and fresh air! Who the fuck knows? I think it's time I find out.

2011-11-18T10:20:00.000-05:00

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of nonessentials. -Lin Yutang, writer and translator (1895-1976)

I subscribe to The New York Times "A.Word.A.Day"-e-mail, and I received the above great quote from them yesterday. It rings very true to me, as in the past I have often crammed my days with way too many chores, ending up feeling entirely overwhelmed by them. Recently, I've been learning to structure my life in a way that leaves more time for contemplation and relaxation... Interestingly enough, I have ended up getting more done than ever before!

I've often felt this urgency that I Only Have This One Day To Do Everything That Needs To Be Done!!! Somehow the wisdom in the quote "Live every day as if it were your last" got warped in the translation... It created this stress of accomplishing, succeeding, achieving... In my experience, that kind of attitude just creates paralysis and frustration. If, instead of a sprint I see my life as a marathon, I can divide the things that I want to do over a longer period of time. True, we all have just this one moment: tomorrow, or even the next moment is not promised to us. But let's face it -- some of us indeed end up living until we are 80. Taking that into consideration, wouldn't it make more sense to take smaller steps every day towards where we want to go?

I for one have decided that that's how I want to live my life. Taking smaller bites every day in fact ends up giving me the opportunity to live, love and be merry in the process. Really, what's the hurry? (I should really listen to myself, hehe... Even now, there is a ticking clock somewhere in the back of my head, pressuring, pressuring, pressuring...)

Truly, I think that this urgency is another chip installed by this world, one that I passionately want to remove from my brain. It's the product of ageism and egoism, so rampant in our culture. If I let go and take it easier and slower, I bet ya I'll get there faster. "There" meaning feeling happy and fulfilled, doing what I love to do. Isn't that all I really want anyway? Thinking this way, it becomes very obvious what the nonessentials are.

2011-11-11T16:37:00.000-05:00

It's been lovely to feel a momentum building in my life for the last couple of weeks... I've felt like a lot of the personal goals that I've been working towards are starting to materialize, a little bit at a time. Life ahead looks exciting and inviting in a way that it never has before.

I watched a movie last week, The Shift/From Ambition to Meaning, starring Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, and I found it very inspiring. In it he said many things that affected me deeply, but among them was this: you attract what you are. Not what you want.

I've started seeing myself very differently, gradually throughout this year. I keep discovering new strengths as I break through old patterns. Even within the last few weeks, I've noticed that I've been having utterly new experiences and wholly different conversations than before; some with people that I wouldn't have known what to say to, even as recently as last summer.

It is true that changing yourself changes everything around you, because you view it differently. It seems inane to say it, because now it feels like such a no-brainer, but I realize that for most of my life, this has been a foreign concept to me. Now I welcome opportunities to discover things that I could improve or change about myself, because it means I no longer have to try to control or moan about others. Letting go and letting others be who they are is making my life so much easier.

Through these personal changes I have a lot more space and time in my life to work on the things that matter to me. Thus, who I am is becoming a whole lot bigger than who I used to be. In striving to be healthier and happier, rather than trying to just get what I want, I feel like things are falling into place naturally. So, I guess my point tonight is this: I think that Dr. Dyer is on to something...

2011-11-04T13:43:00.000-04:00

Muscle memory! Muscle memory seems to be the key to everything!
Practice something enough and it will become a part of you, an acquired ability.
There is an automation that happens with singing and performing for example: I've sung so much, and sung certain lyrics so many times that the body already knows what comes next. It's inbuilt, and I don't have to think about it. If I let go of anxiety, the song will practically sing itself. And within that looseness I can also improvise and add more depth to the whole experience.

There's a joke that a friend of mine tells about a centipede, who, amidst its rapid wiggling suddenly considers what leg 88 is doing and gets all fucked up... I know that feeling of myopic thinking and distraction within an important moment very well,
as it has happened to me many times in the past... But I'm learning that trusting myself can also be learned into muscle memory, and the more I trust myself, the less I'll be thinking about leg 88.

I have always been shy: I've never been comfortable socially, not one to express my opinions in a crowd, for fear of losing the thread of what I'd want to say. I've just thought that this is who I am. Turns out that's not who I am. It's just that being outspoken in social situations is not in my muscle memory, due to my avoidance of speaking. Duh! Well, I am changing this now, as I find that I have a lot to say. Through these new lectures that I'm giving I'm discovering a whole new Janita! One that I didn't realize existed. And I'm sure that as my muscle memory as a courageous outspoken woman grows, I will become even braver.

Fear is a wall that we need to get through. It seems impenetrable until we're on the other side of it. And soon after, a new wall emerges... That just seems to be a fact of life. But knowing that developing muscle memory is the key to doing, well...everything! feels like a relief to me. None of us excel at anything unless we've worked hard at it, and that is good to remember. As beginners, we are not even meant to be competing with the experts. Like Bruce Lee said:

“I fear not the man who has practiced 10000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10000 times.”

Hiyah! Keep kicking.

2011-10-28T12:37:00.000-04:00

I've had quite a week! Two nights ago I did perhaps the best show of my life so far, performing my first piano-vocal duo-show together with my keyboard player Alan Markley. Also, a week ago I gave a successful lecture, my first ever, where I debuted two new songs accompanying myself on guitar in front of an audience for the first time.

I've really been pushing through fears and insecurities and expanding my life in these past few weeks... I've been using a machete to hack at all the negative voices in my head that keep telling me that I'll never be able to succeed, that I'll never be able to do the things that I want to do, that I'll never be able to fulfill my dreams, that I will never be able to become who I want to be. I've drowned out so many of these voices already, and yet there is still much more to do. Perhaps it doesn't matter as much anymore where these voices came from--what matters is that they have to go. They're not factual, they're not real, and what's more important: they're not me. What I want to learn now is to make victory laps, to really celebrate my accomplishments instead of feeling guilty about them.

The Finnish culture taught me this:
"Oma kehu haisee." Loosely translated: "Complimenting yourself stinks."
"Vaatimattomuus kaunistaa." Loosely translated: "Modesty makes you prettier."(What??)
"Kell'onni on, se onnen kätkeköön." Loosely translated: "Whoever has happiness, they should hide it."
Having learned to think for myself in recent years, I think all those sayings suck ass. I think complimenting yourself is healthy, confidence makes you prettier, and happiness should be shared.

So, today I choose to concentrate on the progress that I'm making and the victories won through my hard work. It is an old mechanism in me that makes me apologetic after accomplishing great things in my life. I'd much rather keep making myself stronger and stronger through any successes I may have, than grovel out of guilt and a feeling of undeservedness. I do deserve success and happiness! We all do. Our successes are not anyone else's losses, they are simply our frickin' triumphs and a reason for us to be proud and happy for ourselves. Fuck anyone who can't share in our joy or tries to tell us any different.

2011-10-21T14:14:00.000-04:00

nur·tur·ance (nûrchr-ns)
n. The providing of loving care and attention.

How utterly important this is for all of us!

All throughout my life, I have been put into anxiety-inducing situations such as live performances and interviews on TV and radio, concerts in front of high-power record label executives, high-level public appearances, with very little nurturance. No one ever taught me to do these things, or even offered me pointers, advice or support. I was just basically pushed onto the stage to do my thing, sink or swim. My first live appearance as an artist was at the age of 13 on one of the biggest live TV-shows in Finland. I do not remember having gotten any words of encouragement, preparation or even a private rehearsal in advance. I was just expected to set aside my nerves and perform, even at that young age. Inevitably, that performance left me with a feeling of sinking rather than swimming, and I hope to never have to watch the damn thing. I don't know that I ever actually have.

This kind of thing leaves scars. It left me with a bad association regarding performing--a feeling of inadequacy and aloneness. Despite the fact that I have developed into a world-class singer and a great performer throughout the years, this feeling of unpeacefulness has lingered.

This week perhaps for the first time I discovered that I don't have to be alone with my trepidations regarding challenges that I face in life. For the first time I received nurturance, support and help with preparation before a new task, and it totally altered the experience for me. This is what I've been missing all my life!

We all need encouragement and soothing, and someone who believes in us. The first time doing anything is challenging, but with the help of a healthy and loving friend, any challenge can be turned into an exciting adventure. The idea is to expand in life, to get through fears and constantly make life more fulfilling... Through nurturance from others we learn to nurture ourselves, and to me that seems to be the key to all the good stuff in life.(!)

2011-10-14T13:10:00.002-04:00

I think that artists and freelancers are often envied because of the apparent looseness of their schedules, and the presumed ease with which they go about their business. They seemingly build their lives however they like, and the assumption is that it's all just very bohemian and artsy and cool. Everything about it looks very effortless and chic on the outside. I mean, even I assume this as I observe other artists.

But I trust that any artist who really wants to be serious about their work and their life, has to at some point become pretty structured about it. It can't just be loose and laid-back: we all need to show up, when we tell ourselves we will, and also learn to stop and let go of the work regularly as well. Otherwise, we'll be living with a lot of inner turmoil, with nagging shoulds of one sort or another in the back of our brains, day after day... Unfortunately I know this feeling first-hand.

An artist life that works, probably ends up looking much like a 9 to 5 job. When I have no structure, I end up feeling like I'm working All The Time; and thus exhausted, I'm probably not accomplishing as much. It's a hole I want to climb out of. Now. Also, it is easy to procrastinate, when no one is keeping me in check... It is easy to whittle away the hours, seemingly doing things, while not really accomplishing the stuff that I want to.. but it's got a serious consequence: my goals will not be reached. Yikes!

We all need a breather from our work--some time to grow, time to enjoy life, time to explore... By structuring my life better and creating free time, I believe I'll be a lot happier and more effective too. I feel very excited about this actually! I already see light at the end of the tunnel!

It is a learning process to balance an artist life, but it can be done. It's just not as bohemian and loose as it seems.

2011-10-07T18:08:00.000-04:00

Feelings are like clouds floating by in the sky, some of them taking a little longer than others to dissolve, morph, disappear. Anger, sadness and fear, but also joy, serenity and love are all transitory emotions. None of them stick; they are all just passing through. Provided, I guess, that we aren't rigidly holding on to them.

I'm slowly getting acquainted with my feelings again, after suppressing them for most of my life. In the past, any time some more complicated emotions came up, I would always try to get rid of them and control them, which ended up turning them into anxiety. This is a complicated affair and is still challenging to understand, but it's starting to make more and more sense to me... When one distracts or diverts oneself with horrific fears, one can't actually see what the fuck is Really going on in one's life. Thus there is no need to fix what's wrong.

So, I am learning to let my feelings in, whatever they are. No more irrational fears to disguise what I'm feeling. Come in, pass through, go away.

And here's what I'm feeling: I am angry at all men. I kill them all on the train, in the park, in the streets (in my head of course, NOT in reality). Any guy I see from the corner of my eye or opposite me on the subway--I'll have a sword through them in no time. Anyone with a dick is fair game. Now that's a healing technique the self-help-books won't teach me!

So that's pretty scary, isn't it? I can see why that shit was hard for me to let in/out. But if I don't deal with the emotion, feel it and let it out, it will continue to fester within me, and the pressure-cooking continues...

No more pressure-cooking. I'm done with that shit.
I do not intend to be angry at men for the rest of my life. But being that this feeling in fact exists within me, I welcome it and look forward to saying goodbye to it. In the end, dealing with the feeling is a hell of a lot better than freaking myself out needlessly. True story.

2011-09-30T12:55:00.000-04:00

I feel like something new is about to begin. Or possibly has already begun. And it's not just fall I'm talking about...There's been a healing quality to this last week for me, and though my house is a bit of a mess right now, I feel like I'm getting my shit together. I'm bravely embarking on new projects, that I wouldn't even have considered a year ago. Clearly my confidence is growing....

One of the reasons for the shift in my thinking is that I'm letting go of blame towards myself. Many of the self-help-books that are out there tell us to Take Responsibility, Take Responsibility, Take Responsibility! And I totally agree with that point of view; except for the fact that it doesn't always apply. This week I finally recognized that I've taken responsibility even for things that were in the end other people's responsibility: I've blamed myself for other people's neglect and abuse towards me.

No book out there will ever be the complete truth. No book out there will have been made Just For Me, no matter what it is. No one way of doing things works for all of us--instead, there are 6 billion ways to do things, and we really do have to work to find the way that works for us individually. All our stories are different, and thus a different manual applies. We have to create that manual ourselves.

So, I'm writing a new chapter in my personal manual.. Taking responsibility is a complicated, multi-faceted matter, and I need to consider it regarding my life specifically. Yes, I can and I will choose healthy reactions and actions to things that happen to me; I can change my negative patterns of thinking into positive; I can take responsibility for my life now and going forward, but other people's hurtful actions towards me in the past are their responsibility, not mine. I am only responsible for how I deal with them now that I know better.

I leave you with two quotes that I find appropriate today:

You are not responsible for the programming you picked up in childhood. However, as an adult, you are one hundred percent responsible for fixing it. ~Ken Keyes, Jr.

Being responsible sometimes means pissing people off. ~Colin Powell

2011-09-23T12:27:00.000-04:00

Hitting rock bottom is a gift, though it certainly doesn't feel like it in the moment. I don't know that I've ever been able to make major changes in the way I live my life, until every bone in my body has known that I absolutely have no choice but to do so. Hitting rock bottom is the moment that one (ideally) starts climbing back up, which is actually pretty fucking empowering.

Hitting rock bottom tends to come as a total surprise to me. I didn't know that I was anywhere near the edge, and all of a sudden I'm free-falling. Looking back, the signs are always clear, and there were many events leading up to it. But usually when I'm already headed towards the edge a fog appears seemingly from out of nowhere, blinding me from the present moment--from reality.

My rock bottoms seem as low as they ever were, even now. But I'm sure they are not; it's just a matter of perspective: I've gotten used to being healthier. I certainly wouldn't change my rock bottom of now to my rock bottom of two years ago.
That shit was bleak!

I've said it before in this blog but I'll say it again: healing is not a straight line. It's a jagged-y zig-zag type of deal. If you look up real close the dips can seem pretty intense, but if you zoom out you see that the line actually does go up all the time. One has to keep in mind the big picture, even in the darkest of moments.

Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb

Yeah, motherfucker!

2011-09-16T12:59:00.001-04:00

I find it scary to talk about these things, as I have a fear of rejection... This shit is bound to turn some of you off. Nevertheless, it is too important for me not to talk about it, so here goes:

Last night I attended an event here in NYC organized by The Climate Reality Project, where I heard Al Gore speak on the subject of climate change. As he spoke, the screen behind Mr. Gore showed scene after scene of the most horrific destruction I've ever seen caused by extreme weather, which has now become our 'New Normal'. We are getting used to a completely new reality, where record-breaking storms, floods, droughts, fires and mudslides are commonplace. Unfortunately it's just going to get worse in the years to come.

It is hard for me to accept, that so many people are still debating the reasons for this shift in weather, when 97 percent of scientists in the world agree that climate change is mainly caused by human activity. It is hard for me to accept that there are numerous esteemed politicians and trusted news reporters, that are still spreading doubt about our responsibility in this. They are playing into the pockets of big corporations, and disregarding the rights of people in this world. Perhaps this is not intentional, but that doesn't excuse it. We are not to be gullible in matters of such seriousness. Yes, this shit is scary! Yes, we would rather not it be true! But 'ignore it, and it will go away' does not work here. (I don't know that it ever does, actually.)

Walking down 34th street towards the subway after yesterday's event was quite shocking for me. I rarely go to that neighborhood these days, with big department stores like Macy's, H&M, Forever 21, etc., back to back to back.... It made me reflect on the plastic nature of our culture, and the entertainment that we're being fed these days; possibly to counteract the harsh reality of what's actually going on in the world. We put on the news and we see the Worst Tornado Ever, that just narrowly missed our neighborhood, then we soothe ourselves by watching our chosen self-centered and irresponsible reality-TV-hero obsessing about minutiae. The shallowness has a mind-numbing, relaxing effect, and it gives us license to drop some of our responsibility too.

But we Can't drop our responsibility. We are not powerless to sway the minds of politicians, as Al Gore said last night. If we communicate to our leaders that what we want is clean, renewable energy; at the risk of us not voting for them, they will listen! We need volume and participation, but unfortunately our culture is trying to keep us and make us into passive consumers. We can't afford to allow that. The only way to make positive changes is if we the people take charge. I can't change anyone else, but I sure as hell can be active myself. I will be writing my frickin' senators, presidents and governors, even though I still can't even vote in this country. I'm doing it as a citizen of EU, concerned for the well-being of all of us in this world. If you're interested, please check out these sites below. There are so many ways to be active and make change happen. I'm just getting started....

http://climaterealityproject.org
http://www.avaaz.org
http://sierraclub.org

2011-09-09T11:02:00.002-04:00

I have a newfound responsibility to be consistent and constant in my life.
I remember when I first moved to NY and mingled at parties, socialized etc., it became clear to me very quickly, that most promises and plans made with people in those circumstances were empty. They had no substance, no merit... Any attempt to follow up on those promises and plans was seen as naive. It was a social code not familiar to me from my youth in Finland, and after a few blunders, I gradually learned to become a cream puff of sorts myself. Double bookings, empty niceties, meaningless promises... It seemed as if it was the norm to be flaky. Perhaps I was socializing in the wrong circles?

Today, I don't even like to use X's and O's, if I don't mean them. There are very few people I want to kiss and hug in this world, and even them I don't want to kiss and hug all the time! It is my preference to say what I mean, and to mean what I say. I do my best.

The responsibility becomes even more profound, when it comes to a fragile and beautiful relationship that I'm building with two small children in my life right now. To become someone that they can count on; to be reliable and consistent in their lives, is perhaps the biggest personal contribution in this world that I can think of. It was a life-altering experience for me recently, to understand that they look up to me -- that the things I say to them are sinking in, very deeply. Yikes!!! It makes me very conscious of the need to be considerate, compassionate, truthful and kind with them at all times. While clearly also keeping my personal boundaries intact...

For one reason or another, there have not been many constant or consistent people in my life. This is why I still find it hard to trust anyone, even those who actually are reliable. Learning to be trustworthy myself is important to me, because I don't want to pass that shit forward... By learning to trust myself, perhaps I'll learn to trust others as well? I know that there will be times, when I decide to depend on a white lie... but ultimately, I'd like to get rooted in truth, like a rock. Not rigid, but solid.

2011-09-02T21:06:00.000-04:00

Having recently been the target of passive aggression, I feel the urge to write a passively aggressive blog. Or even an aggressive one. Truth be told, in my anger, I've written several drafts of my aggresso-blog already! All of them end in frustration, and me wanting to shake some people into waking up. Alas, I have tried that in the past and it hasn't worked. (Quite the opposite actually. Apparently, people get quite pissed off at someone trying to shake them awake...)

Aggression and negativity is such a cycle... A cycle that seems to never get resolved.
It continues on, from person to person, unless a conscious effort is made to dismantle it. Perhaps today, I will attempt to do just that... I'm already exhausted, why waste any more energy on other people's shit?

Marcus Aurelius has this to say:
"You can hold your breath until you turn blue, but they'll still go on doing it."

How about I just breathe easy? How about I just breathe easy.

2011-08-26T10:28:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a beautiful, sunny day in Helsinki.. As I was walking through my favorite neighborhood in the city; along the shore; sitting on the rocks, watching the sea, it really dawned on me what a special place this is. Why then, have I been so out of sorts all week? I have been struggling through my days, with enormous anxiety.... And I totally knew I would, even before I came here.

I believe that the answer to my question has dawned on me now, with a little help from a new friend, who crystallized it to me earlier today: I've been associating Finland with many of the negative experiences of my past. It is no coincidence that I've lived abroad for the last 15 years. One of the reasons is that I've been trying to run away.

In my twenties, I used to come here, get all shit-faced and then leave after a couple of weeks. Finland was a place for FUN!, i.e. hanging out in bars and not much else... Most of my experiences here were covered in a haze: either drunken, or hungover. In that way, I didn't really have to face the fact that I had a complicated relationship with my home country.... Now, the sober me has been dreading coming here like the plague. My demons were all here, waiting as soon as I landed at the airport, attacking me with full force.

It is a healing thought to me, that none of my problems have anything to do with the city itself, or the country. The truth is, it has less to do with the people here too... Instead, it has everything to do with me. The demons are within me, not in my surroundings. It just so happens that I have issues, heightened here, that I haven't learned to deal with yet. I believe that in being more understanding, and kinder to myself, lies the key. It will set me free.
It is a beautiful city, and a beautiful country.

2011-08-19T11:11:00.002-04:00

As I write this, I am 'sitting back, relaxing and enjoying' my flight from New York to Helsinki.... The cab driver who dropped me off at the airport, asked me if my trip is for business or for pleasure, to which I quickly replied that it is for both. Later, I thought to myself: wow--that's a bit of an over-simplification, isn't it..? I hardly think of concerts as business, and "pleasure" does not come close to describing the rest of my planned trip, which I'm expecting to be as emotionally challenging as I'm hoping it will be fulfilling...

Last summer I wrote in my blog about building a renewed personal relationship with New York; connecting to the city through its nature; through museums, streets, parks... Now, I find myself also wanting to connect to Finland and Helsinki, the country and the city where I'm from, in a new way.

I have lived abroad for over 15 years now, (almost half my life(!)) yet in some ways, to me it feels like I haven't been away at all. In many aspects, I feel so utterly Finnish! Though I'm sure that once again, in a few hours, I will be confronted also by those aspects in which I no longer fit in at all.... Even though it pains me, I can't change the fact that in Finland I am often treated like an outsider these days.. What is in my power though, is to control my own perspective and my own relationship with the country and my heritage.

I can easily name a thousand extraordinary people, things, places and foods right now, which one is only able to only experience in my home country. Some of them can only truly be appreciated by a Finn, (due to language barrier, cultural barrier, taste barrier, etc.) That said, I AM a Finn, and I CAN truly appreciate those things! On this trip, among other things, I am reclaiming my emotional and spiritual citizenship, and can't nobody do anything about it! Perkele!

2011-08-12T12:30:00.002-04:00

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. -Anatole France, novelist, essayist, Nobel laureate (1844-1924)

I received the above quote this morning in an email from the New York Times, and it struck me how fitting it felt to where I'm at in my life right now. For a long time, my life was extremely unhealthy, and ultimately unsustainable. Yet I had learned to navigate that universe; I had learned to find whatever relief, happiness and passion was to be found in it. The new universe I inhabit is simpler, more bare bones, more honest, more raw.... But it is also excruciatingly, gratingly painful at times. The realities of this world are plain to me now. The truths of our existence get under my skin in a real way. I am no longer running to a bottle of any sort for solace; I'm facing the shit head on. And it's fucking hard, man.

Echoing the quote--leaving behind even unhealthy behavior has its melancholy. I find myself wondering sometimes, that perhaps it was easier in the past,
not being so aware of my emotions... It was certainly easier to socialize indiscriminately; to get into relationships, to do various things that are expected
of us in this society... Now, I find myself resisting and resenting, kicking and screaming at every turn. Even though I'm more at peace with myself, I am by no means peaceful.

I'm saying goodbye to a lot of dark times, but there were bright and shiny moments scattered throughout. Perhaps that is indeed the hardest thing to come to terms with; that with almost everything in life, there is a distinct 'both are true.'
The light and the dark coexist, always, in varying degrees. Though I desperately want to, I can't label things and people, and put them in a box, because reality is more complicated than that. The only thing I know for sure is that I can't go back. And however much I reflect on it, in the end, my present looks a whole lot better anyway.

2011-08-05T23:38:00.000-04:00

I am in absorption mode right now, and find my head a bit scattered.
Therefore, instead of rambling about something I have not entirely grasped,
I will again share with you a passage from Diane Dreher's book, The Tao of Inner Peace, which I have been immersing myself in.

There's an old story of a man who approached the Buddha, asking the secret of happiness.
"Did you eat breakfast?" asked the Buddha.
"Yes, master," answered the young man, wondering if the answer was so simple.
"Did you wash your bowl?" the Buddha continued.
"Yes, master," the young man answered again.
"Did you do a good job?" the Buddha asked.
Then the man realized the answer was in the present moment. Happiness comes from attending to whatever we're doing, knowing that in our smallest action we affirm our beliefs.

Finding value in the everyday requires self-discipline. Moving in harmony, sitting
up straight, listening intently, speaking honestly and being present in all we do, takes consistent concentration...
Man, I'm so not there yet. But it's something I aspire to, and will work toward, one day at a time... I mean, what's the alternative?

2011-07-29T14:49:00.000-04:00

Every now and then, I get dragged down by negative voices in my head, judgmental and regretful of some of the choices I've made. There's a perfectionist side to me, that wants to be doing everything in a neat progression, with clear vision, tying all the
loose ends as I go, everything in its right place; never hurting anyone, including myself. Unfortunately, life tends to not be as simple as that. The reality often is this:
I make messes of different sizes, and then I clean them up, learning to not make the same mess next time. (Though even that's debatable.) Perhaps the trick is that we learn to clean up quicker? Or clean up as we go...?

I sometimes forget that this is all a process, and that we're all going at it at our own pace. At times I look at other people with some envy; those who seem to have put it all together at a very young age. Successful, visionary people, living a prosperous life, doing what they are here to do, giving the illusion that they are not making any of the aforementioned messes.

I've been reading a book by Diane Dreher, called The Tao of Inner Peace. It puts a slightly different spin on this:

"Our lives, as well, have their cycles. Some people are early bloomers, at their peak in high school and their early twenties. Springing up like corn stalks in the hot summer days, they come to harvest in one short season.

Others grow more slowly. Watching the corn stalks shoot up above them, they lose heart, wondering if they'll ever harvest anything of value. The seventeenth-century poet John Milton wrote a sonnet despairing of how little he'd accomplished by age 23. Yet at 59 he published Paradise Lost, the greatest epic in the English language.

While a corn stalk comes to harvest in one short season, an oak tree takes years to mature. But then it towers above the cornfield, its branches reaching towards the sky, bearing fruit for many a season."

A corn stalk is no better than an oak tree; an oak tree is no better than the corn stalk. They're just different, with a different purpose, and there's a place for each. The way I see it, the messes I'm making, (and the clean-up afterwards) are the growth rings in my oak tree. However painful the experiences were, they end up becoming a part of the beautiful whole. Judgment and regret are needless here.

2011-07-22T13:49:00.000-04:00

I have spent most of this last year avoiding people. No joke.
I guess I just had to get my head straight, after so many years of listening to others instead of myself. But I believe my reclusive phase is gradually ending now. How so? I joined the fuckin' YMCA!

Because of the way I grew up, I had gotten into a dynamic of submission with pretty much everyone in my life. It never even occurred to me that I had a right to voice my feelings, or stick up for myself... So much so, that I eventually stopped recognizing my emotions. I did what I was told to, I went where I was told to; The Nothing had taken over me... I'm still learning to kick this pattern of behavior, but I'm Very aware of it now.

I find it almost impossible to watch videos of myself, from even a couple of years back. Who is this girl with the blank stare--disconnected, scared and sad? I don't recognize her at all, anymore. Considering the convictions and the fire that I have these days, I find it excruciating, that I can't shake that girl into waking up. Watching myself, it looks like nobody's home. And unfortunately, having lived through it, I actually know that's mostly the case. I was suppressing my whole persona.

I am going to quote the frickin' United States Declaration of Independence here, written primarily by a dude named Thomas Jefferson:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Though we are still, as individuals, and as a whole, in the process of learning what the above statement really means, (Thomas Jefferson didn't even fully comprehend it himself....) I believe we are moving in the right direction.
And as for me personally, I will no longer be scared of people. I know that I can stick up for myself. Now that I know I have the right to.
Off to the YMCA; back into community.-->

2011-07-15T14:27:00.002-04:00

I'm finding such joy in art right now; in being an artist. I look at my guitars, hung up on my wall: my Hofner bass, my Fender Telecaster, my acoustic Epiphone guitar, and I feel a deep connection to them. Although I am new to playing these instruments, I feel like I have a sensibility, my own style of doing it, much like I have my own way of singing. It is very gratifying--having those hypnotic moments of being in the zone--playing music; creating a beautiful sonic tapestry and just feeling like I want to lie down in it...to wrap myself up in it..

Even though I've been a professional artist over half of my life, I was always encouraged to think that mine is not a real job. I was even brainwashed to think, that I would never measure up to the real artists, who "actually know what they are doing." (What?) I always had this nagging feeling in the back of my brain, that I should be studying to be a _______ or a(n)________. Probably because I was told, again and again, that I should get that aforementioned "real job." What the fuck in this world is a real job, if mine isn't, I ask you?
"We find that we live on an insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe in which there are far more galaxies than people. " -Carl Sagan
Keeping that in mind, can anyone please explain to me, why anyone should be doing anything other than what they love to do???

While I never did go to school to study _______, thinking that I was doomed trying to be an artist was painful and paralyzing. It was only last year that I finally gathered up the nerve to declare to myself and to my family, finally, that this in fact who I am. I Am a fucking artist. Goddammit.

Since then, things have changed for me. I have taken control of my destiny, and dedicated myself to the pursuit of art, as much as has been humanly possible. I'm still pissed off at myself for having allowed others to steer me off course. I'm even more pissed off at them for trying to do that in the first place! But I'm grateful that I had the courage to make the choices that have put me back on my path...

"I have spent my life learning how to choose to do what I had no choice but to do." -Ursula K. Le Guin

2011-07-08T15:16:00.003-04:00

Friends, I bought my first bass yesterday! My new companion is a Höfner "violin bass", a.k.a. the Beatle bass, similar to the one used by Paul McCartney throughout his career. I have to say, it's Pretty Fuckin' Cool!

Getting my own bass, learning to play it, and utilizing it as a tool to create the vision for my next record requires some balls. I don't know that I'd be quite as brave at this point, were it not for the encouragement and support that I'm receiving right now. To have a constant positive voice in my life is priceless. A person who recognizes my talent, my intelligence and my musicianship; a person who fans my flames of interest into passion towards life and discovery... Having a mentor (or quite honestly, more than one) is completely altering my life.

Being supportive to another requires that one is comfortable in his or her own skin, and that seems to be a rare quality... Most of us have had so many negative messages coming at us since childhood, that we often find it threatening when others possess gifts or talents that we'd like to have as well. Instead of being energized and positively motivated by that twinge of jealousy (which would be way smarter...), it is common for us people to be passively aggressive towards those that we actually
admire. I'm sure most of us have had to deal with this in one way or another...

Two nights ago I watched one of the best films, that I've ever seen: a beautifully shot documentary about Patti Smith called Dream Of Life. Watching this film, that followed her life intimately over 11 years, I could have easily chosen to be threatened and discouraged by the scope of Patti Smith's artistry, her power and her myriad talents... Instead, I chose to be inspired. I want to find a way, little by little, to make my life as meaningful and artistic in its own way. Nope, I will never be Patti Smith. (Nor will she ever be Bob Dylan, who she clearly admires very much..) But I am able to truly appreciate her uniqueness and her talents now, as I'm finally recognizing and getting comfortable with my own. Having positive people for support and guidance makes all the difference. I blow a kiss of gratitude to the breeze.......

2011-07-01T15:48:00.000-04:00

I'm enjoying the fact that there are so many threads in my life these days. Whether it's the threads of work, relationships, home, or a sense of personal contribution, I feel like I'm weaving them all together to create a deliberate design... I'm creating a fabric, a picture, of who I am and who I want to be. For the first time, I've picked out the threads and yarns myself, and it is quite exciting to see the image that is emerging...

This picture looks very different from the one that I was weaving before. In the past, it was all pretty tangled up and messy, even with so many fewer threads to work with. For a while there, all my strings were wound around somebody else's finger... Turns out, that's not a very productive place to be. So, we use scissors, and we start again.

According to Carl Sagan, even if one was able to time-travel, it would probably be pretty hard to change the course of history by changing just one thing. Apparently this is because of all the different threads going on at any given time, e.g. biological, economic, sociopolitical... These create a complex and dense weave that is not so easily unraveled.

I like to think that with our lives, it could be the same way. If we build our lives around one thing, we are easily shattered by change and events beyond our control. If instead, we decide to make our lives rich with meaning on many fronts, we won't come undone so easily. I doubt that I will ever have to cut up all my threads and start from scratch again. I may decide to add/change colors or textures, some strings may be cut, but I have a solid base now to build on top of. Tangles be gone.

2011-06-24T12:51:00.002-04:00

To me it is obvious that nothing in this world operates on its own. It's true for everything... Legs are good for running, but trying to do it with just one leg--not so easy.

It is slightly unnerving that there are so many separate moving parts in every given...well...thing. For example, this week I discovered, that in order to have good self-esteem, I'd need to be comfortable in my skin in All Areas of my life. It's not enough just to be confident in one, or even most. If I put myself down in one area of my life, it trickles down to everything else that I do. It's good to be aware of one's weaknesses, but it's another thing all together, to be needlessly insecure. But that shit can be worked on, thankfully.

I've suffered from a lot of abuse from a lot of people in my life, but I'm breaking the cycle now. Through coming to terms with my own abuse, I've become very sensitive to evidence of it around me. Whether it's racism, or cultural, religious or dogmatic oppression...I see evidence of it every time I get on the subway here in New York. When you open your eyes to something, it's almost impossible not to see it.

One area where I'm particularly sensitive to abuse is the environment. If we weren't so abused in our own lives, I don't think we'd be so quick to do it to the environment either. Abuse creates anger, disconnect and mindlessness, among other sucky things. The worst part about abuse, is that it doesn't stop once the abuser is no longer around. It becomes our reality--it continues on in our heads and we pass it forward. How are we going to be kind to the environment, if we can't even be kind to ourselves?

The reason why being kind to nature is important, is that we can't live without it. The weather is already starting to turn against us, with unprecedented storms, floods, fires and droughts due to global warming... According to an article written by Al Gore for Rolling Stone-magazine, there is a "constant dumping of 90 million tons of heat-trapping emissions into the Earth's thin shell of atmosphere every 24 hours." That's abuse if anything is!

I'm not trying to paint a picture of doom and gloom here. I have a lot of hope, although I know that this issue is urgent for all of us. These days, I regularly ask myself the question: What can I do as an individual to be kinder to our planet, and to help heal it? This blog is one thing that I'm doing. I am, needless to say, trying to connect with you. I don't write this only for myself, even though I do find it very therapeutic.
This quote comes to mind:

What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult to each other? -George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans), novelist (1819-1880)

Through my own experience in this world, what I see, is that being kinder to ourselves, will inevitably lead to us to being kinder to everything that surrounds us: the nature, other people, animals... Becoming aware, if or when we are abusing ourselves is key.
We are all connected. One leg can't run without the other.

2011-06-17T12:25:00.000-04:00

"If you want to work on your art, work on your life" - Anton Chekhov

These days, I regularly surprise myself with what I am capable of, both on a personal, and on an artistic level. Where was all this *fill in the blank* hiding before?? Answer: underneath a load of crap that I've sifted through.

There are so many more layers of understanding and capacity in a human being than most of us realize. We unconsciously understand our truth in every situation, so lying to ourselves will eventually fuck us up. You can fool some of yourself some of the time, but you can't fool all of yourself all of the time. Your body and spirit always know what's really going on, even if your mind doesn't. Makes sense to become more conscious of the unconscious then, doesn't it?

I've put some devotion into working on my life this past year.. As a result, I am a better singer, a better songwriter and a better musician than ever before. I am, most certainly also, a better performer. My life and my art are utterly intertwined, completely connected. Getting to know who I am, finding out my strengths and weaknesses, allows me to walk a straighter line towards my goals. No longer distracted by what's presented as 'trendy! cool! must-have! must-be!' at any given time, I'm better able to pick out the things that interest and inspire me. Most of the hype simply isn't relevant to me.

There's no need to measure up to anything, our own personal truth is all. Our interests are as varied as our personalities, and that's a beautiful thing. Why try to fit into some ideal format of who we "should" be? Who the fuck is defining who we should be, anyway? And what does it say about me that I've been listening to peppy, Mexican disco-music from my favorite video game, Little Big Planet, all week? I don't much care. It's where I'm at.

2011-06-10T09:49:00.000-04:00

This week, I resolve to think less (and to live more).
That just about sums it up for me today...

"The world can only be grasped by action, not by contemplation. The hand is the cutting edge of the mind." -Jacob Bronowski

2011-06-03T19:13:00.004-04:00

"All this buttoning and unbuttoning..." read an anonymous 18th-century suicide note. I can relate. Life can get pretty tiresome at times, with all this raveling and unraveling... Apparently the word ravel even means the same thing as unravel, in addition to meaning the opposite of it. So there you go. I'm talking about those times, when you really feel like you're getting somewhere, and then consequently finding yourself back, seemingly, at square one.

One of my favorite movies is The Groundhog Day, starring Bill Murray. I think it perfectly portrays the essence of what we're dealing with, when it comes to life, provided we're not in the middle of a natural disaster, for example. Every day is essentially the same, if we decide to live it that way. Every day, we have a million choices on what to do with our lives, and yet often we choose to do what we've always done, because it feels safer.

I have a disorder that is known as PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder. I have lived with it for most of my life. A lot of the fear that I'm pushing through has become inbuilt, and I can hardly remember living without it. That's why this process called life has been extra-challenging for me. But I am choosing to do like Bill Murray (once he gets over his frustration)... Like him, I have decided to build healthy routines on top of healthy routines and I trust that one of these days, I'll wake up next to Andie McDowell. (You know...that being the symbolic equivalent of it.)
Apparently the truth is, we get better. We really do. We just need to decide to do so, one day at a time.

2011-05-27T13:59:00.003-04:00

I am not one to want to leave conflicts unresolved, though I often have in the past.
I've been too scared to bring up things that have hurt me, for fear of being hurt again... So after a while, I've just let things slide. Unfortunately, unresolved conflicts stay with you--locked in all kinds of boxes in the unconscious. Then, when another conflict arises, the anger is doubled, tripled, quadrupled--because it gets
aggravated by all those other, earlier hurts... Those seemingly secure, locked boxes open all at once, causing one to want to retaliate, often not proportionally....

Confrontation is (still) scary to me. So far, I have not come across many people, who are able to talk through a conflict without re-injuring me. The goal is, that one day in the future, I'll be able to dodge bullets flying at me, like Neo in the Matrix. Or better yet, stop them entirely..! This week, I find that sitting with my emotions, for however long it takes for me to make sense of them, is healthier than acting on my anger straight away. I am still far from being able to dodge a bullet and I know it. I'm also trying not to shoot anyone myself.

Figuring out how I feel about the hurt, considering the best way to bring it up and to talk about it, may take days, weeks possibly. It is not wimpy--it actually feels quite powerful. As long as I'm not able to call some people out on their shit in the moment, I'll sleep on it, sit on it, and do it later, as well as I possibly can. At its best, resolving conflicts can be incredibly beautiful and purifying. I have been lucky enough to experience this, more than a few times now...

“The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results.”
-Carl Gustav Jung

2011-05-20T12:04:00.002-04:00

For half of my life, I've had this misconception that I'm lazy. I've beat myself up about it royally every chance I've gotten. Seems rather sad now that I realize that I'm anything but lazy. I have merely been fearful. See, getting to know oneself is imperative!

What I discovered this week, is that one of the reasons for my perceived laziness, is extremely high goals. Goals, that require a lot of work to attain. I have actually felt quite paralyzed by what I'm working towards, as I've felt like I'm so far from where I want to be.... I have often had this thought: "well, what's the point?" I've been intimidated and scared to do the work, because I've felt like nothing is enough.

I found this amazing book on Sunday, called "One Small Step Can Change Your Life" by Robert Maurer. Until now, I've incorporated changes into my life through huge innovations... I've been attempting to change my life completely in one day. I've struggled through these phases, through an immense built-in resistance. Sometimes it's worked, but often it has not. Changing myself like this has required an enormous amount of courage and resilience on my part... Now, I realize that the process doesn't have to be that arduous.

Robert Maurer's book instructs me, that if I incorporate tiny changes into my life every day, I'm able to tiptoe around the fight-or-flight response in my brain, which follows every departure from my usual safe routines. This is true for all of us, and is a life-altering realization for me. I don't have to be scared about doing the work I want to do anymore, because I can start doing it in Very small increments. I have certainly been headed this way in my soul-searchings, but reading this book really speeded up my understanding. I whole-heartedly recommend it.
Hehe.... I feel like I just gave some frickin' book report... Well whatever. I like to share.

When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stone-cutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it would split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before together. -Jacob A. Riis, journalist and social reformer (1849-1914)

2011-05-13T16:15:00.005-04:00

I'd like to harken back to the toolbox of emotional tools, that I mentioned a couple of weeks ago... As one hacks away at the stuff in life, one gets so tired sometimes, that all one can handle is a pair of tweezers. Even lifting up the hammer is a chore. But this is a valid phase, and the tweezers are a valid tool, I say. Seems to me, that if you keep hacking at the big things at all times, you will miss the splinter. Take the splinter out, even the bigger things get easier.

I've been disregarding the splinters of my life a lot, because I thought they were insignificant. I learned to live with many "small" annoyances, because I was taught it was sissy of me to get so worked up about "a little splinter." So I walked around with many. But here's the thing about splinters: they hurt, and thus they take up a lot space in the mind. Plus, they can get infected. Better to take care of problems while they are still small, is what I now think. It is justified and healthy. The little things is what the big picture consists of.

The way I see it, is that if anything hinders my journey at this point, or slows me down in my quest, it has got to go. However much work it may take me to get rid of them (and provided these are things that I can actually control).

As I address the issue of the splinters, I feel like for the first time I may have a fair fight ahead of me. Seriously. It almost feels like I'm starting over...
*gathers tools and gets back to work*

2011-05-06T13:10:00.000-04:00

I have decided to ban the word 'should' from my vocabulary. Nothing good has ever come from it. Using it in any context immediately makes me feel like I'm failing at **fill in the blank**. Not quite reaching what I'm aiming for...

Should has possibly been one of my most frequently used words, in thoughts, and in speech. I know I didn't come up with it on my own... Instead, I have been bombarded with it my whole life, as I'm sure a lot of us have. How powerless it makes me feel! And not to mention the fact, that any time I should on myself, I immediately go into resistance mode. When I should on myself, I can hardly get anything done. Even if I should on myself with something that I normally like doing! I believe that my tendency to should, is one of the reasons, that I often start working on songwriting, when I'm walking in the park. There's no 'should' in that moment. Rather, I'm free. And creativity lives in freedom, not in rigidity.

Turns out should can be replaced by "I would like to." I feel quite noticeably more energized, when I spin it like this. Plus, it gives me a choice to not push myself when I don't feel like it.

Apparently, it takes 90 days to kick a bad habit and to learn a new, healthier habit. Yo, I'm like 5 days in already! Today, instead of shoulding myself on the work-front, I think I'll head over to the museum and fill my artistic well. I would very much like to.

2011-04-29T13:09:00.004-04:00

My buttons have been pressed many times this past week.
It took me a while to recognize what those buttons do to me,
as at the initial pressing, I merely felt numb. Thus, it is not the act itself that fucks me up, but the reaction it creates within me in the long term. That's why I've found it so hard to place the source of the hurt...

It is those automated negative responses, that are the problem. These mechanisms, that are so hard-wired into my system, that they are very challenging to undo.
But undo them I must. It is in my power. I will not live my life allowing others
to manipulate me and make me feel like I owe them something. I am in no debt to anyone. No one is. People who try to put us into that position are attempting to control, and that is really fucking unhealthy.

So, this week I've been re-learning some things that it turns out I hadn't quite absorbed yet. Thankfully, the lag time seems to be a little shorter these days.
I'm choosing to look at the button-pressing as an opportunity for growth.
The goal, I guess, is to have no buttons at all.

"The important thing is not the finding, it is the seeking, it is the devotion with which one spins the wheel of prayer and scripture, discovering the truth little by little. If this machine gave you the truth immediately, you would not recognize it, because your heart would not have been purified by the long quest."
-Ursula K. LeGuin

2011-04-22T10:10:00.001-04:00

This story hits home for me on many levels... It is an excerpt from The Four Agreements, a book by Don Miguel Ruiz. For me, one of the hardest things in life is learning how to balance things, and not to overdo it; I get very impatient sometimes... Here's a reminder to try to take it a little bit easier:

There was a man who wanted to transcend his suffering, so he went to a Buddhist temple to find a master to help him. He went to the Master and asked, "Master, if I meditate four hours a day, how long will it take me to transcend?"

The Master looked at him and said, "If you meditate four hours a day, perhaps you will transcend in ten years."

Thinking he could do better, the man then said, "Oh, what if I meditated eight hours a day, how long will it take me to transcend?"

The Master looked at him and said, "If you meditate eight hours a day, perhaps you will transcend in twenty years."

"But why will it take me longer if I meditate more?" the man asked.

The Master replied, "You are not here to sacrifice your joy or your life. You are here to live, to be happy, and to love. If you can do your best in two hours of meditation, but you spend eight hours instead, you will only grow tired, miss the point, and you won't enjoy your life. Do your best, and perhaps you will learn that no matter how long you meditate, you can live, love, and be happy."

2011-04-15T16:37:00.005-04:00

It is becoming increasingly clear to me, that in order to remain sane in this world, one needs a variety of emotional tools. It really makes sense if you think about it: it is not enough to use a hammer for every job, as there are many different issues and problems we need to tackle. So, we need: hand tools! power tools! wrenches! welders! a sponge! glue! Ok, you get the picture...

The last couple of weeks have been hard for me, because I've been learning to use tools that I haven't handled before. What invariably has happened in the past, is that once I find a new tool, I drop every other one I've ever acquired. (Example: I discover anger, then proceed to be blinded by anger for a full week, and more...)
Then, when I've realized that the new tool is not the answer to all my problems, I usually get frustrated and scared and lose my mojo for a couple of days. Well, after last week's momentary hopeless slump, I started trying something different: how about I use all of these tools I've acquired?? At the same time, or whenever I need them? Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?

Truthfully, it's required me getting well acquainted with all these tools separately, before I'm actually able to do some serious damage, by using them all. There are no shortcuts and no quick fixes. Lessons are learned gradually, in their own time, and with experience. To be able to hack away at my life, in the manner that I'm doing right now, has taken a lot of work on my part.

Many of the tools that I'd acquired until this last year, were twisted, mangled and rendered useless. I could just throw most of them away--just like that. But I now have a new kit, and this shit works. I can certainly be better at utilizing them, but I'll learn. One day at a time. And perhaps there are still some super-tools out there waiting, undiscovered. Well, I look forward to finding them, and learning to use them too. Life is exciting.

2011-04-08T19:59:00.006-04:00

Much of what I'm going through right now is a developmental phase that apparently is usually experienced around ages 13 to 20. Circumstances got in the way of my emotional development back then, but luckily, it seems it's never too late to get to know oneself. (!) It is quite possibly the most important thing one could do in one's life. The only way we could ever live up to our own potential, I think.

It occurred to me this week that I've never really thought through what I actually believe in. My religious experience in this world has been a vague hodgepodge of deities and belief systems going in and out of my consciousness throughout my life. I've delved/dabbled in Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, New Age, even atheism, but none of it stuck. So what do I believe in, Truly? I suppose when I started thinking about it, I was expecting to to discover that I am an atheist. It seemed natural, with all this interest in science I have these days... But in truth, I am quite
possibly the opposite of that. Turns out, I am a pantheist.

As I google Pantheism, this is what I find: "Pantheism is the view that the Universe (Nature) and God are identical." In other words, to me, All is God. Every frickin' thing and being, no-thing and non-being in this universe and beyond.

I no longer wonder why so much of Marcus Aurelius' Meditations speaks so directly to my soul, and why I've felt so connected to Stoicism; why I've recently fallen in love with the writings of the poet Robinson Jeffers, and also Lao Tzu, whose Way Of Life I have been studying... All of them are apparently pantheistic. It feels strangely like home, finding this thread.

Going with my gut is the closest thing I know to doing "God's will," following the logos, going with the flow of life...
To do that, I'm trying to silence all the other voices inside my head.
Every day now, I can hear my own voice a little louder than before...

"Straight, not straightened." -Marcus Aurelius

2011-04-01T10:12:00.001-04:00

Man, I'm having trouble deciding between two things I want to write about, that are both extremely important to me. I've had one of them breakthrough weeks again..... Eenie Meanie Miney Moe:

I was in kung fu class last night and the conversation suddenly turned to the nuclear disaster ongoing in Japan. Then it continued flowing through other bleak environmental issues....Someone described humanity as a cancer... Hmm. I've heard it described as a virus before. This is interesting....what kills cancer? "Radiation," someone piped up. That got a dark laugh out of us.

But I started thinking about this in more depth. I can certainly see the similarity. We are indeed cells of this organism, turned against it's host, and thereby itself.
We are frickin' lung cancer, killing the trees that provide us oxygen. The bare tree-branches even remind me of lungs in the winter, with their veins rising up into the sky. But I think this cancer has spread all over the organism by now.

True. Radiation kills cancer. But aren't there alternatives? I've heard that there are times when the cancer gets healed seemingly on its own. The cancer cells turn back into healthy cells, and once again start assisting the organism, instead of attacking it. Isn't that possible here?

Through my own experience of churning out muck (anger, rage, resentment, sadness) from my soul these last two weeks, I realize that the change has to happen on an individual level first. By cleaning out my own system, I have been able to start healing and gaining strength again. I am not paralyzed anymore. I am able to stand up for my rights now, one step at a time, and it seems these skills are being put to good use on a daily basis. This is me turning into a fucking healthy cell.

I think it's remarkable, that as a cell, I can understand my potentially destructive qualities. I can choose to be cancerous, or I can choose to be a part of the healthy body, fighting for renewed health. It is a gift of intelligence, to be able to realize one's own darkness, and then make the choice to go for the light.

I am a treehugger. Seriously, I want to hug trees when I go walking in Prospect Park. No lie. I feel like I'm going sane.

2011-03-25T11:00:00.000-04:00

Rage. I'm back to rage. Oh wait, I never even felt this before!
This is something else, not just the anger that I've been feeling regularly.....
Apparently there's a lot of aggression in me too. Great.
This is all a part of my little "Know Thyself"-project.

Some years ago, I took a couple of kickboxing classes and promptly stopped, as I realized that going out in the street afterward, I just wanted to kill everyone. Lol! That was a little worrisome, to say the least! But truth be told, I'm so thankful this is coming out now, as it's been there all along anyway. Me turning this shit inward has made me very weak. It's better to experience it and get it out.

There's actually a comical quality to this: as I write this, I have already twice had to to drop down and do push-ups to let off some steam. How can this feeling be so fucking overwhelming??? I finally understand the concept of anger management...
The way some people notoriously can't contain their shit at all. Yes, it is hard, I can see it now. I find myself wanting to break stuff (windows especially), kick doors, the subway (that would have been very stupid)... But, in the end, I am sane. I know that there's some benefits to be had here: muscle strength, vocal strength, rock-leaning guitar skills... I think I'll keep to the healthy stuff.

Even though killing certain people seems more tempting than ever (in the most brutal ways), I am in no danger of acting on my wild fantasies. Perhaps this is what they call trusting oneself... Perhaps this is the ultimate test for being secure in yourself... Perhaps this is it: I'm facing my own darkness! Perhaps one of these days my demons will turn in to angels...

Three sets of push-ups man, to write this.

2011-03-18T12:38:00.003-04:00

Old patterns die hard. I have become aware that many unhealthy scenarios in my life have been repeating all my life...at least, up until now. Once such a scenario in my life has come to an end, I have swiftly put myself into a very frickin' similar one. The play is the same--even the characters are the same, only the actors change... Why is familiar so comforting even when familiar is fucked up..? Because it feels normal. How am I to know what else is possible, if I have no frame of reference for it in my life?

My energy invites a similar, corresponding energy, which is why shit keeps on repeating, unless I change myself. But how do I change? When my patterns are so ingrained, that I can't even recognize them as they happen? Seems I am able to create scenes from the same messed up play from seemingly harmless ingredients..?
I think that in awareness lies the answer. Whether it's in the moment, or after the fact.

In the past I haven't realized how much power I have over situations at all times. I used to think that making a decision meant that you have to stick with it forever, and that there's no way out. That you are then merely required to make the best of whatever situation you may have put yourself into. This, I now find, is not true. We are allowed to change our minds at any point. And "no." is a complete sentence. The hardest thing is to be brave enough to change course when it feels right, or alternately, when something feels wrong.

I'm creating a different play now. It's still quite confusing, as I haven't fully grasped my new role as the director... I still keep waiting for someone to tell me what's going on--to tell me what to do. But I am learning to figure it out for myself.
To be a good director, I need vision. Of my own. Motherfuckers.

2011-03-11T15:27:00.001-05:00

There are many things that excite me this week! Lots of neurons in my brain are sparking now, as I have been forming new pathways for a while. I have been feeding the Good wolf, and it is now tearing the Evil wolf into fucking pieces... And thus, a metamorphosis is taking place within my being. It is manifesting itself on the outside too. I am becoming clearer and clearer about my true identity, and it's actually visible. If I wasn't such a loner, I think people would comment...hehe...

I am actually so bursting with new energy, that it's hard for me to pick just one thread to share. I just wanna dump it all in the tiny space of my blog! After shedding so many layers of anxiety, it feels like spring in my spirit... After an endless winter, green shrubs are starting to pop up here, there, and everywhere, and shit is starting to bloom, man!

I think that one of the biggest reasons that I feel lighter right now, is the fact that I have a better understanding about the people in my life. I know now, that I can't expect to find all layers of understanding and deep connection with all the people that I love. All this time, I have been going to the hardware store for fruit, and being disappointed when I can't find it. Now, I am realizing that if I actually go there for wood and tools, it ends up being a joyous experience.

Not everyone in my life can be a Super-store for all those things that I want and need. Accepting this helps me to fully enjoy my exchanges with those around me. From now on, I will avoid getting injured by starting a conversation with a loved one,
about something they can't handle talking about. I am choosing to listen more, and will to try to find a common thread. For the last couple of weeks, I've already had some great test-runs with this. To know that the Super-stores do exist in this world, helps me enjoy my trips to the hardware store more.

2011-03-04T13:14:00.000-05:00

I was attending the annual Tibet House benefit concert yesterday at Carnegie Hall, which was actually one of the best concerts I've ever seen. Among the performers were my new friend James McCartney, Michael Stipe, The Flaming Lips, Patti Smith, The Roots and Angelique Kidjo, among others. I found almost all performances captivating and compelling... But for me, personally, Patti Smith was the highlight of the night.

I was thinking about this on my way to Carnegie Hall on the subway.... Perhaps a little hard to put into only a couple of sentences, but, the here's the gist of my thoughts: Carl Sagan said we are all made of star stuff. He said it because it is absolutely true and scientifically proven. We and everything around us originate from the stars. It is our responsibility then to understand our own star power! To see that we are perfect as we are. No need to look up to anyone, or down on anyone, as we are all made of the same stuff. It's just about making the most of who we are.

Patti Smith really hammered home this concept last night. She was totally loose, completely at home with herself. As usual, she had dressed for the occasion looking like herself: no makeup, no hair styling-business, very casual wear. It was what she had to say--in words, in music, in her presence and engagement, that spoke volumes. There was a self-assurance, and utter freedom of spirit, that I sensed in her... It was fucking powerful!

This kind of woman would have intimidated me in the past. (And in fact, I had a very scary run-in with Patti Smith when I was 18...) But now, I find her so inspiring. Among all the surgically "corrected" and blow-dried women at the after-party, she was a beautiful exception. Trusting who she is, and being true to herself creates an aura around her, a charisma that is undeniable. She doesn't need for people to validate her, she validates herself.

Patti Smith has discovered her own star power, which is rare in this world, unfortunately. I believe that we are all capable of that though. Understanding our own beauty, appreciating and trusting ourselves will make the star stuff in us burn brighter.

I end with this video. I don't know if I'm just PMS:ing or something but I just got really emotional watching it... Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGK84Poeynk

2011-02-25T12:07:00.007-05:00

One of the more important quests that I am on right now, is the quest to become green(er). Having plugged myself back into life and out of the Matrix, I am shocked at how much I keep getting bombarded with the message that we need to change and start healing our planet. It's everywhere! And the message has been out there for a long time, though I haven't really been listening. I couldn't. I was trying so hard to escape facing my own shit, that I ended up running away from the rest of reality as well. Now I am on red alert.

Going green is new to me. Most, if not all of my green lifestyle changes have happened within this year. But I feel a great urgency to do what I can on an individual level, to ease the burden on this planet. Here is where my impatience really gets in the way. I want to be good at everything straight away! (This is a challenge in all areas of my life....) When I see something that's wrong, I want to change it instantly... But the truth is, if I want to make lasting changes, it's smarter to go about it gradually, in phases. The last thing I want to do, is abuse or deprive myself. So, it's better to let information sink in slowly. Now that I know this: http://www.mediapeta.com/peta/Images/Global/peta_infographic-truthabouteating.jpg, what do I think about it? What changes do I want to make?

Once a piece of information sinks in, and you really see it, it's impossible to unsee. I'll use a really grotesque example. As a kid, most/some of us thought that boogers were delicious.... But after getting a clearer understanding of what is what, and why it's gross to eat them, you have absolutely no inclination to do it anymore... I mean, I can't help but be repulsed by what I just said. The realization of it is That strong. And most truths are. Once they sink in, they become a part of you.

I believe that gradually, I will see the whole truth about going green, and it will become second nature. I mean, a lot of it makes total sense and has already sunk in; some of it hasn't. But I trust that whatever resistance I still have, will melt away as I continue opening my eyes up to the bigger picture. Like a friend of mine often says: “You are entitled to your own opinion, but you are not entitled to your own facts.” We only have this one planet, and if we continue to mistreat it, we will destroy ourselves.
.
Suggested reading: Gorgeously Green (8 Simple Steps to an Earth-Friendly Life), by Sophie Uliano.

2011-02-19T01:58:00.001-05:00

This week has been quite awesome actually. In a really simple and peaceful way.
I can feel the layers and layers of anxiety that I've lived with most of my life, peeling away, slowly but surely. What's underneath is....well....me! Underneath is the little girl who used up all her free time in playing the piano, writing songs, drawing, singing. That's back when I was still free, in mind, in spirit. What happened next (among other fucked up things), was the school system, that in all its rottenness educated me out of my natural creativity. But I think that's a different rant for a different day....

What's cool now is that I'm writing (and finishing!!!) new songs! On my own, at long last. Throughout my career, I have mostly been collaborating as a songwriter, with only a couple of exceptions. Now, I'm doing it all on my own. I can't tell you what an obstacle it has been: the fear that I'm not good enough on my own. It's taken me a long time to get here--to believe for the first time in my life that who I am is enough. That really is key. No need to invent stories, to try to impress, to try to please. I'm not afraid to be "wrong" anymore/right now. And it's spilling out into every area of my life. Finally, I know how to leave the party when I want to, when I'm still having fun. I'm learning to move away from a conversation with a person I'm not enjoying talking to... It's all connected, isn't it? It all comes down to the simple understanding of 'who I am is enough.' I don't need to be anything that I'm not, in songwriting or in life. That's freedom. That's fucking empowering.

Turns out, it's really not about conquering the world and making zillions of dollars. (Oh, I knew that....) It never has been. Happiness and peace seem to come from simple things, falling into place... and being present to enjoy it.

"Yes, there is a nirvana; it is in leading your sheep to a green pasture, and in putting your child to sleep, and in writing the last line of your poem."
--Kahlil Gibran

2011-02-11T12:29:00.006-05:00

When I started writing this blog last year, I commented on how reclusive I was becoming. For the first time in my life, I was spending time alone, a feat that I had dreaded for most of my teenage and adult years. Spending time with myself wasn't much fun in the past, as for a long time I had been becoming very judgmental of myself: blaming, guilt-tripping, chastising... I had learned these thoughts and behaviors from others, but within my head, they became relentless and more painful, than what anybody else had ever managed to do to me. There was no way to escape myself, except through dependency on various people and substances.

As the fog is lifting, I wouldn't call myself reclusive anymore. More accurately, it turns out that I am an introvert. At least right now in my life I am. As I become kinder to myself, I happily spend most of my time on my own. Don't get me wrong, I love my close friends, though they may be fewer than before. I just find that the stronger the connection I have with myself, the deeper the feelings I am able to feel for others. And thus, my priority right now is to become whole, within me. A happy couple of sorts (with myself), so I won't need to depend on anything else or
anyone else for my happiness.

Being an artist, I always had this misconception, that I was supposed to be outgoing and 'on' all the time. The truth is that for me, being that way is only achieved through copious amounts of alcohol. So it must be, that that doesn't come naturally to me. Don't you think? How about I just go with what's true and what feels good? Why the fuck not.

Instead of right and wrong, I'm learning to think in terms of healthy versus unhealthy. We are all different, and no one rule applies, except maybe:

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."

-William Shakespeare

2011-02-04T23:28:00.001-05:00

I just got home from a magical day of exploring The Brain at the Natural History Museum, which seems to be becoming my second home these days... One of the reasons being, that one time isn't enough for me to grasp any piece of information. Shit needs to be drummed into my consciousness, over and over and over and over.... But apparently that's not just me. From what I understand, that's all of us. We have to really program information and skills into our brains for them to become automatic, or to even retain anything in long-term memory.

Throughout my life I wasn't really encouraged to think that I am intelligent. In fact, I was encouraged to think quite the opposite, partly just because I'm a woman. Unfortunately, this is the truth, even in this day and age. This last year I have started to break through that black magic and proven to myself in many ways, that my brain is capable of learning wondrous things. I am also capable of unlearning, and rewiring, which I find equally thrilling.

What I took home from the brain-exhibition was the inspiration to keep challenging myself and my brain, every day, for as long as I live. I have lost many years of my life in killing my brain cells, feeding myself useless information, watching crappy TV, reading gossipy magazines... I suppose I didn't always know that I had the capacity for better things. The good news is that now I do know better, and I have a choice!

The brain is constantly changing and evolving to fit our individual lives. It all depends on what we do with it. It's really up to us to fill our minds with thoughts and skills that we deem worthy of developing. Though it's a lot of responsibility,
I'm excited to think that our brains have endless potential--regardless of what we have been told. It's just about beginning somewhere, and staying focused, despite initial frustration. The new pathways that are formed in the brain will become stronger and more efficient with every use, and thus it all gets easier.

Here's one piece of information I am learning to absorb: "If you believe you can, you can." The pathway is already forming....

2011-01-28T11:00:00.002-05:00

It has become clear to me that I am on a spiritual (war-)path of sorts. I embarked on this journey only because my life couldn't continue going in the direction it was headed, and I knew certain things had to change. I thought that quitting drinking would do it--that it would be some sort of fix-all. Instead, it was only the beginning. The space created was quickly filled with shit, and thus began the wading through it. I never expected all the truths I'd encounter....having to alter my beliefs on pretty much everything in my life. Seeing all my relationships differently, seeing my motives differently, seeing my own actions in a completely different light. But now that I've started, there's no turning back. I wouldn't do it for anything.

Last week I got some serious poison out of my system, by way of anger. These last couple of days I've been applying ointment on my wounds. Feels good, man. I'm being uncharacteristically patient about all of this, and that feels good too. I'm taking my time, trying not to rush through it, or push myself. There's nothing more important that I could be doing right now.

This book that I just started reading, The Other Wind by Ursula K. Le Guin, is inspiring, in that the characters aren't just doing and achieving at all times. For example, there's this dude who has just arrived to deliver some grave news to the Archmage, and they decide to wait until the next day to talk about it. (!!!) First, they have bread and cheese and onions... And then they sleep. And then they have breakfast (a similar meal), and only after that, do they get into the heavy shit. I mean, I can respect that. We can't handle heavy shit at all times, (especially after a long journey). We gotta have some cheese and bread first. And onions.
I leave you with a quote from the book:

"So rest a while. We can talk in the cool of the evening. Or the cool of the morning. There's seldom as much hurry as I used to think there was."

2011-01-21T10:57:00.000-05:00

I am in full anger mode. I'm living the movie Kill Bill in my head, pretty much 24/7, starring me. And every asshole in my life so far is quite literally getting a taste of my Hattori Hanzō swords. I have two! Again, this is all happening in my head and I am not about to harm anyone in real life. (I can tell the difference between the two, which, as we know, is not a given...) In this case, my gory, homicidal thoughts are actually a release, and totally healthy. It is what came before that was unhealthy.

I am not a good girl. Deep inside I never was, even though I'm sure I fit the definition for most of my life. (I believe the definition is to put everyone else's needs before one's own..? Or letting others do that for you.) In truth, I don't believe there is such a thing as a good girl or a good boy. Nobody is 'domesticated' that way naturally. Instead, we are made to be that way, by our parents, our peers, our teachers, our culture, even our spouses.

I think the good girls and good boys of this world have more unexpressed anger than everyone else, and they're probably seething inside. I sure am. It is actually more cause for concern to be one, because these people get used and abused at every turn. A good girl ends up having to do many naughty things to please others.... And that creates a lot of anger, which, if left suppressed, can cause A Lot of damage to the one carrying it around. (Doing good is a separate thing all together. I bet you Mother Teresa was a feisty woman, and definitely not, a 'good girl.')

The irony is that in my good girl-days, I was doing more bad things than I'm doing now. These days, I am living quite clean. The difference is, I'm allowing myself to be human, and I'm learning to listen to my emotions. I'm staying honest and true to myself, learning to not be dependent on others' opinions or reactions. I'm taking risks and allowing myself to make mistakes....and I'm allowing myself to completely and utterly demolish certain people in my head. I am human.

2011-01-14T11:49:00.005-05:00

Much on my mind.... I'm seeing the connectedness in so many things I didn't realize were connected before. Truth is, everything is. I've been going through a brain-revolution this week. I don't look at anything (or anyone) quite the same way anymore. At the risk of alienating my reader, I'm just gonna get this out of my system. It feels important.

I've been watching renowned astronomer and author Carl Sagan's Cosmos-series this week; educating myself on the universe, Earth, space travel, time travel and U-man beings (as Mr. Sagan would say...hehe...). Beyond exciting, beyond fascinating! All these prospects of discovery of new worlds and new life, of ourselves..... I have so much belief in our capacities--how far we could stretch and evolve, if we give ourselves the chance. How far we have already come! If we do not destroy ourselves, we will be able to travel to the stars. (!!!) I believe this species has what it takes to become Highly Evolved. We are discoverers, adventurers by heart--not warmongers!

Here comes the wild connection. There are those amongst us (1 in 25 people), who have no conscience--towards other people, or towards Earth itself. This is fact. I have been very blind to this all my life, and always assumed the best about everyone. I've tried my hardest to explain away the evil behavior of certain people close to me, thinking that there must a reason, an explanation. I have learned this week, that the explanation in some cases is that they actually don't have feelings, the way the rest of us do. (Suggested reading: The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout)

Because it is so hard to spot these characters, the safest thing to do, is to learn to use one's reasoning skills. To know oneself thoroughly, so as not to be swayed by manipulation. To question authority when needed, as you never know, who's running the show. We need to learn to do this individually, and as a whole. We can't afford to be intimidated--to have some sociopath tell us that there's no global warming for example, and to keep consuming as we are doing. It's serving their individual purposes, not us U-man beings as a whole. Those of us lucky enough to have been blessed with a conscience--need to think for ourselves, feel for ourselves and take responsibility, more than ever before.

People without a conscience, left unchecked, have the capacity to destroy us all. I vote for reason, courage and heart. Seriously, I just want to see us build a really fucking cool spaceship.

2011-01-07T15:33:00.002-05:00

I got very excited about New Year this time around. I got this crazy spurt of energy and decided to change my life completely. Hehe.... I was gonna be extra-organized, extra-diligent, extra-motivated, extra-fast, extra-everything... I was trying to reach a goal that is simply unattainable: some sort of Perfection in my life. The irony is, that within a week of me being all extra-effective, I have totally overdone it. I didn't give myself enough time to steep and think and appreciate all that I had accomplished. Now I'm feeling fried and frustrated, and very high-strung. There's no life in all that hectic running around and achieving. There's no creativity. There's just anxiety, and I'm just about done with that, thank you very much.

So, I think there's one more resolution I should make for the New Year. I am to be more compassionate towards myself--allowing myself enough time to center myself, to listen to how I'm feeling, what I am thinking... not just press on mindlessly.

I think the trouble with most of us, especially here in the States, is that we don't have enough examples of a balanced life. We are constantly bombarded with the message, that we are to work hard and make lots of money and buy shit. That's why we have to work doubly hard at reminding ourselves of what really matters....

Well. I opt for sanity. I opt for health and I opt for balance. I bet you I'll be more effective in the long run if I learn to pace myself. Fuck perfection.

2010-12-31T16:16:00.003-05:00

Perspective used to be but a fleeting moment for me. One of those random realizations that passes through, where you are suddenly struck by the notion that this is indeed not, a dress rehearsal. I have access to that understanding on a more constant basis now. Perhaps because I seek it out myself.

On my birthday on Tuesday, I went to see Hubble, the IMAX-show at the Museum of Natural History. http://www.amnh.org/calendar/event/Hubble/
Somehow, all that I saw on that big screen of our universe and of our planet, has stayed with me this time. Yes, I get obsessed by minutiae, but at least I have images in my head of what's out there... Flashback-like, as I walk outside and look at the sky... These thoughts and images used to freak the shit out of me, but right now I'm finding them increasingly calming. Through them, I am reminded that I am absolutely responsible for my own life. A thought that has always filled me with dread, now feels empowering.

Seeing our beautiful planet from afar also struck me in another way... (The crazy snow storm we had in New York on Sunday may have strengthened the effect.) It's becoming more and more obvious, how very limited capacity we as people have to cope with a changing climate. !!! Shit needs to start changing. Very fucking quickly. The planet will be ok in the long run. We won't.

We are of no consequence to the universe. But I like to think we are meaningful, and that we have the potential for greatness. I for one am looking forward to making the individual changes needed to preserve the environment. It's all a matter of breaking habits, which is certainly challenging...but totally doable. And possibly exciting at the same time..? Yes!

The following is a passage I saw whilst at the Natural History Museum. I find it appropriate with my thoughts/rant this week. With it, I wish you a wonderful year 2011!

“Treat the Earth well. It was not given to you by your parents. It was loaned to you by your children” Kenyan Proverb

2010-12-24T12:12:00.002-05:00

I write this, as I listen to Paul McCartney's Ram On... (And Dear Boy, following!) Oh my God. So beautiful!!! And unfortunately, so short.... *presses repeat*

For everything that I'm thinking or feeling right now, there is a conflicting, opposite emotion happening at the same time. All this year I've come to realize that everything is gray area. "Both are true" is one of the more profound wisdoms I've come to understand through my experiences. Even if I wished everything to be black and white... It makes for a lot of confusion. Argh.

All is slowing down this time of year, including my brain. Being that it's impossible to make sense of anything right now, I declare this "steeping time." I will wait. I will be patient. And in time, the bigger picture will present itself. I don't have to figure out anything today. Just eat. And enjoy the moment with my friends. Confusion and enjoyment can coexist. Both are true. :)

Merry Xmas!!!

2010-12-18T09:48:00.001-05:00

I feel very peaceful right now.
This is a new experience for me, as it is not how I used to feel coming back from Finland, my home country.

This time, I was only there for a few days, and I hardly told anyone about my trip. I spent all my time with my family, with whom I am realigning my relationships. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has a tendency of turning twelve, any time they're around their family..? (Funnily enough, a similar thing occurs at school reunions....) The dynamic is so old, and so stagnant, and very restricting... Unless one changes drastically, as I have during this year.

My change seems to affect every relationship I've had, especially the close ones. A person's change requires adjustment from everyone around them... Sometimes I get disappointed, as it is obvious that I am not as enticing to some, as I used to be...
And thus I end up losing friends. But at the same time, I'm attracting and getting to know a wholly new type of person. One that wasn't a part of my previous experience at all.

But in the case of my family--I am not about to lose any of them. On the contrary, I am hoping to build a healthier, stronger relationship with all of them. One where I don't feel the need to revert to a childlike state, in order to fit in. Even in the case of family, there is no need to fit in. One can remain a mature Individual even in that surrounding. (Yes! It is possible!!!) And possibly in the process, end up inspiring positive change in others and a new natural flow of things.

This is what I learned this week. And honestly, it is one of the biggest lessons I've learned this whole year. Though in the end I know that this peace I feel, is hard-earned. All the pieces of the puzzle so far, were required, for me to now see what I see.

2010-12-10T12:50:00.000-05:00

People can do many vicious things unconsciously. The motivation behind these acts are horrific sometimes... It makes one wonder--how can the doer not be aware of them? How do they continue running away from/denying their dark side, when they are causing so much pain around them? How do they not see this? How do they not see the consequences of their actions?

This week I have been trying my hand at forgiveness. Not for their sake, but for mine. I don't want to be carrying this shit around, as it does me no good. And actually, it hurts me. So, I googled how to forgive. Apparently you can google anything. hehe. http://www.wikihow.com/Forgive
I have to say that I feel a lot better, if I concentrate on my life in the here and now, and going forward, as opposed to spending all my energy on hate.

This is the essence of what I learned: "The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."Guess which category I'm going to place myself in.

2010-12-03T13:29:00.000-05:00

I dreamed last night that I was having a drink at a bar, whilst telling someone that I haven't been drinking for 10 months. To which I added, "but you know, I'll have a drink every now and then, with friends." The first part is actually true.

I was pretty traumatized by this dream, because it reminded me of a certain peer pressure I used to feel. How I'd do most things in my life, just to please others. I was horrified that I'd succumbed to it, once again. My biggest fear in life, at this point, is that somehow I end up losing myself again. After all this hard work that I've done to put myself together, to become independent and strong...that I was to lose it all? I will not allow that to happen! (Even though unfortunately it frequently happens in my dreams. The wound is very deep.)

It's like Frodo, in the Lord of The Rings...having been stabbed by the Nazgul. (hehe...I watched a marathon this week...) That shit never goes away. Those wounds are a part of you, and they color your view on life, people, the world. That, I suppose, is part of what makes us unique: we all have different wounds. Perhaps they are to serve as good reminders not to make the same mistake three times.

2010-11-26T16:04:00.003-05:00

I think that most of us are brought up to believe that it is important to please others, to be agreeable. Many of us have the illusion that it is more important to make friends with others, than it is to make friends with ourselves. Well, I certainly bought into that brainwash for most of my life, and gradually forgot who I was.

For many years, I thought I was a party-girl. Now, having gotten to know myself better, I realize that in truth I am a bit of a loner. I am very selective these days when it comes to friends. I must be able to be sober and still have a good time with the people that I'm with. Rarer than one would think, that.

Parties like Thanksgiving remind me that life is too short to be spent around people I don't really care about. Why waste time? Why not concentrate on the people who I love, people who support me, people who inspire me, and people who think of me as an equal? I don't want to spend my time biting my tongue, holding back punches, enduring the company of others. The kung fu in this situation is avoidance. Why put myself into situations that I don't enjoy?

I care less and less about what others think about me, and thus am becoming more and more true to myself. There are some in this world who will find me more appealing because of this, and many others, who will have the opposite response. Needless to say, I will be concentrating on spending my time with those who get me. And those who don't? Fuck em.

2010-11-19T16:54:00.001-05:00

There is very little I have power over; very few things I can control. (arghhh!!!)
This is becoming increasingly clear to me. While it is initially a disappointing realization, perhaps I will learn to, from now on, concentrate on those very few things that I in fact can...control/change/affect. Makes more sense, doesn't it?

Though I am not a conventional believer, there is much wisdom in this prayer.
My favorite line in it: "...as it is, not as I would have it."

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

2010-11-12T15:37:00.007-05:00

I have never experienced fall with this poignancy before. I have in the past considered myself a "fall-person", and have always looked forward to it, but this year I was actually sad to see summer go... In the recent weeks, I have, more than once, found myself haunted by ghosts of my past on the streets of New York.. And partly due to season, I have also become painfully aware of the fleeting nature of things. Of life itself.

And yet, this is as important a part of the life cycle as any other. Shit needs to die before it can rejuvenate again. (I prefer not to get too poetic about this...) Change is constant, change is inevitable. I can't believe how many years I tried to fight against a natural change that should have been happening in me all along. We can do that, sure! We can resist change, thinking that doing so will benefit the people close to us. Truth is, it doesn't. Preventing your own change and growth, or somebody else's, is really fucking unhealthy, and will bite you in the ass sooner or later.

I end with a more eloquently written quote I received from my friend today:
"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." -William Somerset Maugham, writer (1874-1965)

2010-11-05T13:55:00.001-04:00

Healing (mentally, physically, spiritually) is a strange and peculiar business... It never seems to be a straight road. It's not a process where you go up and up and up, towards more success every day. Instead it's two steps forward and one step back. (And usually, that one step back feels more like 4 steps back...)

Healing is hard work. And unfortunately no one else can do it for us--it is our own responsibility. One has to really make an effort to be patient with oneself in the process, cause it's so frickin' challenging (and frustrating!). Sometimes the things we are handed seem like just a little too much to handle. But there's beauty in the struggle; a beauty that can be seen very clearly after making it through the worst bit. It is when we are pushed to our limits, that we end up growing the most.
And we get by with a little help from our friends.... :)

2010-10-29T13:55:00.000-04:00

The inevitable side-product of plugging myself in and finally understanding myself, is that I'm also plugging myself into my surroundings. Now, without a thick layer of anxiety shielding me from the world, and from reality, I am able to grasp the truth of what's going on within myself, in social situations, in society, culturally, environmentally....

It is interesting how much knowledge we as people can gather, without actually absorbing it... Knowing how wasteful we are and how it's impacting the environment, and yet not making any changes within our own lives. This is because in addition to ignoring our surroundings, we have grown to ignore what's going on in our bodies as well. If we are not able to listen to and understand ourselves, how are we to see the world for what it truly is?

We are so busy conforming to the rules of society, fitting the mold, keeping with the fashion, saying the right things, doing the right things, making money, meeting the right people, making the right connections, getting ahead, showing off... Imagine how much anxiety all of this creates! How the fuck would we have any time to consider what's actually going on in the world?

I want to share two links I found rummaging around the Radiohead-website (again!):
http://www.storyofstuff.com/
http://www.chrisjordan.com

Quite thought-provoking. I have a strong urge to start doing something. A couple of weeks ago, I was scared to death in my home on the top floor, as hail the size of gum-balls drummed deafeningly on the roof of the building I live in. I had no idea what was going on, and I was already traumatized by the tornado that had swept through Brooklyn a couple of weeks before...Global warming, anyone? Extreme weather..?

I know that I need to fix myself first, before I start attempting to do anything about anything. It's like they say on the airplanes: put your own mask on first. But once my mask is securely on, I'll do what I can.

2010-10-22T12:28:00.004-04:00

I am a recovering agoraphobic. This means that I've been scared/anxious of wide open spaces. Imagine how much you have to work on sedating yourself in order to ignore the fact that we are surrounded by this vast open space: the universe, at all times. Talk about running away!

But, like I said--I am recovering. Here is part of my daily dose of reality: the Astronomy Picture of the Day.

http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/astropix.html

Breathtaking, isn't it?

I have always been fascinated by space, despite my fear. How could one not be? Now, I've recently begun my astronomy studies from the original series of Star Trek (www.startrek.com). Man, that show is genius! Ok, so possibly not the most trustworthy and current source for information on the universe. Especially being that it was made in the sixties.... But I'm taking babysteps, yo!

Seriously though, astronomy will be a lifetime project for me. I have an appetite for knowledge about it now, and I'll learn a little bit every day. The space gives me perspective to give myself time. To not be impatient, and try to be more than I am at any moment. There is a process to everything. Learning should/could really be a peaceful process and there is no strain or exertion needed. Knowledge and skill (and healing too) come with patience and an open and relaxed mind.

Here, I'd like to quote Rainer Maria Rilke. The following speaks of an artist, but it could apply to any human being:

"There is here no measuring with time, no year matters, and ten years are nothing. Being an artist means, not reckoning and counting, but ripening like a tree which does not force its sap and stands confident in the storms of spring without the fear that after them may come no summer. It does come. But it comes to the patient, who are there as though eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly still and wide. I learn it daily, learn it with pain to which I am grateful: patience is everything!"

2010-10-15T18:25:00.001-04:00

I am marveling at the fact that right now, I'm really grabbing hold of music, like I haven't done since childhood. It is because of all this life, pouring back into my veins! I can hardly recognize myself for who I used to think I was. Instead of thriving, I was surviving. It's about time to turn this around.

Now, Neil Young is teaching me guitar, Nirvana is teaching me bass, Patty Griffin is teaching me singing, and Radiohead is teaching me new chords on my piano. This is how I originally learned singing: on my own. It makes sense that in studying every other instrument, I would use the same tactic.

There are no rules to anything in this world, though the powers that be would like to have us think otherwise. Whatever works for you is right. Schools will teach you a generic skill, and be very self-righteous and pompous about their methods... But they will not teach you your own way of doing things. And that, if anything, is valuable.
Like Bruce Lee (my hero) says: “using no way as a way, using no limitations as a limitation.”
My translation: do your own fucking thing. Follow your own fucking vision, put no limits on yourself.
I hope nobody ever quotes me. There'll be so many swear-words....

2010-10-08T12:47:00.004-04:00

When it rains, it snows. Life is so unexpected.
In my life right now, there is rarely a dull day. Challenging events happen on a daily/weekly basis, and I've had to deal with more serious things this year than ever before. And yet, weirdly enough, I'm in a better place emotionally than ever before. I would even go so far as to say that this is the best year of my life. And this is because I'm working hard, every day, to concentrate on the positive. To do what I can, to pick myself up, to understand and be compassionate towards myself, to be kind to myself. I did not have these skills before.

It would be so easy for me right now to despair, to stay in bed and just stare at the wall. Unfortunately, I've been there before, and I know many walls very well. (not just one, Thank God....;)) But I choose not to do it anymore. I'm gonna keep my eye on my goals and keep working towards them. It is a beautiful day, and in truth, we all have this moment only. It is our privilege to enjoy it, for whatever it is. To exist in the first place, is so completely random, and quite a miracle.
I accept these things that I cannot control.

(Alright! Made it through this week's blog without swearing! Goddammit.)

2010-10-01T11:43:00.003-04:00

I continue on my rant from last week.
I write this, just in case it blows the mind of even one of you reading this, like it has blown mine.
Last week I said: depression is anger turned against yourself.
Here's my revelation of this week: Anxiety is unexpressed anger. (!!!!)

Think about it, fellow anxious people/person! You are merely really fucking angry. Anxiety results from the attempt to try and control that anger. And if you don't know why you are angry, find out why! Here I quote Peter Gabriel:
"I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt"
(Genius!)

I am filled with black venom, which is starting to come out in my every punch and kick. It comes out in every dark thought that I write on paper, every aggressive note I sing. I am absolutely furious, and less anxious all the time. I Love being angry! It's liberating me, freeing me to finally be who I am.

2010-09-24T13:10:00.002-04:00

Anger turned towards oneself becomes depression.
Why would you ever need to be angry at yourself? You did your best, didn't you, with the knowledge that you had? We all do. There's no need for hindsight, or what ifs. You learn your lesson and you do better next time.

I will not allow anybody to make me feel guilty anymore!
I will not allow anybody to tell me what I should have done!
I will not allow anybody to make me feel bad!
I will not allow anybody to make me feel stupid or incompetent!
I will not allow anybody to patronize me!

In the words of Rage Against The Machine: Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!
And in my own words: Fuck you I won't think what you tell me!

Hmm. I think I'm finally reaching puberty. ;) And should probably be writing a song right now....

2010-09-17T11:40:00.000-04:00

There's always been some guilt associated with what I do, because I enjoy it so much. I've always felt like I'm slacking off--not actually working, when I'm doing things associated with my craft. I mean, singing, playing guitar, playing piano, reading and searching for new music on the internet doesn't really sound like work, does it? Perhaps until this week, I hadn't really understood that I am in fact working when I'm doing these things. I'd been trying to force myself into doing something more useful...which is actually quite insane. For an artist--what is more useful than getting inspired and being creative?

I think this has been part of the brainwash that I've been given ever since I was young. Work has always been something that's supposed to be really tasking and arduous. Work was supposed to make you fall apart eventually. I guess that's the model I must have seen in my youth....
Also, we often connect with each other by complaining about our asshole-bosses and the long hours of work. But the truth is, there is probably something absolutely inspiring and fulfilling for each of us to do in this world. For some weird reason we don't feel free to seek it out and start doing it. We let our environments, and the people around us decide for us. And even I, who have had the blessing of being an artist for so long, haven't been able to enjoy my work fully, because of this innate guilt. It's madness, isn't it? Some days ago, I became aware of it, and now I am trying to let it go, little by little.

I spent all of Monday night hunting down songs that were on Thom Yorke's "office chart" on the Radiohead website. (Can you tell I'm a fan?) I now have a pile of music that I've never explored before: much of it electronica, some dance and some alternative music with really fucking cool beats. I can't tell you how liberating it feels to realize that yes, this is fun. And it's also work.

2010-09-11T10:41:00.000-04:00

I was feeling so many things at the same time last night that they all canceled each other out. I felt absolutely numb. For that reason, I decided to wait until the morning to write. Vision and numbness/scatterbrained-ness can't really exist at the same time.

Within the last week or so, I've put a lot of energy into figuring out what my dreams are in life, so as to be better at working towards them. I wrote them in a journal: went into real specifics and made some goals and timelines for myself. Some of them even felt a little audacious.
If this sounds like some sort of self-help shit to you, well, you would be right. But I do think that it's really important to know what you want in life and what you dream of. Otherwise, it's very easy for people and circumstances to steer you off your path. Also, how else are you gonna have vision for who you are, and who you wanna be?

I read a beautiful quote from Alice Walker some days ago. It was in Finnish, so pardon my translation--I will most likely butcher it. You will get the gist of it though: "Look closely at the present moment you are building. It should resemble the future you dream of."
That's some perspective, eh?

Since boldly envisioning a very fucking bright future for myself, some magical things have already started to happen. There have been work opportunities coming in this week, the likes of which I haven't experienced in my life so far.
By believing in yourself, you become a part of the logos, the Providence, the flow of the Universe. If you put yourself down, you're going against nature.

2010-09-03T18:45:00.000-04:00

OK, I'm gonna come out of the closet and say it: I do kung fu.
Apparently, you're not supposed to talk about it, because if someone gets mysteriously killed in a bar-fight, then it would be easy to blame you. But first of all, I haven't been doing it long enough to be able to kill anyone. Second of all, if anyone gets killed by me, then they must have seriously had it coming. Thirdly, I spend very little time in bars these days. (what?)

The reason why I'm sharing this with you, is because in my blog I like to talk about things that matter to me. And man, this does. Kung fu has impacted my life in such a positive way! Nevermind the new muscles, I feel like it is teaching me a lot about myself and people in general. I'm learning about good energies and bad energies; of trust; of using power for good, rather than for evil. All of that Star Wars-shit about the force and the dark side of it, is starting to make a lot of sense now. And I truly feel like I can read people's intentions better than before. I'm more aware of situations and can better protect myself, mostly on a purely psychological level. I don't exactly know what is affecting what, but I feel like kung fu goes beautifully hand in hand with all the other soul-searching that I've been doing. It helps keep me grounded.

Being a woman, it is extremely empowering to study some sort of self-defense. I could have used some kung fu-skills in the past, even if just for mind games that were being played at me. I feel like what I'm learning now is not just physical, it's emotional self-defense as well.
What I like about it most, is that it shows me week after week, a slow progress, that I may not be noticing in other areas of my life. The more you practice a certain skill, the easier it gets, even if the change is not always so obvious as you go. The trick is to keep at it....
Through this knowledge, I trust that everything else I'm working on, is slowly getting better, just like my kung fu skillz.

2010-08-28T00:14:00.000-04:00

I just got home from a shoot that lasted the whole day. I am frickin' wiped out! But I have made a commitment to myself to write my blog every Friday and I'm gonna frickin' honor that. A commitment seems to me a sacred thing now.

This week has been challenging for me. I have been unlocking reasons for an inner darkness that I've had all through my life. That darkness, although a source of a lot of beauty in my life, has been a heavy burden to carry.
What we live through seems so normal to us as we live it. So tame, so mundane even. And yet, when you start examining your past--start objectively seeing it for what it is--some things you once thought normal, are in fact shocking.

We are not born dark. We get that way for some reason. And that is actually a beautiful thing: it means that something can be done to remedy the situation! The further I get on my road, the less blame I'm able to cast on anyone. At least, that's how I feel today. ;) I find immense compassion, even towards the Darth Vaders of my life at certain moments. That is, when I'm not feeling righteous anger. And the reason why I feel compassion is this: We are not born dark. We get that way for a reason.

2010-08-20T12:12:00.000-04:00

Being able to say no honestly and courteously is key in this world. If you can't say no, who is to trust you when you say yes? How are you gonna follow your own vision if you let others guide you? How do you not end up being abused and used by others until you learn how to say no? It is one of the most basic skills people should have, and yet they will not teach this to us in school. (?!?) Parents often don't teach it to their children, for fear it would make them harder to govern. (!) It's the simplest thing, and yet many of us go through our whole lives without learning it.

The culture as a whole prefers to have us be sheep, easily herded like cattle. The world around us will have us think that we are supposed to be nice, and to make nice with everyone. Not so. We are supposed to make nice with ourselves. And in that process, we end up making nice with others. Or not. Who cares? We are allowed to choose who we wanna be, and who we want to spend time with. Life is limited, spend it wisely.

I had many opportunities this week to say no. Some of them, I mastered. But in one particular case I fucked up and now have to salvage the situation. What I learned, is that it's better to draw the lines straight away, in order to not create confusion. Clear boundaries are a beautiful thing! And mistakes are opportunities for learning...

2010-08-13T21:02:00.000-04:00

I finished reading another life-changing book yesterday: Ursula K. Le Guin's "A Wizard of Earthsea." Phew. Man. Even through the tales of wizardry, dragons and magic spells, I was able to relate to every line, every chapter, as if they told the story of my life. I am in awe of the gift this woman has for metaphor, for story-telling. And before you read my blog any further, I suggest you read the book. It's the easiest read ever.
Spoiler alert!

We carry within us all the experiences, thoughts and emotions we've ever had, especially those that were left unresolved. Things don't just take care of themselves and fade away at some point. Until we resolve those issues, we continue dragging around older versions of ourselves. Janita 1.0, Janita 2.0, Janita 3.0.... Trust me, some of it wasn't pretty, and I was hoping to leave them behind. Turns out I can't. They're all in me.

In order for me to become a true individual (definition: autonomous, distinct, indivisible entity), I will have to accept, understand and own all of these versions of me. That, I suppose, is to become a complete human being. To get there requires that I open some more cans of worms, but now I'm getting quite eager to do it. And here I get back to the brilliant mind of Ms. Le Guin: how surprising the places where we find pieces to unlock our puzzles!

2010-08-06T23:29:00.000-04:00

I bought a new guitar today!!! This is the first guitar I've ever bought for myself and I'm having a love affair with it already! (my fingertips ain't....)

But consequently, I got to thinking this: inanimate objects hold a lot of energy. (Or alternately, we react to them energetically.) Until today I haven't been cognizant of the fact that I have in fact been avoiding playing my other two guitars because they carry many painful memories with them.(!!!) The enthusiasm that I have for this untainted instrument is proof of it--I don't believe it's just the newness. Playing this guitar, I have a feeling of freedom and starting from a clean slate.... What excitement!

Back in 1998 I met up with a famous video director, as we were planning to work together at the time. Towards the end of the meeting at her place, she offered me an absolutely beautiful lamp with colorful mosaic-type glass decoration. She told me that she wanted to get rid of it, as she had recently been divorced and felt it carried bad energies. I considered her silly for letting go of such a special piece, but thanked her and took it nevertheless.

Today, for the first time, I truly understand her. I have unconsciously been disliking various pieces of my furniture.... Whoa!
And yet, instead of tossing them, my preference is to now make peace with these inanimate objects that I abhor. Perhaps my newfound awareness will help me exorcise these bad energies I speak of. I will create a new relationship with these things, much as I have done with the city I live in. It's about consciously claiming them. And fyi, whatever I can't learn to love again will be found on the street next Tuesday. (...not the guitars though! ;))

2010-07-30T17:01:00.000-04:00

I spent Wednesday night sleeping/staying awake outside on 86th street, lining up for tickets for Shakespeare in The Park. This was one of the craziest New York-experiences of my life, if not the craziest. It was a glimpse into what it means to be homeless, and yet it had nothing to do with it at all, at the same time.

How daunting it seemed at first, to spend a night next to people I had no previous connection to; many of them actually homeless. I felt a distinct sense of agoraphobia upon arrival. But that soon passed, as I realized how (relatively) peaceful the people of New York are. This is a city that's gone through it all, and the people have survived some serious madness. There is a real tolerance for diversity, an understanding of other people's space (as long as you respect theirs), a general respect towards others, that I'm always shocked to encounter in a city like this. One can even feel safe sleeping in the street!

After waiting for 13 hours, I ended up seeing a marvelous performance of Merchant of Venice last night, starring Al Pacino as Shylock. The play was absolutely worth the wait; not just for the amazing Mr. Pacino, but for everyone else in the cast as well. Making a commitment like the one I made, tests you, but usually pays off royally in the end. The good stuff is truly worth waiting for! (Apply that to whatever is appropriate in your life right now...)

And oh right, and my album came out this week too! ;)

2010-07-23T10:47:00.000-04:00

Next Tuesday is the day of my first worldwide release. And it's made me reflect on some things...

I have been in the music business since I was 13 years old, when I recorded my first album... In all actuality even longer than that. It is a little known fact, that when I was 11 or 12 I did some marketing for an American line of dolls in Finland, of which one was called "Singing Janita", after me. (weird!!) Thank God the dolls were so hideously ugly that not much ever came out of it. ;) I also sang some recordings for Disney around the same time.

In any case, I've recently started realizing what a weird existence mine has been. I honestly don't think that it is good for kids to have to be in the spotlight so early on in life. We have some very good examples here in the States about what often happens to child stars.... Kids are supposed to have their childhood, and teenagers their teen-age-hood. I know this from experience, because I didn't.

It is more of a rarity, when people come out of those situations (being stars very young) unscathed. I tell you, it fucks with your brain. Those years are so important for the formation of your personality, your ideas, your world-view, your relationship to everyone and everything around you. If you're already in the limelight then, the pressure is huge, to keep up appearances. You end up absorbing too much and discriminating too little. (How would you discriminate? With what experience?) Your personality is thus formed by the powers that be, and you become a puppet of sorts. This is what your child-star idols are: puppets.

And so, I can understand very well, the problems that arise from that scenario. I'm still dealing with them myself. It has taken me about 16 years to separate what--amongst all of the racket inside of me--is actually me, and what has been imposed on me.

Which brings me back to the album I'm about to release. This album is about me finding myself, finally. I have always put as much of myself as I possibly could have, into my recordings. But the reason for the existence of this album, is solely me. I can't truthfully say that for any of the other albums I've made. Which is why I am so proud of this one. I am finally independent and strong within myself, even if still a bit Haunted by my past.

2010-07-16T23:37:00.000-04:00

This week, I wanted simply to share this poem with you:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle
that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us.

One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, sorrow, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, superiority and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,
humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and
faith."

The grandson thought about it for a moment and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied,
"The one you feed."

I have nothing to add.

2010-07-09T20:46:00.001-04:00

Truth is liberating. Even if truth is your worst fears come true.
I find it frustrating these days, when people try to soften or fudge the truth to make it more palatable. Well-meaning or not, it just ends up making you feel like you're missing something, or better yet, that you are crazy. Rather just give it to me straight and I'll deal with it!

To quote Rage Against The Machine: "Yes, I dwell in hell, but it's a hell that I can grip.." To me that's way better than "escaping the pain in an existence mundane." Who wants to live a mundane existence? I don't know about you, but my aim is to really live (and love), consciously. Plugged in, from now on. The more I understand, the more I face the truth, the stronger I become. There is nothing to run away from--everything catches up with you at some point, so you might as well just get it over with. And I say all of this in the most loving way. Reality is not the enemy.

2010-07-03T02:27:00.000-04:00

It is my goal to write my blog every Friday. Ok, so it's technically not Friday anymore... But honestly, you would thank me for not having written this earlier in the day: I could hardly see anything good about my life this morning.

I'm noticing this about myself: I would much rather spread some positive energies in the world, than whine about things. So I made the decision to try to make it through the day and see what I wanted to say in the evening. And truth be told, I ended up having a good day after all! I met some fun new people, and got to know some old acquaintances a little better. I sat at a restaurant's outdoor patio for 7 hours straight chatting and hanging out. My ass is sore!!!

But coming back to trying to spread positive energies--it applies for my whole existence in this world. It is not my wish to dump my shit on others. The music that I write these days can get dark, but it's not written out of a place of hopelessness. To write is already a step toward the light!

Songwriting for me is catharsis. Therefore I hope and believe it can serve a similar purpose for my listeners. Even if a song is heavy in content or sad melodically, it can still be a very positive, empowering experience...provided you are listening to it at the right moment. We as listeners should be sensitive enough to recognize what feels good to our soul at any given time. It is our responsibility to ourselves.

2010-06-25T10:53:00.000-04:00

I am rediscovering New York and falling in love with it over again. Now, come to think of it, I'm not sure whether I ever in fact was in love with it before. I moved here when I was 17, coerced. My first reaction to NY was that I didn't like it. It scared the hell out of me. But I was running away from my demons in Finland and decided to take the leap anyway... Not surprisingly, within a year, my demons followed me here.

Throughout the years, my fondness for New York grew. It has been a fun-loving friend with all of it's bars, restaurants, clubs and shopping. But that was pretty much all I was concentrating on for a long time. And that experience became exhausting to me within the last couple of years. Like humans, this city has layers. And those layers I had yet to discover.

I had to reinvent my relationship with the city. I had to claim it for myself; to understand why the heck I'm still here after all these years. And there is a reason--beyond the nightlife!
It is Prospect Park. It is Central Park. It is the Rose Center, MoMA, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, hotdogs, Brooklyn Bandshell, outdoor movies in Bryant Park, the subway, the cafes, the people! I'm experiencing it all now, and making sure that I keep doing that, to keep this love going. This is my personal experience, and it has very little to do with my love for any man that lives in this city. I love the city itself. And I'm loving myself for living in it so well.

2010-06-18T23:54:00.000-04:00

This has been a week of empowerment for me, starting with killing a humongous flying (!!!) cockroach on Sunday night. It flew on my bed!!! You don't understand--these things have always given me the HEEBIE-JEEBIES. I say it in caps, because I really mean it. I have never killed one of these big guys myself before. But I'm proud of myself and happy to report that such creatures, will not have long life expectancy, if they ever set wandering tentacle in my house. In conquering my fears, this one was huge!

Other demons--similar monsters, I have fought and won inside of me this week. As a result, I am experiencing a calm I haven't felt for years. Everything is connected, I'm discovering... Us human beings, complex as we are, are really pretty simple after all. A lot of our irrational, debilitating fears arise from the same origin. Find the origin, and empower yourself.
And in case you're wondering....no. The origin is not the cockroach. :)

2010-06-11T17:53:00.000-04:00

My album came from the print on Wednesday and it looks beautiful!!! Phew! Printing a record is risky business, as something usually goes wrong. My first album Oma Planeetta had some weird color defect and it showed all the powder on my face in the most intricate detail...The photo was supposed to look translucent, apparently. Not so.
My second album cover Savyja was just an incredibly horrible design. I shudder when I see it... (This time nothing to do with printing..) And I have plenty of other bad experiences as well.

Anyway, my point is...It is nice to be proud of a package in its entirety. God is in the fucking detail. Really, if you're gonna do something--do the whole thing well! Know that you are doing your best, and really express yourself! I am tired of dealing with people who don't have real passion for what they do. What a turn-on it is when they do!

And yes, as I'm preaching to you, I'm preaching to myself a little bit too. There are plenty of times, when for one reason or another I end up half-assing things. But I'm gonna try my darnedest to be aware of myself, and change that. Because, what's the use of doing things, if you're not putting yourself into it completely..? And while you're at it, don't even do things that your heart's not in! .....@#$%#, man. Still learning this one....

2010-06-04T20:47:00.000-04:00

The 12-year-old inside of me has really been enjoying the activities that I've been engaging in this week: swinging on swings, eating way too much ice cream, laying face-down in the grass, hanging out with pug. I feel like through all of this, I have been regaining my sanity, which was lost long ago. Ha. You think I kid, but I'm being honest.

To top off all this healthiness, I spent today at the Rose Center for Earth and Space/Hayden Planetarium. My science geek-ish friend and I were remarking, teary-eyed, after seeing the Journey To The Stars-show: who needs all the burning bushes and the arks, the fire-breathing dragons and mermaids, when there's so much wonder in the universe around us!?
Even the 12-year-old inside of me agrees on this one.

Our reality. A reality we can grip and grasp, and still wonder about endlessly. Magical, awe-inspiring galaxies and nebulas and planets and stars, and God knows what else... Our existence within this world, so random and meaningless, and yet so full of meaning. Man. If all that doesn't give you perspective, I don't know what will.

2010-05-28T16:09:00.000-04:00

I just came from a walk (attempted run) in Prospect Park. This was an outing designed to lift me up from a slump I've been in all week...alas, to no avail. Despite seeing turtle (!) and chipmunk.
Ok, now I'm smiling a little.

I decided it is not my duty to write a positive, uplifting blog, unless I'm really feeling it. Right now, I'm not. I am out of sorts and so be it.

Within my slump I am writing. A beautiful melody keeps playing in my head, about to turn into a song stained with, so far, at least one dirty word. Does an artist get a "parental advisory explicit lyrics"-sign for saying the word 'prick'? I hope so. It would be quite exciting.

Come to my gig next week, yo. I think I'll play a new song. That one's just a little dirty too. :)

2010-05-21T15:35:00.000-04:00

People,

Today I experienced true empathy for the first time! Crazy, right?
It makes me sound like a hard-ass bitch or a narcissist, doesn't it? That would not be the right assessment though. I am 31 years old and I've lived up until now thinking that empathy is putting oneself in the other person's shoes. I have to say--I think I've been wrong...

I have cried listening to people's stories, cried watching heart-breaking movies and TV-shows, but I've always been putting myself in everyone else's place and feeling for them through myself. Today, for the first time, I was able to see the person I was listening to, envision their life, their view of the world, their thoughts and experiences (as much as I can and know) and just be moved by their experience. Not my own. Trust me, it's a different thing. (Or perhaps you already know...)

I walked into the street right after, remembering all the stories that my friends and family have told me and just wanting to cry for all of them. For them! Not myself, in their shoes. How different all those stories looked and sounded to me, all of a sudden.
I can't believe that I haven't understood this before!

I like that I'm becoming a real softy....and yet at the same time, that I'm tougher than I've ever been. (I'm learning to throw punches and rip people's eyes out, in class!) I like that it all gets balanced as you keep going with the flow....
That you become...whole?

2010-05-14T18:25:00.000-04:00

I am such a recluse these days! But it's a good thing. Alone time is the most healing thing in the world; provided you've rummaged through your closets, know what's there, and have made/are making peace with it. I feel like I'm finally doing it. Lately, I've been willing to look each demon, that I've encountered, straight in the eye. I have researched them on the internet (ha!) and am in the process of taking their power away. It's a whack-a-mole-fest! And I'm feeling righteous anger too, which is a most liberating thing, motherfuckerrrrsssss!!
Although I sing about running away from emotions, I have to say I strongly advocate not doing that. Believe you me, I speak from experience.

Life used to be so very confusing to me. A veil is lifting, day by day by day. A new world is being revealed. I am like Neo in The Matrix. Muscle atrophy and all, unfortunately... :)

2010-05-07T13:04:00.000-04:00

I had my very first listening party this week, which is crazy, being that I've already released 7 albums in my life (!). This was a lovely, very intimate get together with friends; we listened through, commented, and discussed the music. A very healing experience for me.
Somehow, I've felt very alone with this album up till now. It's been a project, through which I've fought for my personal artistic liberation. A lot about this album has felt heavy to me, including the name Haunted. Now I see it differently. I see that it's very honest to where I have been in my life, and that I should be proud of it. And I am, finally.

I now see too, that everything else that I've done in music so far, has been honest to where I've been in my life. Even in the times where I've been guided by someone else's musical vision. In those times, I just haven't been confident enough or strong-willed enough to push my own. I can accept that now. The reasons why are losing their importance to me. It is good to be aware of the past, but not to carry it as a burden.

It's interesting how people go through life not recognizing their emotions. Someone can tell you: "You obviously have a lot of anger in you.." And you yourself will have no clue. Well, I'm starting to recognize what I'm feeling. Positive emotions aside, negative feelings don't apparently all go under the umbrella of depression/anxiety. Whoa! What a revelation! You can sort through the shit and understand yourself. There are colors and shades of emotion and they are all fascinating. All of it is part of the human existence and should be enjoyed for what it is. I am learning.

2010-04-30T14:09:00.000-04:00

Man! Life is good! Just like it is.
I don't think I've ever felt as liberated in this world, as I do right now. I am becoming more and more aware of the many different types of brainwashing that I have undergone in my life and am working to undo the damage. My whole perspective on everything is changing due to a book (Awareness by Anthony DeMello) I read last week, and have reread since. I will rant and rave about it to anyone who will listen.

Due to my new revelations, I have started writing new songs. I was having a creative drought for a long time and started doubting whether I was actually any good at songwriting. Honestly, does it matter? I love doing it. Who's the judge of whether it's good or not? The minute I didn't care anymore (about other people's thoughts and my own brainwash), is when it just started happening naturally. And fyi, these are not pretty songs. Life is not "pretty", even though in the earlier paragraph I said it was good. In my opinion, I would be manipulating both myself and you if I just made pretty songs. If I write about life and myself honestly, it is bound to be both fucked up and beautiful at the same time.

2010-04-23T12:59:00.001-04:00

This week has been eye-opener, quite literally. So much self-exploration; some people might even call it unhealthy. I say, who cares. I like to dive into things.

I got sick with a cold and had to find a way to deal with my stir-craziness, so I picked up a book by Anthony DeMello, called Awareness. Mind you, I'd been trying to read this book some years ago, but then thought it a bunch of psycho-babble and mumbo-jumbo.
Now, I found it utterly compelling! It is funny how one changes. The same book/music/art piece can have so much more meaning for you, depending what's going on in your life or your level of awareness.

I've gradually found that true awareness is the only way I'll ever find balance and peace.
Though I know that balance in life is a constant struggle, it doesn't hurt to have all the tools you can gather, to work with.

Life is fragile and anything could--and will happen--at any moment, (as I witnessed yesterday, helping out a lady, whose foot had been run over by a cab....ouch.)
This is how it is--the bittersweet beauty of it. Enjoy every beautiful moment of it!

2010-04-16T13:27:00.000-04:00

Hey there,

I hope you are enjoying my new website!
I am thrilled
a) about spring!
b) about signing a record deal with NY label Engine Company Records this Monday, April 12th.
This means I will finally be releasing my new album Haunted worldwide on July 27th, 2010!

What a journey making this album has been! I have lived through the hardest years of my life while completing this record... which I'm sure can be heard in the darker tone of the music overall, compared to my earlier work. I have moved into more alternative territory and feel at home there musically. Now I can express an aggressive side that I've always had within.
I hope that my old listeners will grow with me as I grow into my own. In addition to that, I hope to find many more listeners around the world!

In a lot of ways I now feel stronger than ever and my music has no choice but to express it.
I suppose it is not just a cliche that most growth happens during adversity...
You'll be hearing a lot of my personal struggles on Haunted, and within the songs I write in the future. I am the type to cope with life's injustices, tough realisations, hate and disappointments by putting them into my music. Quite literally even.... Yet I can't help it that hope always glimmers on the bottom of it all. It is the way I'm wired, thank God. Maybe one day it will rise to the top?

Life continues to feel just a wee bit scary to me... but I have decided that that will not stop me from boldly going after my dreams. I hope you will join me on this journey. Feel free to write to me your comments and thoughts. I answer as much as I can. I will also be updating this site weekly, so keep checking in here and there...

I wish you love and success in this year! Let's keep growing and evolving. We are changing whether we like it or not, so we might as well make the best of it!

Love,

Janita